December 1 Musings

I've been thinking about love, forgiveness, Christ, K... Even though I've been genuinely trying to move forward for the past many months ever since the breakup, if I'm honest with myself, deep down I still have affectionate feelings for him (which I try hard to conceal).  But I've been thinking about what my mom and another older sister said about truly loving someone and wanting the best for that person.  Even if that might mean I am completely removed from the equation, which is so hard to to do and not what my heart and flesh desire.  I know my heart would break and be crushed even further than it already is if I learned that he is pursuing someone else.  BUT... though heartbreaking and painful, I want to be okay and bless that.  I want to love him the way God wants me to - to truly LOVE him more than I love myself.  That includes desiring the best for him (even if that isn't me), to be happy if he is happy and well, to rejoice for/with him if he finds someone else better for him, even if I'm hurting and dying inside.  I want to strive to love him like this.  This is the love of God.

I want to have faith that this kind of self-effacing, God-honoring, God-trusting, sacrificial love will yield lasting fruit of peace and joy, as I continue to seek to live according to God's will.  His good, pleasing, and perfect will for me.

The Lord continues to work in my heart.  I am daily learning to be still, keep a quiet heart before God, trust Him wholeheartedly (especially during trials and difficulties), and wait upon Him patiently.  I have decided that I will guard (by that, I mean LOCK UP big-time) my heart until God makes it clear that it's okay to "give" it to someone.  I will continue to fight to move forward.  I will continue to pray that God will enable me to not be bogged down or discouraged by the past - painful and scarring as things have been.  Jesus makes all things new.  In Him I have hope.  In Him I place my trust.

2017 has been a very rough and trying year circumstantially.  Filled with colorful and painful, painful trials.  Burnout at work, stressful relationships, breakup, loss, conflicts, death, health issues, injuries, traffic citations, difficult transitions, physical/mental/emotional pain, etc.  Lots of crying and tears.  Sorrows upon sorrows.  Alas, this year is coming to an end soon.  Though I'm not sure I look forward to the new year or future as much as I look forward to Heaven... God, help me to continue to fight the good fight of faith. ><>

Another One Year

One year ago today, I said "yes" to dating you while we were sitting on Janns Steps @ UCLA that fateful Friday night right before combined UCLA/USC GOC.  Little did we know that just about 3 months later, our relationship would end.  These days, and tonight especially, the pain of breakup is especially heavy.  My heart is filled with grief and pain, my tears have been my food, I am very sad and feeling so fragile.

I wish I could "wake up" from this bad dream and all the pain and inward hurt would disappear.  If only it were that easy.  It's times like these that I don't mind dying so that I could be in Heaven free from this suffering and pain. 

Through it all, I know the Lord is with me, even if I don't feel it.  I need to keep turning to God and lean hard on Jesus because I have no strength left inside of me, no more "fight" in me.  But I won't give up.  When I am very weak, and my own heart fails me, I turn to the One who is strong in my weakness, the One who is greater than my heart.

This too will pass, someday.

God Caused the Breakup

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-getting-dumped-says-about-you

Helpful article I read today.

"But the reality of God’s sovereignty always trumps the terrifying myth of “The one that got away.” With God, there’s never one who gets away. Unrequited love is God’s protection, his plan, his care."

Even though it may seem to me that he broke up with me, today I am reminded of the fact that God made us break up.  It's been a painful emotional hurricane, but my broken heart can find rest and gradual healing in the sovereignty of my Loving God.

LORD, I Give You My Heart

This is my desire To honor You Lord, with all my heart I worship You All I have within me I give You praise All that I adore Is in You Lord, I give You my heart I give You my soul I live for You alone Every breath that I take Every moment I'm awake Lord, have Your way in me

BE STILL, MY SOUL

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

7 months

Waiting.  For healing.  For him.  For You.

Lord, I'm ultimately waiting on You...

Flashback to March 7.  I wrote this one day after the breakup earlier this year:

"Even through intense trials, remember that God is still faithful, steadfast in unwavering love, kind beyond all measure, committed to us with covenental love until the very end of the age.  He is wise, sovereign, and in control of every single event in our lives.  When we are weak and heavy-laden, he carries us tenderly like a Shepherd to his sheep.  When our hearts are aching, he soothes it with the healing balm of his own Word and precious promises.  When things don't make sense to us, we must cling onto what we still know to be clear and true - that God sent His son Jesus to die for our sins so we can be made right with God, and that He loves us forever.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  God sees you exactly where you are, He will meet you there.  He only does what is the absolute best for our lives.  As ones who believe in God, may we be comforted by His great love this very moment."

Oh my soul, dwell on these truths about your God.  Remember!

Chewing on this

"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."

Hills and Valleys

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowestplace
And I have held the blessings
God, you give and take away

No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain, I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley, I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!

Note to Self

"Sometimes it just seems like you're missing out on all these different people, but in reality, you're just being saved for the right person... who's even better."

:)

Blame, Accusation, and Misunderstanding Are Hurtful

What hurts more than being rejected by the person you (used to) like?  Being rejected AND being misunderstood and accused of something that was not your intention.  That happened tonight.  Not the first time.  It hurt me that he sounded so bitter and vindictive over the phone.  I could tell when his words come out that way, I could hear the anger and upset in his voice.  It also made me uncomfortable how he's been acting a bit differently around me the past couple times I've seen him.  Though I was hurt, the blow tonight was not as severely felt as times past (thankfully).  My heart was wounded, but I didn't feel like it was bleeding this time.  Maybe because God has grown me to be tougher and more resilient and less sensitive (which I normally am).  Maybe because this isn't the first time I've felt hurt from his words and actions, maybe it's because I've already been disappointed so many times (not just in him but in sinful broken sinners in general), maybe because I've accepted that we all have sin and fall short of God's glory and are not perfect people.  We always think better of ourselves than we really actually are.  No one is good and sinless, no not one except Christ.

I was sad that he felt that I was blaming and accusing him during our talk from Saturday.  It felt like he was accusing me of that.  And I didn't even know he was upset and harboring ill-feelings towards me until we talked on the phone tonight after he so blatantly rushed away after dropping off the CBS flyers.  (I was really hoping he could help me carry some groceries I had bought upstairs, like the four 2-liter bottles of soda pop and the huge watermelon that Omelia assigned me to bring on Friday.  I don't normally like asking for help unless I really needed it, and so when I did but was "turned down" tonight, the rejection felt pretty horrible.  I also had to make 3 trips to my car and it was dark outside.)  I tried to explain myself, but he didn't seem convinced initially.  I honestly wasn't trying to blame him or point fingers.  In fact, all the time I blame myself or attribute fault to me rather than him because deep down, I'm always still defending him and thinking/believing the best about him.  At least I try to.  Because that's what love does: it believes the best about people.  But he kept questioning me with, "Really?  But you had said..." and insinuated that I was being confrontational and was expecting an apology from him.  He kept adamantly holding onto his claim of me blaming and accusing him.  When I brought up things like "You did apologize for your actions and thoughtlessness" (because he did!  And I thought he was genuine), he said things like "Well, that was what you wanted to hear..." and even put words in my mouth.  Things that, in fact, did not directly come out of my mouth.  But somehow that's what he had perceived and read into.  Was he right?  No.  But can I blame him for misreading/misunderstanding me?  The flesh in me wants to say "yes", but the (humble?) part of me wants to say "no".  At least not entirely.  I believe that if I am a true Christian, then I should always strive to show grace and forgiveness and overlook so in this case, I should do that for him... right?

