sad 1.5 miles on the track

It's nights like these when I'm tempted to think (maybe not even tempted, just "I think") that we won't work out.  But only God knows, and time will tell.....

Funnily, throught it all, the LaLa Land soundtrack is still playing on repeat in my head.

Here's to the ones who dream
Foolish as they may seem
Here's to the hearts that ache
Here's to the mess we make

True Love

O Lord, I don't know if I've ever cried so much out of frustration at someone, but at the same time crying because I do not have the heart to be upset at this person, so instead I am fighting to lavishly love and cover with grace, because perhaps that is the deeper desire of my unstable, weak, vulnerable heart... Frustration/anger/upset mingled with love/grace/kindness/forgiveness.  Don't know if I've felt such intense feelings before, maybe I have.  But such a not-good feeling of feeling entangled in something that's hard to tease apart.  What a clashing tension, an overwhelming burden that causes my frail heart to strain from the heavy weight pulling it down. *deep sigh* Is this what "true love" is supposed to feel like?  Ironic to ask, as I was the one who, after watching Lala Land, today boldly exclaimed "true love sacrifices".  Then I suppose that I should already know the answer.  Sacrifice means giving up something.  True love isn't all rainbows and sunshine.  In fact, true love hurts because it usually requires dying to self.  At EWG this week the speaker quoted "True Love is always seeking what's best for the one loved, fueled by True Love for Christ."

Whatever happens between you and me, I want to truly Love you in the way that our Savior loved us.  That means somehow seeking out for your best interest without giving my heart away.  What a fine line to walk.  Though I pride myself in thinking that I am such a Love-ing person and am quite love-able myself (how pridefully conceited I am!), maybe I too am just learning and re-learning daily through our relationship what it really means to Truly Love.  I confess that I need Christ, so much wisdom, an infinite amount of grace, patience, kindness, perseverance, humility, strength, joy, gentleness, Love, faith... to keep moving forward in our relationship.

If you're reading this, thank you for the lovely card you wrote me for Chinese New Year and my Chinese Birthday.  I was deeply moved by your genuine words, which affirmed me and touched my heart - even the parts that were not as easy to hear but constructive and much-needed to be heard - making water come out of my eyeballs once again.  (Sigh, you've become a pro at doing that.)  I sincerely thank you.

1/28/2017

I Asked The Lord That I Might Grow

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

An Honest Prayer Before a Date

Dear God,

I'm so thankful for You, Your Son Jesus Christ, Your wonderful church of which I am a part.  I am so thankful to belong to You, to be Yours.

At 5pm, we will meet and then take the Metro to Santa Monica.  He wants to walk along the beach.  Perhaps we shall get dinner together afterwards somewhere, then take the Metro back before it gets too late.  I'm looking forward to spending time together, to enjoy his company (dare I say, even secretly excited?).  Oh Lord, I am afraid... afraid of getting into some silly conflict or misunderstanding (which seems to have been the trend of our last few meet-ups); of my own sin, pride, selfishness, emotions getting in the way; of crying, which makes everything worse; of something going awry and then we end up having a bad time... at the same time, I also fear getting attached to him, of liking him too much.  My heart is fragile, vulnerable, prone to wander and sin - Lord, You know it.  Though it is wicked and sinful, it is also highly sensitive to sin and heavily desirous to do what is right and pleasing to You, all because of the Holy Spirit which dwells within.  My heart is constantly on the lookout for any creeping potential idols lurking from a near distance (from close or afar), any threats to Your rightful throne-seat in my heart.  Though it is weak, my heart is also familiar with building fortresses, setting up safeguards to protect the most vital "organ" contained in my entire being.  Oh Lord, may You be my strong tower, the only One who can truly protect and keep me pure and blameless in Your holy sight.

My God, please silence these anxious thoughts and worries in my heart this moment by Your presence, Your Word, Your promises.  I know that I should not worry but instead pray, so that is what I am choosing to do right now.  Lord, I pray specifically that our time together would be fun, pure, honoring to You, that we would learn more about each other, that we would be able to be ourselves and love/accept one another for what You have uniquely made us to be.  Lead us in this relationship as we continue to follow You, in faith.

In Your powerful and matchless Name I pray,
Amen.

so I wait for You

Another long, difficult, tearful conversation with K tonight.  I feel sad, disappointed, tired, afraid, confused, uncertain... Oh God, I don't know what else to do right now but to run to You.  My soul and body are weary, and I long for the fullness of joy that is found in Your Presence alone.

Please comfort me, my Jesus.

Hungry, I come to you
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry

So I wait for You
So I wait for You

I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for

Broken, I run to You
For Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life

So I wait for You
So I wait for You

"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him." -Psalm 37:7 (KJV)