Gladly Would I Leave Behind Me

I first heard this song about 3.5 years ago when I was experiencing the most intense of heartbreak and searing of pain.  Painful as it was, God grew me immensely through that trial.

Now - 3.5 years later - my heart grieves from a a different trial but due to the familiar pain of loss, disappointment, and broken relationship.  Yet the lyrics of this song still remind my hurting soul to turn to the only One who can truly satisfy; in whom are awesome splendor, love, and everlasting joys; in whom all my desires and longings are fully met.

Gladly would I leave behind me
All the pleasure I have known
To pursue surpassing treasures
At the throne of God the Son
Worthy of unending worship
Love and loveliness is He
By His precious death were millions
From the jaws of death set free

Gladly would I give to Jesus
All affection, everything
For the washing of His mercy
Makes my ransomed heart to sing
“Holy, holy!” is the chorus
Rising up from those who see
Christ exalted, bright and burning
Full of pow’r and purity

Where else can I go?
Jesus, You’re the One
That I was made to know
What else can I do?
Jesus, You’re my all
I gladly run to You

Gladly would I flee temptations
For their troubles fill my life
Turn and seek my God and Savior
For His goodness satisfies
Earthly treasures, all are passing
Thieves break in and rust destroys
But in God are awesome splendor
Love, and everlasting joys

Gladly would I give to Jesus
All affection, everything
For the washing of His mercy
Makes my ransomed heart to sing

Still sick but thankful

My cold has worsened since coming back to LA, definitely over the last two days.  After my 12-hour shift today, almost lost my voice (it's very hoarse), nasal congestion, muscle aches, super exhausted.  It's still been emotionally intense and sorrowful for me, lots of crying on Friday night after work when I caught the end of GOC, and lots of crying on Saturday.  Woke up feeling depressed and literally had to force myself out of bed to go to Lisa's baby shower and the USC GOC Girls' Tea Time (originally there was supposed to be a Staff Panel which I was to be a part of).  My heart still felt deeply hurt and broken over the relationship that just ended, and I guess it was missing K too...

But God swept in and eventually lifted me up.  I'll have to explain in a different post how He went about doing it, because it wasn't a sudden 180 degree switch.  It was a more gradual, subtle, even prolonged process through which He wisely orchestrated and used various means and people and encounters and words and sharings and truth to minister to my heart.

Today, I am feeling grateful for my Savior.  Weeping may tarry for a night, but joy comes in the morning.  I am so very thankful that Sam and Ethan are here in LA these few days.  Even though I am full-blown sick, I am surprised that my spirit feels alive and quickened, and so very eager and motivated to love and serve.  I'ts really been a joy loving on and serving Sam and Ethan these past couple days: driving them to places, preparing them meals, packing them breakfast, cooking dinner, treating them out to eat... This quote comes from theologian Frederick Buechner comes to mind: 'Vocation is where our greatest passion meets the world's greatest need'.  Doesn't correlate 100%, but the sentiment is there.  I derive great joy and delight in loving/serving my younger brothers by meeting their needs.  So thankful God sovereignly brought them to LA during this time of great mourning and sorrow for me over the breakup and severance of special relationship, that I may not focus on myself and my pain/grief/hurt/sadness during this time of loss but rather, focus my attention on serving others and meeting their needs.  And in so doing, I am being selfless.  Selflessness = Loving God and loving others.  And that is pleasing to God.  My heart smiles in contentment and gladness.

God, You are good all the time.  I will praise You as I lay my head down to sleep.  You have been faithful, I know You will be again.

Unexpectedly Sick

Written on 3/21/2017 but forgot to post

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Well, God's timing sure is unbeatable.  Woke up at 6:30am this morning feeling not good, especially since I had just gone to sleep less than 4 hours ago.  My throat was throbbing and my nose was a bit runny, which later turned into sneezing.  I may have caught a cold from Samuel, who probably caught it from either Laura or her 2 year old daughter Sophie (who we call Squirmy) when we delivered dinner and spent time with them last Thursday night since they had recently just welcomed another newborn into their lives.