At the beginning of June I honestly did really feel like I was moving on from the breakup (by God's grace), but towards the end of June my heart relapsed.  I take responsibility for not guarding it as tightly as I maybe should have, but is it wrong to also attribute responsibility to him for the ways he was interacting with me?  Is that unfair?  Is that called "blaming"?  He was indeed really nice and kind, he seemed more relaxed and happy and energetic, even more so than when we were dating.  He seemed interested in my life and what was going on in my life... There were certain times when I would wonder about his intentions because I genuinely did feel things and I was unsure about whether or not those feelings were mutual.  I know I shouldn't have read into anything he did but I eventually did (?).  I must have.  Even though I warned myself over and over again not to.  Can you blame me though?  What's a girl to do if the guy she still liked, whom she didn't even want to break up with in the first place, was really nice and kind to her, and she saw him pretty frequently over a time period?  Isn't it natural to think that maybe there was hope that he might be interested in pursuing something more than friends with her again?

Well I've learned the hard way, after getting burned again, that the answer still is NO.  The door is still closed.  That it is never a good idea to read into things.  That one should never assume anything unless someone says it.

Lord, please please help me to move forward and to not look back.  I'm trying to get with Your program and not dig my heels in the ground in rebellion.  I don't want to be knocking or forcefully turning the doorknob of a door that You have already closed.  Help me to accept.  I truly do want to honor You and love You and obey You.  I really do want to move on from this breakup and want my heart to be healed completely by You.  You see my heart and You know what's going on inside of it.  You see the pain, hurt, confusion, fear, sorrow.  You know my deepest desires and You know what is best for me.  I want to keep trusting in You and Your promises.

Lord, take away my longing or give me that for which I long.  The LORD answered, "I must teach you to long for something better." - Elisabeth Elliot

Return of My Tears

After work today I went up to the 8th floor of the parking lot - otherwise known as the roof - and sat there alone, crying.  I have been feeling sad about something recently.  Someone, actually.  My sadness made me cry out to God, earnestly pleading for Him to help me.  I asked God to help me channel all the desires and affections that I feel for him towards Him.  I asked God to help me trust in Him and to believe that He really has the best in store for me.  Even though my heart was grieving and filled with sorrow, God still gave me a lovely view to feast my tears-filled, water-y eyes upon.  The sky was mesmerizingly beautiful as the sun was setting behind the clouds - spreading it's bright orange hues across the sky, making it look softly golden.  The sky and it's beautiful colors were the first thing that I noticed as I stepped out of the hospital elevators onto the outdoors plaza level.  Even though I felt physically exhausted from a yet another busy work shift, I thought to myself: I have to go to the rooftop in order to get a better view of this breathtaking sight.  

And I'm thankful I did.  Praise You, God.  All glory, worship, and praise be to You forever.

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!

I Shall Not Want

I Shall Not Want   by Audrey Assad
From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
And from a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

From the fear of serving others
Oh, and from the fear of death or trial
And from the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Yes, deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

Eyes, Heart, Hope Fixed on You Alone

Dear God,

I am giving it all to You - my heart, desires, feelings, hopes, disappointments, sadness, pain, how I feel about K... I commit and recommit it all to You.  Only with You is my heart fully safe, protected, and perfectly loved.  I will continue to love You alone with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  I will continue to trust You and serve You in this season of (indefinite) waiting.

I love You,
Frances

Determined to be Joyful

By God's grace, I've been very happy the past couple of weeks.  I know a big reason is because I was presented with many opportunities to serve God, my church, the children in VBS, brothers and sisters in Christ.. all of this naturally brings me much joy and happiness.  But I'm also wondering if my joy was partially being derived from another reason (another person, specifically), because in the past several weeks I happened to have seen and interacted with this person a LOT.  Ministering alongside this person has always been fun, joyful, meaningful, rewarding, and I realize that being around this person makes me very happy and brings me much laughter (which hasn't always been the case, as earlier in the year this person also brought me much pain, sorrow, and seas of tears)... But I know that I've been very happy around this person lately, and that's what I've been dwelling on mostly.  The present and not the past.  However, the past few days I'm also realizing the real danger this situation poses to my heart, which (until very recently) was on the road to recovery and healing from the breakup, or so I thought.  Have I done a poor job guarding my heart?  Have the triple-iron bolted fortresses of steel surrounding my heart already toppled down?

I haven't cried in a while, but on the phone with my dad at first I shed some tears while telling him about this person and how my heart feels.  It may be stupid, but I asked my dad through choked-back tears, "What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Because I'm so big and fat? Because I'm not "quality girl"?"  He let out a loving chuckle and exclaimed in Chinese "Silly girl! Of course not, my daughter!" in Chinese.  But still, I couldn't help but feel a familiar sadness of longing and rejection fall on me like a thick blanket of smoke - heavy, yet hard to get rid of.  Oh how I really do not want to be back in this predicament!!!  I really want to have joy that's not contingent on my circumstances.  And I don't want to lose my joy because I don't get something I want.  Rather, I want to always carry a responsibly jubilant expression to God at any and every point in time.  That is the type of heart posture I want - that I can rejoice because my focus is on the Gospel, on Christ, on the things above - not on earthly things, not on circumstances.  My jubilation has got to be directed towards God and His Word.

Oh LORD, teach me to rejoice even now!  I long to worship You.

A Letter

Dear FH,

Not sure when you're going to show up in my life - if you've already appeared, or if we have yet to meet.  But whoever you are, I hope and pray that you will help me be more like Christ my Savior, and that I'll be able to do the same for you, and that together we will love Him better and more than when we were separated.  I hope we can be more effective servants of Christ together, be catalysts for each other's sanctification, be tremendous blessings to the (universal and local) church and family of God, faithfully minister and share the Gospel of peace to the lost as lifetime ministry partners (yay!), raise up (spiritual and biological) life-long disciples for Jesus, bring one another countless joy and laughter and deep companionship and genuine fond affection not based on the superficial and fickle things of the world.  I hope we can be an emblem of biblical love, the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, constantly loving one another and being compassionate and forgiving, just as in Christ God forgave us.  Let us spend and be spent for the Gospel!

I have been praying for you for many years, and will continue to do so!  I'm excited for the day that God has ordained for us to meet and wed.  But I am reminded that even if it never will be, my life is still good... because I've already got Christ, and He is sufficient.

Love,
Your FW

Happy but Nervous

That's how I currently feel when I'm around him.
Still praying about it and trying to be still, trying to wait patiently, all while trusting in God.

On My Mind

I've been thinking about you every day this week, which inevitably leads me to pray to God about you every day too.  What does this all mean??!!

Oh heart, my heart, I cannot follow you. For you are highly deceitful and sinful, full of strong feelings and fickle emotions that cannot be trusted.  I can but trust only One, and to Him I am turning and asking for clarity, patience, restraint, guidance, faith, discernment.

I am waiting on You, oh Lord my God.  Please grant me wisdom.

Potential Relapse...?????

Got off the phone not too long ago with him, we talked for close to an hour and half over a serious matter concerning a third party.  It was a very helpful conversation, seasoned with much wisdom, thoughtfulness, godliness, patience, tact, grace.  I really really appreciated it, as the conversation was incredibly helpful, and the person with whom I was speaking greatly ministered to my sinful soul.  So non-judgmental, patient, gracious, caring, gentle with his words, as if almost saying exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time, it seemed (almost too perfect, this feels uncanny).  Praise the Lord!

We prayed together in closing (he did) as I knelt on the floor.  I echoed every word of his heartfelt, beautiful, honest prayer.  I'm so very thankful for that - to be able to confess, share honestly without fear of judgment or thinking the other would think less of me, mutually encourage, grow in godliness, love, humility, forbearance, seeking the Lord together... *sighhhhh*

Oh, but my heart...! I'm afraid of resurrection of certain feelings and fond affection that I thought had miraculously (supernaturally) disappeared.  Especially if it's one-sided.  Sigh, I don't know what I'm actually feeling... and perhaps it's just strong feelings and emotions, which are fickle and not to be trusted nor acted upon because they are so unreliable.  Lord, You would have to give me a sure sign of confirmation.  Until then, I need to set my face as flint to guard my heart.

I don't know if I should end this post with a :/ or a :)  All I know is that I must continue fixing my eyes on Jesus and His cross.  I'm a big sinner who needs much MUCH saving, constantly.

