UC Admittance 2nd chance

Wednesday April 26, 2017, 7:45pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UCLA
Friday, April 28, 2017, 3:35pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UC Berkeley

Sam also got accepted to UC Irvine and UC Davis, so he has a bunch of good universities to pray over and choose. Praise God, Your ways and plans are truly the best for us. Please keep granting us the faith to wait on Your timing.

Maybe this could be written on my tombstone

Words borrowed from the great late William Borden:

No reserves. No retreat. No regrets. Apart from Christ, there is no explanation for such a life.

Lord, my sincere prayer to You before I go to sleep tonight is that You would grant me the resolve to live with all my might FOR YOUR GLORY.  These days I find it hard to live, silly and strange as it may sound. Trials and difficult circumstances have revealed the substance of my faith.  I need so much more of You every minute.  Please increase my faith.  Help me to believe in You and Your best plans for me, to stand firm on Your promises, even though I might not see nor understand at the moment.

Help me to live by faith and not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

When I die, if anyone even remembers me, I want to be remembered by my faithfulness and obedience to God.

Secret Heartache

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

It's still hard sometimes at Friday night Bible studies, seeing him from afar, but him not seeing nor noticing nor coming up to talk to me.  I try to not let it show as I converse and fellowship with other GOCers or newcomers.  Not sure what's going through his mind, sometimes I wonder if I ever even cross it anymore.  The words coming from his mouth on the night of the breakup "Don't wait around for me" still haunt me sometimes with a fresh sting each time, yet that was what he said.

For a while, you had me.  Did you not want to keep me?  Was I not worth it to you in the end?  Why...?

Moving on and letting go is not easy for me, but the necessary and right thing to do right now.  I must trust and obey God and keep my eyes focused on Him only right now, no one and nothing else.

Learning to Entrust to God

Tonight I invited Alice and Frank over for dinner since momma is in town to take care of me.  She cooked us all a nice Burmese dinner. Fralice really enjoyed the meal (first time having Burmese food), we even gave them leftovers to bring home. They were very content and happy, we all enjoyed the delicious meal that momma so lovingly and sacrificially prepared.  I couldn't help her much because my leg had been cramping from a long day of walking and driving.  She was very kind to let me rest, even encouraged me to do so.  All day I was looking forward to Fralice's arrival for dinner.  Momma and I share the same God-given spirit of hospitality; we both derive great joy from cooking for and feeding people.  All day I was also thinking about one particular brainy scientist whom I've had to consciously force myself not think about so much these days.  I was sad because a large part of my heart really wanted to invite him to come join us for dinner too.  After all, he is still my brother in Christ and we are commanded in Scripture to love the brethren deeply.  And I wondered about his dinner plans, after a long tiring day in lab.  I don't doubt that he can take care of himself, but that still doesn't remove my constant desire to care for him :( I admit that I miss making him food, miss having him over, miss spending time together, miss him and his presence...  But the heart is deceitful, and sometimes it desires things that - though not sinful - are not wisest nor best.  In the end, I made the decision not to invite him - not because I didn't want to - but because I decided it was not the best to do so.

When Fralice arrived, before we went upstairs to reunite with my cooking momma in the kitchen, I boldly asked them if we could pray right then and there at the bottom of the stairwell.  I asked if we could pray together for my dear brainy scientist brother who has been heavily on my heart.  They graciously agreed and so we closed our eyes and I prayed aloud.  It didn't take much for teardrops to form and silently trickle down my cheeks, even though I tried hard to feign being non-emotional.  I prayed that K would have food to eat tonight, a healthy dinner, that he would not feel lonely or sad or excluded, that he would understand if he found out that I invited Fralice and not him.  I told the Lord how I felt and gave him my sad, longing heart - asking Him to do for K what I so wish I could do but cannot at this moment.  I asked God to continue to help me (us) navigate through this difficult time.  I thanked God for loving and caring for K wayyyyy better than I could ever; though he's often on my mind, he is on God's mind 24/7.  I am learning to entrust K to God, not just him but I am learning to give all that I love and treasure to the Lord because only with God are my treasures kept safest and soundest.  Unto the Lord is where everything is best kept and taken care of.  It is where they rightfully belong anyways - not for me to keep nor clasp tightly to.