There I was, 6:30am in the morning, feeling sick (I probably caught a cold), thinking about how I'm supposed to leave in about 4 hours to drive back to LA... I came outside and met my dad eating breakfast in the kitchen before he left for work at about 7:30am and explained my dilemma to him.  After pointing out that I probably got sick from Sam and voicing a bit of his disapproval of how we watched a movie last night sitting next to one another and how Sam should have either worn a mask or I should not have sat so close to him (dad is right on both accounts -_- not sure why I didn't think of those things last night -_-), he suggested that I stay one more night here and spend today resting, and that I should return to LA tomorrow.  I concurred that was the best idea and was even secretly relieved that I could afford to stay one more day at home before making the trek back to LA tomorrow in time for CBS at night.

It's 6:00pm now, the sun is shining brightly.  Quite a contrast from the harsh rainy, stormy weather last night which carried over to early this morning when I first awoke.  I am happy that the showers stopped though because that means daddy won't be drenched in rain while working.  God is so good.  I've been taking NyQuil q4h and napping during the intervals.  My main symptoms are sore throat and nasal issues, not to mention a bit of aches and pains to my lower back.  But nothing compared to how I was feeling soooo sick earlier last month and ended up in urgent care (that was probably the dreadful influenza).

Last Day in SF

Today is my last day home before going back to LA tomorrow.  I call SF "home" because that is where I grew up and spent 18+ years of my life, this is where my parents currently live with my younger brother, this is the environment with which I am familiar.  But it is not where I currently reside.  I currently live in Los Angeles - where I work, serve in ministry, have abiding relationships, go to church.  Yet I hesitate to call LA "home" either.  My heart struggles to find the comfort and security that it seeks from any place that exists on this earth.

I feel mixed feelings about going back tomorrow.  Dread, because a part of me doesn't want to accept reality, changes, to inevitably have face a certain someone.  Not to mention the grueling 6+ hour drive I'll have to make solo once again.  Hope, because I do hope that things will be better than last week and even eventually back to being okay, someday.  Excitement, for new things that might happen and unfold if I have faith to believe and trust God with my life and my tomorrow.  Fear, that things might become worse or remain unchanged.  Fear of being disappointed yet again... but these days I personally try to prevent that from happening by being careful to not place any hope or expectation on anything or anyone.  Too risky, and this already aching heart of mine has no more room for any more breaking and pain.  Fear of becoming bitter and having a heart filled with wickedness rather than a heart filled with grace, love, peace, forgiveness, kindness, compassion... all the lovely things that Christians strive for and even non-Christians love.  Fear of fearing.  Gosh, I realize (and this is not a new realization sadly) how fear still seems to be the dominating emotion, even though I've countlessly told it "no!" and that I will not be ruled by nor operate out of fear.

O God, help me!

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I journaled the upper portion of this blog earlier in the day.  Now it's past midnight and bedtime, as tomorrow... err later this (Tuesday) morning I must make the long trek back to LA and I'll need as much rest and energy I can get.  I do want to recount God's goodness and love shown to me through my family during this week of respite/mourning/grieving/retreat, especially today.

Sam: I'm thankful for my little brother and the irreplaceable place he has in my life and the special bond between big sister-little brother.  I love how we laugh at each other mid-sentence because the other one knows what the other one is about to say, the joke we're about to crack, the funny thing that we're about to laugh about... it's intuitive and we just know.  I'm thankful for him looking out for me and for his honest input and valuable insight into the various situations of my life, including this most recent relationship and now, breakup.  I'm thankful that talking to him is still able to bring me some comfort, that afterwards (though it isn't a cure) I do feel a little more relieved and uplifted.  I'm thankful for our relationship as earthly siblings but more importantly, our sibling-hood in Christ.  I'm eternally grateful for the ways that God has grown him in his faith, the way he thinks, his priorities, his values and convictions, his perspective on life, how he desires and seeks out discipleship, his commitment and involvement in church... and how he is still growing.