Almost 3 Months

Today (6/4/2017) is almost 3 months since the second breakup (3/6/2017).  A godly and wise older woman once told me that "the godlier a woman is, the faster she'll get over a breakup".  And I think she gave me a 3 month timeline too, coincidentally.  Well, I really wasn't holding myself to any sort of timeline, as I know 3 months ago I was truly brokenhearted and crying a lot due to the pain and hurt from what had happened.  I really had no idea how long I would be in that state, how long it would take me to completely "move on" (however that would look like, I did not know), but I definitely hoped and prayed hard that it wouldn't take 3 years, which was approximately how long it took for me to "get over" my first relationship that had ended.  Purely by God's grace, I can honestly say today that I feel that I am currently at a good place.  I really have been trying my best to move forward in obedience every day, because to have been stuck where I was post-breakup and still hold onto all the feelings I felt about him then would be disobedient to the Lord.  When God closes one door and says "not a step further", I don't want to keep pounding or trying to open a locked doorknob.  I want to get with God's program in case He opens another door.  And not that I'm eagerly looking for another door right now... though I know I can still praise Him in the hallway even if all doors remain closed!  Worship of God should not just happen when He opens doors; He is worthy and deserving always of my worship and praise!  So I really believe that I am moving on.  To say that my life is problem-and-pain-free at the moment would not be true at all, but am I thankful, content, and trusting God more than I did 3 months ago?  A resounding yes!

Tonight we celebrated K's birthday by eating at a Pho restaurant of his choice in Koreatown.  Of course, I had remembered it was his birthday all week (that's a special gift that the Lord gave me: I typically remember birthdays of people who have some type of significance in my life).  I took time to write him a heartfelt card, in which I also included one of my favorite hymns ("Thanks to God for my Redeemer"), which I thought was very fitting and appropriate in light of everything that occurred over the past year, that we can still give thanks to our Redeemer for it all because it was ALL for our good and His glory!  Also gave him a brownie, which he left in his car (forgetfully, or purposefully, I don't know) which ended up getting baked even more from the hot Valley sun.  Originally I wasn't sure if we were going to do anything for him because nothing was announced nor posted on Gracevine.  Even though right now I mostly view him as just a brother and ministry partner (again, praise God for allowing me to move forward in faith and acceptance of His perfect will in my life! His ways are good and always for my best, and I believe it!), I still want him to have a memorable birthday because he's my friend, but I didn't feel it was my place to organize a birthday thing for him, especially since we aren't dating anymore... So I texted his roommates last night and to my honest surprise, they said they had forgotten it was his birthday (is this typical for guys!?!) and thanked me for reminding them.  I'm thankful God allowed me to remind them too because knowing K, I think he would have been sad (at least on the inside, if he didn't show it externally) that his roommates forgot his birthday.  And they are all so close too!  But I'm feeling this icky pride that's wanting to lurk out of my heart... wanting to take credit for being the "one who remembered".... because "if it wasn't for me" then his roommates wouldn't have even remembered.... I think a part of me wants K to know and see and appreciate me.  And then this causes a snowball effect of tempting me to be bitter about the past and all the times when I felt he didn't appreciate me and took me for granted during our relationship.  OH GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY SINFUL SOUL!  Help me to think rightly.  Lord, I want to be humble and to think in ways that are lovely, loving, and true.  Think thoughts that please You.

Well, besides myself, everyone who K invited to his birthday dinner was a brother so I actually felt pretty weird and out of place and didn't want to go anymore... But K texted me, kindly asking if I needed a ride, and when I asked if he would rather just celebrate with all the guys, he said he really wanted me to go, and I really desired to honor his preference and make him happy since it was his birthday.  So I went and was, yet again, an "honorary brother" for the night.  Thankfully it wasn't too awkward and everyone, K included, seemed to have a blessed time.

I'm thankful for JKN and am really going to miss hanging out with them, since J is moving to Florida come August 1.  (I already do miss the handful of blessed times last year when it was just the 4 of us hanging out spontaneously.  Memories I will store in my heart always.)  Today I had an encouraging talk with J as he drove me back from church after VBS meeting.  He was very gracious and generous of his time to be willing to drive all the way back to GCC from USC to drive me home, and he did it with joyful eagerness, saying that it's always encouraging to talk with me and that he would look forward to the drive back because of that, that it would all be worth it.  Well, the feelings are mutual.  I have always enjoyed talking about God, our thoughts on the Christian life, the Bible, evangelism, past experiences, biblical marriage (sometimes), how we're doing and what God's been teaching us, etc... with J.  I really appreciate his insights, sharings, encouragement, and especially how he listens to me and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say.

Today we talked about how the Christian life is a lot about controlling the mind and thinking rightly.  Romans 12:2 commands us to "do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will".  We both talked about how we can rejoice and be thankful and content in any given moment - especially in trials, hard times, or just circumstantially sucky situations - because Jesus died for our sins and gave us forgiveness and salvation.  If we already have the greatest Gift, what else can be better than that?  What else can really "go wrong"?  What else would really matter that much?  Ah, but if only we always thought rightly about things.  Christian life is really about renewing our minds daily and thinking rightly.  God, please help all of us to do this!

Convictions and Revelations from God

I've been audiobooking/reading the book of Matthew and am really convicted by Jesus's words and teachings. Seeing his disciples' little faith in their Discipler (even though they walked and lived with Jesus and saw Him perform miracles with their own eyes! How could they still have little faith if they witnessed such miraculous wonders, I wonder to myself...), I don't judge them but rather relate to them because even though God's been faithful to me in the past (in fact my whole life), I too often times have little faith and still doubt. Doesn't really make sense. In addition to it be not pleasing to God, I'm thankful God has convicted me to see the futility and foolishness in doubting Him. And when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees calling them "crooked, corrupt, adulterous generation"... my heart is pricked too because I know full well that out of my own evil heart has come lots of sin. As I'm reading, I wonder how Jesus felt leading those 12 disciples whom He always referred to as "you of little faith". Wasn't he disappointed and frustrated at them (I know I would be), yet he still loved them enough to die for their sins... doesn't really make sense to me because it's just so not-of-this-world. Another part that stood out to me is found in the miracles of the massive feedings of 4000 and 5000 in Matt 14-15, the verses that said "They all ate and were satisfied". The food that Jesus provides SATISFIES (literal and figurative). I need to always remember that and need to quit trying to fend for myself. 

The past couple months God has really shown me the smallness of my faith through various situations and trials He's allowed. Ultimately, that has turned me to repent, turn to His Word, and pray daily asking for the faith to believe and trust God.

God continues to minister to my soul using His own Word through the Bible. Last week He used Proverbs 3:5-6 to bring a big breakthrough in my thinking... This passage commands me to TRUST in who? The Lord. With what? With ALL my heart (not merely a portion, not even a large portion, but rather ALL of it, WHOLEHEARTED in the truest sense of the word) and to NOT lean on my own understanding.  Even though I had memorized these verses since I was a small child, God's wise words still hit me afresh.  I realized that I had been appraising the breakup according to my own understanding... I didn't fully understand why it happened, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, why God had to allow it.... not that we were perfect but I really felt that the both of us did indeed trust the Lord the best we could together during dating, so if we did that, then why did the relationship have to end up in breakup?... I didn't understand and so I was using my own understanding to try to make sense of it.  BUT... God's Word here tells me to trust Him and NOT in my own understanding.  Bam.  My searching mind not-understanding was suddenly quelled and it was as if in that moment I understood.  I mean, not that I understood exactly what happened between us and all that had "gone wrong" in the relationship (yes, I have learned and am learning but to pinpoint every single reason that led to breakup, I don't think I would be able...) but rather, I understood that I do not need to understand everything before I obey God's command to trust in Him with all my heart.  And I was convicted that that was something that I had not been doing.  Because when I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting God.  You can only do one or the other.  The verses continue by telling us to acknowledge Him in all our ways (acknowledge: to know intimately, to desire His presence) and the promise to claim is that He will make our paths straight.  I know that straight paths do not mean rainbows and sunshine and all my dreams come true, but straight paths do come from God and are part of His will, and I want to be on the straight paths that God prepares for me (even if they are comprised of a bunch of crooked paths which only look straight from a bird's eye point of view) as I continue to practice His presence daily, acknowledging that He is with me in every moment, every situation, every trial, every instance of every day of my life.