I am convicted that if you truly love someone, then you would give him/her to the Lord.  I am learning to do that with K now, even though we are not together anymore because the Lord has taken our relationship away.  I wish I learned this better when we were still dating, but I'm glad at least I learn this now rather than never.  Lord, though we are apart, I still desire to love K the way You want me to - with a pure and genuine love mimicking that of Christ's, always wanting the best for him rather than myself (which would be a selfish kind of love, which I'm naturally good at giving).  Even though my desire to love him is strong and true, I confess that sometimes I do not know how to go about loving him in the best way.  God, will You keep showing me and teaching me, especially since we are still in the same Bible study and serving side by side in the same ministry?

At the same time, while I learn to love better, teach me to protect my heart; to not give even a sliver of it away and to keep my guards way up and firm - double duty gates of steel - until I receive a clear signal and affirmation from You.  Never again do I want to experience heartbreak from a broken relationship, but I know I do not have control over these matters.  I trust You will bring the deepest most complete form of healing in Your perfect time as I continue to patiently wait upon You.

Suffering

God, you see me.  You know what I am going through, and it has been tremendously difficult.  I am suffering and it has been very hard to endure day by day.  Often times I don't feel like I have faith left to persevere.  Would you increase my storage of faith?  I don't want to be a Job's wife.  I refuse to renounce You.  I want to stand firm until the very end, against all that the Enemy throws at me.

Please God

Dear Lord,

Today I am really struggling with discontentment, depression, and despair.  I am experiencing a lot of physical discomfort in my body, and the most frustrating part is I don't really know what the cause or remedy is.  I am afraid and I don't know what to do.  I am doing the best I can to take faith, seek treatment, work part-time, keep marching forward, keep being faithful in ministry and thinking on the needs of others... but I am limping and I need strength added to my strides.  The Enemy is driving me to despair.  I'm not sure if I have a pinched nerve or herniated disk that might be causing sciatica going down my right hamstring and calf, or just a tingling numbing uncomfortable feeling that is very prominent when I drive... or is this all from my scoliosis that might be worsening... or is it just chronic overuse and fatigue of my entire body and all its muscles???  Do I need to take an extended break from work?  Is it okay that I'm working 2 shifts a week?  Am I delaying the healing process, exacerbating my injuries?  Do I need imaging/xray/MRI?  Should I quit my job at Cedars?  But if I quit, I won't have health insurance, not to mention, an income.  I just want to feel well and healthy and alive again.  I want to be content and happy.  But I'm not.  God, I'm really worried and upset about many things.  I'm really resonate with Martha.  I pray to You every day, every hour, desperately.  How come it seems like you have turned a deaf ear...?  I know that cannot be true, because I am Your daughter and You hear your children's pleas...

Please help me, God.  Please come to my aid, come to my rescue.  Let me see Thy goodness.  Let me see You.  Please, please, please.

Resurrection Day

2017 has not been a "good year" circumstantially thusfar.  Over the past few months God has sovereignly allowed some fiery trials in my life.  These include: a very stressful relationship with a very godly brother that lasted about 3 months which ended in a painful breakup last month, an unexpected death in my family, burn-out from work from heavy, challenging, difficult patient assignments and just the constant stressful demands of being a nurse, and physical issues (back/shoulder/neck pain - likely as a result from being chronically overused at work, and accumulated stress in general from everything that's been happening all at once in my life).  It's been a hard time, but I am clinging to the Lord and praying for greater faith in Him, as well as spiritual lenses of faith to see all the good in these trials.  I feel very very weak these days.  I can't remember the last time I woke up without feeling physically unwell, pain-free, and not assailed by the Enemy's attacks.  It's been a constant active battle of the mind to think on Truth.  But I am also experiencing much of God's strength, power, and grace working in me.  His Spirit that indwells me supplies a resiliency that I didn't know I possessed until I am tried.  And someone recently shared with me that the faith tried is the faith true.  I have never longed for my death (so that I can go Home and be reunited in Heaven with Christ) as much as I have this year.  I am so so soooo utterly needy and dependent on God.  He is teaching me so much each and every day.  Though He slays me, yet still I will praise and worship Him!  May I continue to suffer well, learn well, wait patiently and well on behalf of the One who died - and rose! - for me, who ascended into Heaven and now sits at the right hand of God looking down on me.

A Prayer at 1:31 AM

Dear Lord,

Even though life is very difficult right now and my body is in daily and constant (physical, emotional, mental) pain, I pray that you will help me to see Your grace unfold in the process of this journey.  Hopefully this will be a process of healing.  I ask that You would grant me the spiritual lenses to look for Your grace that is given, shown, manifested in these specific trials that break me, hurt me, humble me.