Mom: I am thankful for momma - how her love for me truly is without fail.  There is never a moment that I can doubt her love for me.  It is so lavish and unconditional, that sometimes it overwhelms and even pressures me, if that makes sense.  She sacrifices so much time, energy, effort to constantly do what she thinks is best for me, such as buy a lot of groceries and choicest of Chinese ingredients to cook me food, make me Chinese herbal soup that's good for after periods (massive blood loss) or aches and pains or just good for women in general.  She stays up late to cook me a storm of food to bring back to LA so that I don't have to cook when I get back.  When I sneeze, she's worried that I'm catching a cold.  While some people would find her love to be a bit over the top or even "stifling" (trying not to remember the stinging words of someone and fighting any lingering bitterness in my heart), and I confess that sometimes I've had that attitude of "Mom, you're TOO loving and caring...", I think I would rather be filled with great great gratitude and thanksgiving while humbly and gladly accepting all that she freely does for me (of course encouraging her to rest and not feel obligated to cook and make so much for me all the time).  After all, she is a mother and she's doing what she knows best: mothering.  And she excels at that.  Why cramp her style and stifle her joy by telling her to stop or not do so much?

Dad: I'm really thankful for my dad and love him so much.  Even though he is a man of few words who does not always express himself, and he talks much less than any member of my family, I really respect him and value his words and what he tells me.  This time back, he encouraged me by telling me to move forward and not look back.  Dad is so cool.  When asked if he was bitter or angry at _____, he said no (unlike mom).  He has such an open mind and is able to accept circumstances of life for what they are.  He told me that we can't really put blame on anyone or anything, but that we just have to move on trusting God because God knows best.  Today he had a day off so I got to spend some time with him.  It was raining outside... I secretly hoped that the floodgates of heaven would open wide and the sky would rain itself out today only so that daddy would be spared getting wet when he returns to work... but he said that the rest of the week would be raining :(  After lunch, dad drove me to see a Chinese chiropractor who did tui-na (deep tissue massage), cupping, acupuncture, and placed hot medicinal bandages on my back.  It was a painful process, but a good kind of pain that I knew/hoped/prayed would be therapeutic for my chronic and accumulated injuries that have resulted from work over the past 3+ years, as well as the accumulated stress from the past 3+ months.  Daddy sat patiently in a stool for 1.5+ hours while the Chinese doctor worked on me.  I could tell her really cared about my well-being, knowing that I'll be driving back to LA tomorrow, and wanted me to get checked out because I hadn't seen a chiropractor at all this week.  I'm touched that that he would spend his day off time for me in this way.  And about two hours ago, dad and I went downstairs in the pouring rain (twice!) because he wanted to make sure that my engine oil level was still okay.  We put on water proof jackets on top of our normal clothes, umbrella in hand, dad was wearing a head-light wrapped around his forehead since it was so dark and wet out.  Even though it was cold, windy, raining hard, I really treasured those two trips down to my car with dad.  It was so precious :')  I didn't mind the pouring rain and the sucky weather condition (though in and of themselves, I really would have found it unpleasant - I really don't like getting wet), because I got to endure that with someone I loved very much - my dad.  And I know that he showed me true love - being willing to stay up way past his bedtime on a work night to do that with me, and we got pretty drenched.

Tonight I go to bed knowing I am a very beloved daughter of two loving parents... I mean, three, including my Abba Father in Heaven.  Their love, I do not deserve.  But I gratefully, happily, thankfully receive it wholeheartedly.

Even though I may have loss the love of a man, or perhaps I never knew it to begin with because he never even loved me (I have no idea, only God knows), I know and believe that I am dearly loved by God, and I want that to be more than enough for me.  I want that to mean more than the world to me.  Lord, cause my heart to truly experience this great, great truth and to never want for anything more than your Love.

The Painful Journey of Moving On

I have decided to (try my best to) accept, cope, move on, let go, trust God.  There's no point in turning back, looking to and dwelling on the past.

But why does it still hurt so much?
Why are there lingering feelings of affection, longing, and missing?
Why does it have to be this way?
Why does it suck so much?
How does someone ever really completely ever get over a breakup/separation?