Wellspring of Grace

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

I came across this precious jewel of a hymn that I've never heard of before, but its lyrics are so beautiful and God-pointing. They really hit my heartstrings, too, as I've felt at the end of myself so many countless times this past (school) year, 2016-2017.  I wrote down these lyrics immediately, several times actually, and pondered the words.  Sometimes my wandering heart "forgets" about God's generous, giving, gracious character.  Instead of seeing Him rightly as who He is, I sinfully see Him as a distant, nonchalant, stingy God who withholds good things from me.  How absolutely wrong and foolish for me to think that even for a second!  His Word tells us in Psalm 84:11 that no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly, whose walk is blameless.  This hymn reminds me that God loves to give and give, He loves to bless and bless His children who are obedient to Him.  And His infinite resources will never be depleted.  He is the Wellspring of Grace.

Life, and Death

Today, while my brother turned 20, another brother went Home to be with the Lord. I never met the latter but know he was a man of God and attended my church's seminary. He responded to the Lord's calling and became a pastor at another state after graduating TMS. Apparently he was diagnosed with bone marrow failure and suffered greatly physically before his last breath. My heart is saddened for his wife and two sons that he left behind. I along with many others of the church are/will be praying for comfort.

How does a believer cope with and accept death of a loved one who was also a believer? There is definitely overwhelming hope that they will meet again in Heaven... but in the meantime, how will living the remaining days on earth without them be like? I know it's been done (my own EWG small group leader Lois has been a widow for many years and though it's not that she doesn't miss her Ernie, she is still as content and as much of a Proverbs 31 woman you will ever find who's also 87 years old). I know the answer is Jesus. I just don't know "practically", as in firsthand - experientially - how it will be like. I know it's very very hard and painful, and it's definitely not doable for the faith-less.

2017 has been a very crummy year circumstantially. Many tears, many griefs, many disappointments and let-downs and failures. Many deaths - of people and of relationships.

"Our lives have been turned a direction we did not expect, yet our faith is being perfected. We are comforted also by the fact that God knew all our days before there was yet one."

UC Admittance 2nd chance

Wednesday April 26, 2017, 7:45pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UCLA
Friday, April 28, 2017, 3:35pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UC Berkeley

Sam also got accepted to UC Irvine and UC Davis, so he has a bunch of good universities to pray over and choose. Praise God, Your ways and plans are truly the best for us. Please keep granting us the faith to wait on Your timing.

Maybe this could be written on my tombstone

Words borrowed from the great late William Borden:

No reserves. No retreat. No regrets. Apart from Christ, there is no explanation for such a life.

Lord, my sincere prayer to You before I go to sleep tonight is that You would grant me the resolve to live with all my might FOR YOUR GLORY.  These days I find it hard to live, silly and strange as it may sound. Trials and difficult circumstances have revealed the substance of my faith.  I need so much more of You every minute.  Please increase my faith.  Help me to believe in You and Your best plans for me, to stand firm on Your promises, even though I might not see nor understand at the moment.

Help me to live by faith and not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

When I die, if anyone even remembers me, I want to be remembered by my faithfulness and obedience to God.

Secret Heartache

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

It's still hard sometimes at Friday night Bible studies, seeing him from afar, but him not seeing nor noticing nor coming up to talk to me.  I try to not let it show as I converse and fellowship with other GOCers or newcomers.  Not sure what's going through his mind, sometimes I wonder if I ever even cross it anymore.  The words coming from his mouth on the night of the breakup "Don't wait around for me" still haunt me sometimes with a fresh sting each time, yet that was what he said.

For a while, you had me.  Did you not want to keep me?  Was I not worth it to you in the end?  Why...?

Moving on and letting go is not easy for me, but the necessary and right thing to do right now.  I must trust and obey God and keep my eyes focused on Him only right now, no one and nothing else.

Learning to Entrust to God

Tonight I invited Alice and Frank over for dinner since momma is in town to take care of me.  She cooked us all a nice Burmese dinner. Fralice really enjoyed the meal (first time having Burmese food), we even gave them leftovers to bring home. They were very content and happy, we all enjoyed the delicious meal that momma so lovingly and sacrificially prepared.  I couldn't help her much because my leg had been cramping from a long day of walking and driving.  She was very kind to let me rest, even encouraged me to do so.  All day I was looking forward to Fralice's arrival for dinner.  Momma and I share the same God-given spirit of hospitality; we both derive great joy from cooking for and feeding people.  All day I was also thinking about one particular brainy scientist whom I've had to consciously force myself not think about so much these days.  I was sad because a large part of my heart really wanted to invite him to come join us for dinner too.  After all, he is still my brother in Christ and we are commanded in Scripture to love the brethren deeply.  And I wondered about his dinner plans, after a long tiring day in lab.  I don't doubt that he can take care of himself, but that still doesn't remove my constant desire to care for him :( I admit that I miss making him food, miss having him over, miss spending time together, miss him and his presence...  But the heart is deceitful, and sometimes it desires things that - though not sinful - are not wisest nor best.  In the end, I made the decision not to invite him - not because I didn't want to - but because I decided it was not the best to do so.

When Fralice arrived, before we went upstairs to reunite with my cooking momma in the kitchen, I boldly asked them if we could pray right then and there at the bottom of the stairwell.  I asked if we could pray together for my dear brainy scientist brother who has been heavily on my heart.  They graciously agreed and so we closed our eyes and I prayed aloud.  It didn't take much for teardrops to form and silently trickle down my cheeks, even though I tried hard to feign being non-emotional.  I prayed that K would have food to eat tonight, a healthy dinner, that he would not feel lonely or sad or excluded, that he would understand if he found out that I invited Fralice and not him.  I told the Lord how I felt and gave him my sad, longing heart - asking Him to do for K what I so wish I could do but cannot at this moment.  I asked God to continue to help me (us) navigate through this difficult time.  I thanked God for loving and caring for K wayyyyy better than I could ever; though he's often on my mind, he is on God's mind 24/7.  I am learning to entrust K to God, not just him but I am learning to give all that I love and treasure to the Lord because only with God are my treasures kept safest and soundest.  Unto the Lord is where everything is best kept and taken care of.  It is where they rightfully belong anyways - not for me to keep nor clasp tightly to.

I am convicted that if you truly love someone, then you would give him/her to the Lord.  I am learning to do that with K now, even though we are not together anymore because the Lord has taken our relationship away.  I wish I learned this better when we were still dating, but I'm glad at least I learn this now rather than never.  Lord, though we are apart, I still desire to love K the way You want me to - with a pure and genuine love mimicking that of Christ's, always wanting the best for him rather than myself (which would be a selfish kind of love, which I'm naturally good at giving).  Even though my desire to love him is strong and true, I confess that sometimes I do not know how to go about loving him in the best way.  God, will You keep showing me and teaching me, especially since we are still in the same Bible study and serving side by side in the same ministry?

At the same time, while I learn to love better, teach me to protect my heart; to not give even a sliver of it away and to keep my guards way up and firm - double duty gates of steel - until I receive a clear signal and affirmation from You.  Never again do I want to experience heartbreak from a broken relationship, but I know I do not have control over these matters.  I trust You will bring the deepest most complete form of healing in Your perfect time as I continue to patiently wait upon You.