Help me to look for and find Your grace.

Sincerely,
Your child

You Slay and Ruin Me

Lord, today it is very hard to worship You and trust.  I feel so broken, so ashamed, regretful that I had called K in my weakness and that I gave in, sad and sorry to have made him upset, for always making him upset even without trying or doing it on purpose.  I am so grieved, it is stupid and silly but thoughts of dying and being no more seem appealing, because I don't want to deal with the pain and hurt any longer.  I don't want to fight anymore, I kind of want to give up.  The below lyrics are timely, but I honestly am not able to sing it like I mean it right now.

Though You Slay Me

I come, God, I come
I return to the Lord
The one who’s broken
The one who’s torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say you do it all in love
That I might know you in your suffering

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

My heart and flesh may fail
The earth below give way
But with my eyes, with my eyes I’ll see the Lord
Lifted high on that day
Behold, the Lamb that was slain
And I’ll know every tear was worth it all

Though you slay me
Yet I will praise you
Though you take from me
I will bless your name
Though you ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who’s all I need

Though tonight I’m crying out
Let this cup pass from me now
You’re still more than I need
You’re enough for me
You’re enough for me

When Pain Returns Like a Bitter Friend

For some reason, after an entire week of no tears the crying spell returned today.

Walking down the chips and snack aisles of Trader Joe's today, my heart felt a heavy pang of sadness because I suddenly remembered how I used to buy snacks and chips for K.  Little gifts to make him happy because I know he gets hungry and that he appreciates these treats (he's expressed his gratitude to me in the past before).  I still remember buying him a box of Wheat Thins after fall retreat of last semester as an inside joke because he had called them "Thin Wheats" when we were playing a group game at retreat.  It was hilarious, so many laughs, good times.  Weeks later I accidentally stumbled across the box that was then flattened out, still kept in his backpack.  This was before I knew he had any feelings for me, before he had even expressed any interest.  I was a bit surprised to find it in his backpack and wondered why he even kept it there.  When asked, he said that he didn't want to throw it away... hmmm, I wonder why... I'm sure some internal eyebrows were raised in my heart from that interaction, but I didn't want to think too much on it.  But maybe deep down I already knew, or at least admitted it was a possibility...

I miss him.  I miss us.  I miss being able to love and serve him in those special ways that would only be appropriate in the context of a committed relationship.  I miss cooking for him and serving him, writing him encouraging notes, spending one on one time, being around him, talking to him and hearing him share.

*deep grievous sigh* Alas, all this is in the past, and the present is painful reality of breakup.  Accepting this painful severance that still hurts.  That still makes me weep and cry sad tears and blow nose and dab wet eyes with tons of tissue paper.

Tonight I really miss him, and the desire to talk to him is strong.  I want to find out how he's doing, to share with him how I'm feeling, to want him to know that I'm still grieving immensely over the loss of our relationship, to let him know that I still care about him... a part of me still wonders "why?"

Why does it have to be this way?  You got me... why did you not want to keep me?  Am I not good enough for you?  Not what you wanted?  Not your cup of tea?  A shoe that doesn't fit (I really dislike the sound of this, but someone quoted that at church yesterday)?  Why did you have to stir my heart?  Why aren't you able to commit to me?  Because deep down, I think you are able... it's just a question of why aren't you willing?  Deep down, I've always believed (and perhaps still believe) that things could work out - if two people who have Christ really tried their best.  I persevered and was willing to keep persevering, I never wanted to call it quites.  But I felt that you stopped, you gave up, you didn't want to persevere... not anymore.  Why not?  Am I not worth it to you?  Am I that unworthy of your pursuit?

You really hurt me.  I'm not bitter (how can I be? It's K - one of the godliest brothers that I still respect and think highly of to this day.  He is upright, humble, fears and loves the Lord, and conducted our relationship in purity - something I will be forever grateful for).  I'm just sorely disappointed and painfully grieved.  Fighting t move forward is so hard.  That's what I've been trying to do for the past 3 weeks.  It's hard to be a valiant soldier.  But at the same time, I want to do no less that just that.  Pressing onward with faith in Christ.  That is what I MUST do.  I want to obey.  I don't even want to waste one single day let alone one hour, one minute in disobedience to God.  I eagerly await the Day when all that's wrong will be made right, when all my tears will cease, when all the pain and brokenness in my heart will be no more.

"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5

When will morning come for me?

O LORD, take me Home.