Suffering

God, you see me.  You know what I am going through, and it has been tremendously difficult.  I am suffering and it has been very hard to endure day by day.  Often times I don't feel like I have faith left to persevere.  Would you increase my storage of faith?  I don't want to be a Job's wife.  I refuse to renounce You.  I want to stand firm until the very end, against all that the Enemy throws at me.

Please God

Dear Lord,

Today I am really struggling with discontentment, depression, and despair.  I am experiencing a lot of physical discomfort in my body, and the most frustrating part is I don't really know what the cause or remedy is.  I am afraid and I don't know what to do.  I am doing the best I can to take faith, seek treatment, work part-time, keep marching forward, keep being faithful in ministry and thinking on the needs of others... but I am limping and I need strength added to my strides.  The Enemy is driving me to despair.  I'm not sure if I have a pinched nerve or herniated disk that might be causing sciatica going down my right hamstring and calf, or just a tingling numbing uncomfortable feeling that is very prominent when I drive... or is this all from my scoliosis that might be worsening... or is it just chronic overuse and fatigue of my entire body and all its muscles???  Do I need to take an extended break from work?  Is it okay that I'm working 2 shifts a week?  Am I delaying the healing process, exacerbating my injuries?  Do I need imaging/xray/MRI?  Should I quit my job at Cedars?  But if I quit, I won't have health insurance, not to mention, an income.  I just want to feel well and healthy and alive again.  I want to be content and happy.  But I'm not.  God, I'm really worried and upset about many things.  I'm really resonate with Martha.  I pray to You every day, every hour, desperately.  How come it seems like you have turned a deaf ear...?  I know that cannot be true, because I am Your daughter and You hear your children's pleas...

Please help me, God.  Please come to my aid, come to my rescue.  Let me see Thy goodness.  Let me see You.  Please, please, please.

Resurrection Day

2017 has not been a "good year" circumstantially thusfar.  Over the past few months God has sovereignly allowed some fiery trials in my life.  These include: a very stressful relationship with a very godly brother that lasted about 3 months which ended in a painful breakup last month, an unexpected death in my family, burn-out from work from heavy, challenging, difficult patient assignments and just the constant stressful demands of being a nurse, and physical issues (back/shoulder/neck pain - likely as a result from being chronically overused at work, and accumulated stress in general from everything that's been happening all at once in my life).  It's been a hard time, but I am clinging to the Lord and praying for greater faith in Him, as well as spiritual lenses of faith to see all the good in these trials.  I feel very very weak these days.  I can't remember the last time I woke up without feeling physically unwell, pain-free, and not assailed by the Enemy's attacks.  It's been a constant active battle of the mind to think on Truth.  But I am also experiencing much of God's strength, power, and grace working in me.  His Spirit that indwells me supplies a resiliency that I didn't know I possessed until I am tried.  And someone recently shared with me that the faith tried is the faith true.  I have never longed for my death (so that I can go Home and be reunited in Heaven with Christ) as much as I have this year.  I am so so soooo utterly needy and dependent on God.  He is teaching me so much each and every day.  Though He slays me, yet still I will praise and worship Him!  May I continue to suffer well, learn well, wait patiently and well on behalf of the One who died - and rose! - for me, who ascended into Heaven and now sits at the right hand of God looking down on me.

A Prayer at 1:31 AM

Dear Lord,

Even though life is very difficult right now and my body is in daily and constant (physical, emotional, mental) pain, I pray that you will help me to see Your grace unfold in the process of this journey.  Hopefully this will be a process of healing.  I ask that You would grant me the spiritual lenses to look for Your grace that is given, shown, manifested in these specific trials that break me, hurt me, humble me.

Help me to look for and find Your grace.

Sincerely,
Your child

You Slay and Ruin Me

Lord, today it is very hard to worship You and trust.  I feel so broken, so ashamed, regretful that I had called K in my weakness and that I gave in, sad and sorry to have made him upset, for always making him upset even without trying or doing it on purpose.  I am so grieved, it is stupid and silly but thoughts of dying and being no more seem appealing, because I don't want to deal with the pain and hurt any longer.  I don't want to fight anymore, I kind of want to give up.  The below lyrics are timely, but I honestly am not able to sing it like I mean it right now.

Though You Slay Me

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

When Pain Returns Like a Bitter Friend

For some reason, after an entire week of no tears the crying spell returned today.

Walking down the chips and snack aisles of Trader Joe's today, my heart felt a heavy pang of sadness because I suddenly remembered how I used to buy snacks and chips for K.  Little gifts to make him happy because I know he gets hungry and that he appreciates these treats (he's expressed his gratitude to me in the past before).  I still remember buying him a box of Wheat Thins after fall retreat of last semester as an inside joke because he had called them "Thin Wheats" when we were playing a group game at retreat.  It was hilarious, so many laughs, good times.  Weeks later I accidentally stumbled across the box that was then flattened out, still kept in his backpack.  This was before I knew he had any feelings for me, before he had even expressed any interest.  I was a bit surprised to find it in his backpack and wondered why he even kept it there.  When asked, he said that he didn't want to throw it away... hmmm, I wonder why... I'm sure some internal eyebrows were raised in my heart from that interaction, but I didn't want to think too much on it.  But maybe deep down I already knew, or at least admitted it was a possibility...

I miss him.  I miss us.  I miss being able to love and serve him in those special ways that would only be appropriate in the context of a committed relationship.  I miss cooking for him and serving him, writing him encouraging notes, spending one on one time, being around him, talking to him and hearing him share.

*deep grievous sigh* Alas, all this is in the past, and the present is painful reality of breakup.  Accepting this painful severance that still hurts.  That still makes me weep and cry sad tears and blow nose and dab wet eyes with tons of tissue paper.

Tonight I really miss him, and the desire to talk to him is strong.  I want to find out how he's doing, to share with him how I'm feeling, to want him to know that I'm still grieving immensely over the loss of our relationship, to let him know that I still care about him... a part of me still wonders "why?"

Why does it have to be this way?  You got me... why did you not want to keep me?  Am I not good enough for you?  Not what you wanted?  Not your cup of tea?  A shoe that doesn't fit (I really dislike the sound of this, but someone quoted that at church yesterday)?  Why did you have to stir my heart?  Why aren't you able to commit to me?  Because deep down, I think you are able... it's just a question of why aren't you willing?  Deep down, I've always believed (and perhaps still believe) that things could work out - if two people who have Christ really tried their best.  I persevered and was willing to keep persevering, I never wanted to call it quites.  But I felt that you stopped, you gave up, you didn't want to persevere... not anymore.  Why not?  Am I not worth it to you?  Am I that unworthy of your pursuit?

You really hurt me.  I'm not bitter (how can I be? It's K - one of the godliest brothers that I still respect and think highly of to this day.  He is upright, humble, fears and loves the Lord, and conducted our relationship in purity - something I will be forever grateful for).  I'm just sorely disappointed and painfully grieved.  Fighting t move forward is so hard.  That's what I've been trying to do for the past 3 weeks.  It's hard to be a valiant soldier.  But at the same time, I want to do no less that just that.  Pressing onward with faith in Christ.  That is what I MUST do.  I want to obey.  I don't even want to waste one single day let alone one hour, one minute in disobedience to God.  I eagerly await the Day when all that's wrong will be made right, when all my tears will cease, when all the pain and brokenness in my heart will be no more.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

When will morning come for me?

O LORD, take me Home.

Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me

I first heard this song about 3.5 years ago when I was experiencing the most intense of heartbreak and searing of pain.  Painful as it was, God grew me immensely through that trial.

Now - 3.5 years later - my heart grieves from a a different trial but due to the familiar pain of loss, disappointment, and broken relationship.  Yet the lyrics of this song still remind my hurting soul to turn to the only One who can truly satisfy; in whom are awesome splendor, love, and everlasting joys; in whom all my desires and longings are fully met.

Gladly would I leave behind me
All the pleasure I have known
To pursue surpassing treasures
At the throne of God the Son
Worthy of unending worship
Love and loveliness is He
By His precious death were millions
From the jaws of death set free

Gladly would I give to Jesus
All affection, everything
For the washing of His mercy
Makes my ransomed heart to sing
“Holy, holy!” is the chorus
Rising up from those who see
Christ exalted, bright and burning
Full of pow’r and purity

Where else can I go?
Jesus, You’re the One
That I was made to know
What else can I do?
Jesus, You’re my all
I gladly run to You

Gladly would I flee temptations
For their troubles fill my life
Turn and seek my God and Savior
For His goodness satisfies
Earthly treasures, all are passing
Thieves break in and rust destroys
But in God are awesome splendor
Love, and everlasting joys

Gladly would I give to Jesus
All affection, everything
For the washing of His mercy
Makes my ransomed heart to sing

Still sick but thankful

My cold has worsened since coming back to LA, definitely over the last two days.  After my 12-hour shift today, almost lost my voice (it's very hoarse), nasal congestion, muscle aches, super exhausted.  It's still been emotionally intense and sorrowful for me, lots of crying on Friday night after work when I caught the end of GOC, and lots of crying on Saturday.  Woke up feeling depressed and literally had to force myself out of bed to go to Lisa's baby shower and the USC GOC Girls' Tea Time (originally there was supposed to be a Staff Panel which I was to be a part of).  My heart still felt deeply hurt and broken over the relationship that just ended, and I guess it was missing K too...

But God swept in and eventually lifted me up.  I'll have to explain in a different post how He went about doing it, because it wasn't a sudden 180 degree switch.  It was a more gradual, subtle, even prolonged process through which He wisely orchestrated and used various means and people and encounters and words and sharings and truth to minister to my heart.

Today, I am feeling grateful for my Savior.  Weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  I am so very thankful that Sam and Ethan are here in LA these few days.  Even though I am full-blown sick, I am surprised that my spirit feels alive and quickened, and so very eager and motivated to love and serve.  I'ts really been a joy loving on and serving Sam and Ethan these past couple days: driving them to places, preparing them meals, packing them breakfast, cooking dinner, treating them out to eat... This quote comes from theologian Frederick Buechner comes to mind: 'Vocation is where our greatest passion meets the world's greatest need'.  Doesn't correlate 100%, but the sentiment is there.  I derive great joy and delight in loving/serving my younger brothers by meeting their needs.  So thankful God sovereignly brought them to LA during this time of great mourning and sorrow for me over the breakup and severance of special relationship, that I may not focus on myself and my pain/grief/hurt/sadness during this time of loss but rather, focus my attention on serving others and meeting their needs.  And in so doing, I am being selfless.  Selflessness = Loving God and loving others.  And that is pleasing to God.  My heart smiles in contentment and gladness.

God, You are good all the time.  I will praise You as I lay my head down to sleep.  You have been faithful, I know You will be again.

Unexpectedly Sick

Written on 3/21/2017 but forgot to post

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Well, God's timing sure is unbeatable.  Woke up at 6:30am this morning feeling not good, especially since I had just gone to sleep less than 4 hours ago.  My throat was throbbing and my nose was a bit runny, which later turned into sneezing.  I may have caught a cold from Samuel, who probably caught it from either Laura or her 2 year old daughter Sophie (who we call Squirmy) when we delivered dinner and spent time with them last Thursday night since they had recently just welcomed another newborn into their lives.

There I was, 6:30am in the morning, feeling sick (I probably caught a cold), thinking about how I'm supposed to leave in about 4 hours to drive back to LA... I came outside and met my dad eating breakfast in the kitchen before he left for work at about 7:30am and explained my dilemma to him.  After pointing out that I probably got sick from Sam and voicing a bit of his disapproval of how we watched a movie last night sitting next to one another and how Sam should have either worn a mask or I should not have sat so close to him (dad is right on both accounts -_- not sure why I didn't think of those things last night -_-), he suggested that I stay one more night here and spend today resting, and that I should return to LA tomorrow.  I concurred that was the best idea and was even secretly relieved that I could afford to stay one more day at home before making the trek back to LA tomorrow in time for CBS at night.

It's 6:00pm now, the sun is shining brightly.  Quite a contrast from the harsh rainy, stormy weather last night which carried over to early this morning when I first awoke.  I am happy that the showers stopped though because that means daddy won't be drenched in rain while working.  God is so good.  I've been taking NyQuil q4h and napping during the intervals.  My main symptoms are sore throat and nasal issues, not to mention a bit of aches and pains to my lower back.  But nothing compared to how I was feeling soooo sick earlier last month and ended up in urgent care (that was probably the dreadful influenza).

Last Day in SF

Today is my last day home before going back to LA tomorrow.  I call SF "home" because that is where I grew up and spent 18+ years of my life, this is where my parents currently live with my younger brother, this is the environment with which I am familiar.  But it is not where I currently reside.  I currently live in Los Angeles - where I work, serve in ministry, have abiding relationships, go to church.  Yet I hesitate to call LA "home" either.  My heart struggles to find the comfort and security that it seeks from any place that exists on this earth.

I feel mixed feelings about going back tomorrow.  Dread, because a part of me doesn't want to accept reality, changes, to inevitably have face a certain someone.  Not to mention the grueling 6+ hour drive I'll have to make solo once again.  Hope, because I do hope that things will be better than last week and even eventually back to being okay, someday.  Excitement, for new things that might happen and unfold if I have faith to believe and trust God with my life and my tomorrow.  Fear, that things might become worse or remain unchanged.  Fear of being disappointed yet again... but these days I personally try to prevent that from happening by being careful to not place any hope or expectation on anything or anyone.  Too risky, and this already aching heart of mine has no more room for any more breaking and pain.  Fear of becoming bitter and having a heart filled with wickedness rather than a heart filled with grace, love, peace, forgiveness, kindness, compassion... all the lovely things that Christians strive for and even non-Christians love.  Fear of fearing.  Gosh, I realize (and this is not a new realization sadly) how fear still seems to be the dominating emotion, even though I've countlessly told it "no!" and that I will not be ruled by nor operate out of fear.

O God, help me!

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I journaled the upper portion of this blog earlier in the day.  Now it's past midnight and bedtime, as tomorrow... err later this (Tuesday) morning I must make the long trek back to LA and I'll need as much rest and energy I can get.  I do want to recount God's goodness and love shown to me through my family during this week of respite/mourning/grieving/retreat, especially today.

Sam: I'm thankful for my little brother and the irreplaceable place he has in my life and the special bond between big sister-little brother.  I love how we laugh at each other mid-sentence because the other one knows what the other one is about to say, the joke we're about to crack, the funny thing that we're about to laugh about... it's intuitive and we just know.  I'm thankful for him looking out for me and for his honest input and valuable insight into the various situations of my life, including this most recent relationship and now, breakup.  I'm thankful that talking to him is still able to bring me some comfort, that afterwards (though it isn't a cure) I do feel a little more relieved and uplifted.  I'm thankful for our relationship as earthly siblings but more importantly, our sibling-hood in Christ.  I'm eternally grateful for the ways that God has grown him in his faith, the way he thinks, his priorities, his values and convictions, his perspective on life, how he desires and seeks out discipleship, his commitment and involvement in church... and how he is still growing.

Mom: I am thankful for momma - how her love for me truly is without fail.  There is never a moment that I can doubt her love for me.  It is so lavish and unconditional, that sometimes it overwhelms and even pressures me, if that makes sense.  She sacrifices so much time, energy, effort to constantly do what she thinks is best for me, such as buy a lot of groceries and choicest of Chinese ingredients to cook me food, make me Chinese herbal soup that's good for after periods (massive blood loss) or aches and pains or just good for women in general.  She stays up late to cook me a storm of food to bring back to LA so that I don't have to cook when I get back.  When I sneeze, she's worried that I'm catching a cold.  While some people would find her love to be a bit over the top or even "stifling" (trying not to remember the stinging words of someone and fighting any lingering bitterness in my heart), and I confess that sometimes I've had that attitude of "Mom, you're TOO loving and caring...", I think I would rather be filled with great great gratitude and thanksgiving while humbly and gladly accepting all that she freely does for me (of course encouraging her to rest and not feel obligated to cook and make so much for me all the time).  After all, she is a mother and she's doing what she knows best: mothering.  And she excels at that.  Why cramp her style and stifle her joy by telling her to stop or not do so much?

Dad: I'm really thankful for my dad and love him so much.  Even though he is a man of few words who does not always express himself, and he talks much less than any member of my family, I really respect him and value his words and what he tells me.  This time back, he encouraged me by telling me to move forward and not look back.  Dad is so cool.  When asked if he was bitter or angry at _____, he said no (unlike mom).  He has such an open mind and is able to accept circumstances of life for what they are.  He told me that we can't really put blame on anyone or anything, but that we just have to move on trusting God because God knows best.  Today he had a day off so I got to spend some time with him.  It was raining outside... I secretly hoped that the floodgates of heaven would open wide and the sky would rain itself out today only so that daddy would be spared getting wet when he returns to work... but he said that the rest of the week would be raining :(  After lunch, dad drove me to see a Chinese chiropractor who did tui-na (deep tissue massage), cupping, acupuncture, and placed hot medicinal bandages on my back.  It was a painful process, but a good kind of pain that I knew/hoped/prayed would be therapeutic for my chronic and accumulated injuries that have resulted from work over the past 3+ years, as well as the accumulated stress from the past 3+ months.  Daddy sat patiently in a stool for 1.5+ hours while the Chinese doctor worked on me.  I could tell her really cared about my well-being, knowing that I'll be driving back to LA tomorrow, and wanted me to get checked out because I hadn't seen a chiropractor at all this week.  I'm touched that that he would spend his day off time for me in this way.  And about two hours ago, dad and I went downstairs in the pouring rain (twice!) because he wanted to make sure that my engine oil level was still okay.  We put on water proof jackets on top of our normal clothes, umbrella in hand, dad was wearing a head-light wrapped around his forehead since it was so dark and wet out.  Even though it was cold, windy, raining hard, I really treasured those two trips down to my car with dad.  It was so precious :')  I didn't mind the pouring rain and the sucky weather condition (though in and of themselves, I really would have found it unpleasant - I really don't like getting wet), because I got to endure that with someone I loved very much - my dad.  And I know that he showed me true love - being willing to stay up way past his bedtime on a work night to do that with me, and we got pretty drenched.

Tonight I go to bed knowing I am a very beloved daughter of two loving parents... I mean, three, including my Abba Father in Heaven.  Their love, I do not deserve.  But I gratefully, happily, thankfully receive it wholeheartedly.

Even though I may have loss the love of a man, or perhaps I never knew it to begin with because he never even loved me (I have no idea, only God knows), I know and believe that I am dearly loved by God, and I want that to be more than enough for me.  I want that to mean more than the world to me.  Lord, cause my heart to truly experience this great, great truth and to never want for anything more than your Love.

The Painful Journey of Moving On

I have decided to (try my best to) accept, cope, move on, let go, trust God.  There's no point in turning back, looking to and dwelling on the past.

But why does it still hurt so much?
Why are there lingering feelings of affection, longing, and missing?
Why does it have to be this way?
Why does it suck so much?
How does someone ever really completely ever get over a breakup/separation?

Lord, I Offer My Life to You

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, and all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through, use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

What can we give that You have not given?
And what do we have that is not already Yours?
All we possess are these lives we're living
That's what we give to You, Lord

A Faith Test

It's been a week and one day since the breakup.  I can't say I'm doing well but can't say I'm doing very badly either.  I'm somewhere in between, still grieving sorely.  I drove home to SF late Sunday night, arrived early yesterday morning.  Sam gave me a tattoo of a cross on my right wrist yesterday late afternoon.  I'm currently listening to a series of praise/worship songs by Don Moen on Youtube right now while reading Genesis, tears trickling down as I re-read the account of Abraham being tested by God.  He was asked to sacrifice the only son whom he loved very much as a burnt offering.  Wow, what an incredibly hard thing to be asked of by God..... In some ways, I feel God often asks of me to give up similar things.  First T, and now K.  But God, I'm not like Abraham who was a great man of faith (hence, his nickname "Father of Faith").  In fact, I have come to realize more than ever that I am a woman of very small faith, if any at times.  Unlike Abraham who readily obeyed and didn't ask questions when called upon by You to do something, I do not readily obey and I ask a bunch of questions.  I don't want to be that way, God.  Perhaps you know already, for You formed my heart and you know it.  You know that I desire to be like Abraham - full of faith and obedience.  So You are intervening and aiding me with Your mighty hand in order to bring my prayer request to become reality, even if that process must be extremely painful for me.  Perhaps that is the very thing You have been doing all along, teaching and growing me in my faith in You.

I re-read this devotional today that I first read last Friday night after coming home from GOC because I was still feeling very heartbroken and sad over K.

Hi, I’m Joni Eareckson Tada and do you know what’s in your heart?

That’s a question we need to ask ourselves often, because as scripture says, our hearts are deceitful. I mean, we’ll be thinking we’re doing okay; that we’re cool; we’re tight with the Lord, but in reality? It’s often a different story. Oh, if we could only see, if there were only some way we could truly know our hearts, especially as it concerns our heart-to-heart relationship with the Lord Jesus. Well, there is a way you can know the truth about what’s in your heart. And the clue is in Genesis chapter 22. It’s the story where Abraham is about to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on the altar. Just as Abraham raises his knife, God says, "Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. [For] now I know that you fear [Me,] because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

What an amazing story about Abraham and all that was in his heart, because with hands trembling, he was prepared to offer up his only son. But "Stop!" came the voice from heaven. But why would God say, "Now I know that you fear me?” I mean, the Lord already knew what was in Abraham's heart; He alone knows the hearts of all men. So if God knew the patriarch would pass the test long before Abraham reached for the knife, why put the old man through such a terrible ordeal? Well, the answer is simple: God did not lack information about Abraham, but Abraham probably lacked information about himself.

And this is why God tests our faith, because we are exactly the same as Abraham. God tests your faith, not so much that He might know what's in your heart, but that you might know. We say that we love God, that He’s first in our lives, that our marriages are centered around Him, and that we trust and obey Him. But we easily deceive ourselves unless that love for God is frequently put to the test. God wants us to know the actual, lived-out reality of our preferences for Him. He wants us to know how and to what extent our hearts are truly inclined toward Him. Not merely through words (it's easy to say words) but through the tough, demanding, gritty obedience of the day. God specializes in giving us such a hard test of faith, that it will force us to ask ourselves: Wow, do I love God? Am I really willing to follow Him through this terrible trial? Am I sure He knows what He’s doing? You see, a faith test reveals the true stuff of what’s inside our souls. When our faith goes through a serious test, we get to see, we get to really see, what’s in our hearts.

One of the dangers of the Christian life is that we too often imagine we are people of prayer and people who happily obey, but are we in fact? What we believe must be lived out in reality. So you will face many choices and opportunities today, to show God through your obedience that you do prefer Him. Trials are the best way, the only way, of putting our love for God to the test. Our faith then becomes real. 

Still alive and trekking along...

It's Friday, 4 days since the news from Monday night.  So far no tears today (grace!), and by that I mean none that rolled down my cheeks, because some did well up in my eyes.  Maybe the real test will be when I see him later tonight at GOC, not to mention other brothers and sisters who know us and care about us and might even ask me how we are doing.  Lord, make me strong... strong enough to face and handle.  I know your grace is sufficient.

Last night I wrote:

"Today after seeing the Chinese chiropractor, I tried to eat some lunch at a local Chinese supermarket.  Not so successful, loss my appetite quickly so I only ended up eating 1/5 of it and packed the remainder to go.  I ordered 雲吞麵 but after a few bites inadvertently thought about K, how he would really enjoy this because he loves food.  How I will miss cooking for him and bringing him food.  There was hot chili sauce on the table, which reminded me of him because he really likes spicy stuff.  The Chinese song playing in the background also brought him to mind because it was in Mandarin, and K speaks it so well, teaches in it all the time during CBS :'( .... I remember how sad I felt in that moment and even teared up sitting there at the dining tables, but now as I look back... I tell myself that even those sad moments have now become but memories, and tomorrow (Lord-willing) it will hopefully sting less and I would have moved forward just a little bit more... :') 

I was reflecting on how CBS went well last night 3/8/2017, it was totally God who granted grace and even supernatural joy to carry on, even interact with K.  When I saw him, I really didn't desire to be mean or cold or bitter... but I looked at him with loving eyes and a genuine desire to show kindness and compassion.  That is learned from my Savior.  Truly not of myself since I had just been weeping earlier, and everyone knows I am not one who is able to "fake it".  My goal was to make everything look seamless so that no one would be able to tell anything had even happened between us; I want to be a good testimony to God in that way.  I have personally experienced how the Spirit that indwells Christians equips us with a resiliency that sometimes we don't even know we possess until we are tempted and tried.  Though inwardly and privately, where people may not always see or know or understand, I am still battling intensely, crying on and off.  I am still heavily grieving.  Fighting the mind, feelings, flesh.  Sadness still looms above me.  I pray that the Lord will quickly remove feelings of affection from K, that I won't miss him and be so easily reminded of him by certain things/memories, that I would only see him as a brother and fellow worker in God's harvest field.  I pray that I would still have a heart of loving trust and worship of my Father, even if feebly..."

Lord, just as You enable to daily to move on from T, I have full confidence that You will do no less now as I move on from K and our relationship.  You know the difficulty I face because I have to see K all the time - at GOC, church, even work closely with him in CBS.  You know the tension I feel, of being tempted to give him a cold shoulder but at the same time wanting to set a godly example for the brethren around us who are watching.  God, my heart still grieves immensely, I feel "okay" one moment but crumble and cry the next.  I guess the breakup was not totally mutual, I didn't really want to break up but he left me no choice because he doesn't want to pursue me for marriage.  Perhaps I am naive (or could it be that I'm just a super committed person?), but I was willing to keep going and persevere until the end, because I firmly think that there is nothing that cannot be worked through with Christ.  Or maybe I just really really want to believe that...

God, I pray that I would keep turning to You and keep trusting in You, accepting from your Hand all that You give and take away.  The Enemy is actively battling for my mind right now, sometimes I feel like quitting too.  I wish I could detach my heart/emotions/feelings from myself and not feel so much.  I want to move on in a way that pleases God, I want to fight any bitterness in my heart and not even allow the slightest room for it to fester.  I want to trust in God's goodness and sovereignty and learn the lessons You are impressing upon me, and I know there are many, but I'm struggling.  I continue to pray for our ministry in CBS.  I desire to be God's faithful servant.  I am unsure as to how best interact with K in the future, what will or will not stumble me, and I want to do everything in my power to protect my fragile and already affected heart.  I do not want to let my sin, self, what happened between us to interfere with God's sacred work.

Lord, I know You see and know my heart, and You honor those who earnestly seek You in faith.  So have mercy on me today, have mercy on me.  I am crying out to You in desperation.  You are the One whom I am desperately clinging to.  Teach me the sufficiency of Christ.  Teach me what it means to place all my hope in You alone, teach me how to look to You for all comfort, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, love, acceptance, understanding, peace, provision.  I think I have learned well from the past relationship and breakup, but it's sad and disappointing times like these that You reveal to me where my heart still is and how much I still need to learn.  Help me God.  I do not want to look at myself, for that will cause me to greatly despair.  I look to You as the One who will help me change and grow, to become more sanctified and Christ-like.

Thank you, Lord!!!!!

Heartbroken... again

It's back to You and me, God

3/6/2017

Dear Satan, I hope you are reading this.  These days my heart is very very grieved, aching, vulnerable, broken, messy.  You might be cheering in delight at my messed-up state, for you think that I am weak and prone to attack, inclined to stumble and fall into sin by giving into my flesh... yes, it is true that I am in the aforementioned state... BUT I want you to know that I have a great Savior who so happens to be the commander of a great army of saints, of which I am a soldier.  And He is fighting for me; I need only be still.  We are all resilient troopers fighting on God's side.  We are loyal to our King and Master, and we will never - let me repeat - NEVER betray, deny, turn our backs on Him... no matter what!  Treason is not an option.  Not for this heart of mine, not for this body.  You can kill me, but you will never have possession of my heart.  I have long since given it to One who has vowed to never leave nor forsake me, He has promised to take care of me, to only give me the best no matter what happens.  He has loved me enough to give His own life, and continues to love me with a covenental agape that is unmatched.  I can find none other like Him in this world.  Though my flesh and my heart may fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Though I am weak, He is strong.  Though I am incapable, He is mighty and able.  Even though I am sorely disappointed, wounded, let down by man once again, I know that I will be okay... because I have placed my trust in the Living God, the maker of Heaven and earth and every human being.  He is still sitting on His throne ruling over all.  Satan, you will not reign in my heart.  I will not listen to your lies, I will not accept your accusations, I will not believe your deceit.  I will not succumb to your temptations to sin.  You want to make me doubt God's character, His sovereign care for me, His wise and perfect plans for my life, you want me to harbor hatred and bitterness against K along with other brothers and sisters who have wounded me deeply in the past, you want me to wallow in self pity, to get lost and trapped in my own fluctuating emotions, to be burdened and weighed down by grief, anxiety, fear, depression, worry, anger, guilt, bitterness.  But I say no to all that.  NO!!!  And yes to Christ.  I will not listen to a single word you whisper into my ear, I will not let you plant a single seed into my head.  I will not believe what you tell me.  Rather, I believe in Jesus Christ.  He is the Son of God, who has shed his own blood for my sin, he paid the price for my iniquity so that I may live and be reconciled to God.  My citizenship and permanent residence shall be in Heaven, and I look forward to the day where I can finally be reunited with my Lord and Savior.  The blessed day when freed from sinning I shall see His lovely face, when my faith shall be made sight.  I know that I am dearly and deeply loved by God, and nothing can nor will ever change that.  But until then, I will daily fight the good fight.  I have counted the cost, I will take up my cross daily, deny myself, and follow Jesus.  

May Jesus Christ be praised always and forever!!!

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands." -Psalm 63:3-4

God is greater than all my sin

Grace, grace, God's grace, 

grace that will pardon and cleanse within; 

grace, grace, God's grace, 

grace that is greater than all my sin! 

Praise the Lord

His mercy is more

Stronger than darkness, new every morn

My sins they are many, his mercy is more

...but where sin increased, grace abounded all the more, so that, as sin reigned in death, grace also might reign through righteousness leading to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord. -Romans 5:20-21

“Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken." -Isaiah 1:18-20

Stuck

Dear Heavenly Father,

I feel really stuck right now, I don't know what to do.  I don't know if I should keep going or stop.  I am afraid.  I just long for better and happier days, and I long for freedom.  I'm not sure what is the best, will you please show me and guide me?  Will you please reveal what is the best for me?  People to my left and right are giving me conflicting counsel, which makes things harder.  It is difficult to discern what the wisest and best decision to make right now is.  Sometimes it seems so "easy" and "obvious" what I should do, but I don't know why I don't feel confident about going that route.  I don't want to regret my decision.  I don't want to be ruled by fear, yet I don't want to be hasty.

I just don't know what to do, God.  Please help me.  Please let me hear Your voice clearly.  I need to hear You, I need You to show me what to do.  Help me to trust in You and to keep walking the path of faith.  Forgive me for not trusting in You, for being crippled and paralyzed by fear, for doubting Your goodness, for being of such little faith.