Lord, I Offer My Life to You

All that I am, all that I have
I lay them down before You, oh Lord
All my regrets, all my acclaims
The joy and the pain, I'm making them Yours

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, and all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

Lord, I offer my life to You
Everything I've been through, use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You as a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

What can we give that You have not given?
And what do we have that is not already Yours?
All we possess are these lives we're living
That's what we give to You, Lord

A Faith Test

It's been a week and one day since the breakup.  I can't say I'm doing well but can't say I'm doing very badly either.  I'm somewhere in between, still grieving sorely.  I drove home to SF late Sunday night, arrived early yesterday morning.  Sam gave me a tattoo of a cross on my right wrist yesterday late afternoon.  I'm currently listening to a series of praise/worship songs by Don Moen on Youtube right now while reading Genesis, tears trickling down as I re-read the account of Abraham being tested by God.  He was asked to sacrifice the only son whom he loved very much as a burnt offering.  Wow, what an incredibly hard thing to be asked of by God..... In some ways, I feel God often asks of me to give up similar things.  First T, and now K.  But God, I'm not like Abraham who was a great man of faith (hence, his nickname "Father of Faith").  In fact, I have come to realize more than ever that I am a woman of very small faith, if any at times.  Unlike Abraham who readily obeyed and didn't ask questions when called upon by You to do something, I do not readily obey and I ask a bunch of questions.  I don't want to be that way, God.  Perhaps you know already, for You formed my heart and you know it.  You know that I desire to be like Abraham - full of faith and obedience.  So You are intervening and aiding me with Your mighty hand in order to bring my prayer request to become reality, even if that process must be extremely painful for me.  Perhaps that is the very thing You have been doing all along, teaching and growing me in my faith in You.

I re-read this devotional today that I first read last Friday night after coming home from GOC because I was still feeling very heartbroken and sad over K.

Hi, I’m Joni Eareckson Tada and do you know what’s in your heart?

That’s a question we need to ask ourselves often, because as scripture says, our hearts are deceitful. I mean, we’ll be thinking we’re doing okay; that we’re cool; we’re tight with the Lord, but in reality? It’s often a different story. Oh, if we could only see, if there were only some way we could truly know our hearts, especially as it concerns our heart-to-heart relationship with the Lord Jesus. Well, there is a way you can know the truth about what’s in your heart. And the clue is in Genesis chapter 22. It’s the story where Abraham is about to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on the altar. Just as Abraham raises his knife, God says, "Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. [For] now I know that you fear [Me,] because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

What an amazing story about Abraham and all that was in his heart, because with hands trembling, he was prepared to offer up his only son. But "Stop!" came the voice from heaven. But why would God say, "Now I know that you fear me?” I mean, the Lord already knew what was in Abraham's heart; He alone knows the hearts of all men. So if God knew the patriarch would pass the test long before Abraham reached for the knife, why put the old man through such a terrible ordeal? Well, the answer is simple: God did not lack information about Abraham, but Abraham probably lacked information about himself.

And this is why God tests our faith, because we are exactly the same as Abraham. God tests your faith, not so much that He might know what's in your heart, but that you might know. We say that we love God, that He’s first in our lives, that our marriages are centered around Him, and that we trust and obey Him. But we easily deceive ourselves unless that love for God is frequently put to the test. God wants us to know the actual, lived-out reality of our preferences for Him. He wants us to know how and to what extent our hearts are truly inclined toward Him. Not merely through words (it's easy to say words) but through the tough, demanding, gritty obedience of the day. God specializes in giving us such a hard test of faith, that it will force us to ask ourselves: Wow, do I love God? Am I really willing to follow Him through this terrible trial? Am I sure He knows what He’s doing? You see, a faith test reveals the true stuff of what’s inside our souls. When our faith goes through a serious test, we get to see, we get to really see, what’s in our hearts.

One of the dangers of the Christian life is that we too often imagine we are people of prayer and people who happily obey, but are we in fact? What we believe must be lived out in reality. So you will face many choices and opportunities today, to show God through your obedience that you do prefer Him. Trials are the best way, the only way, of putting our love for God to the test. Our faith then becomes real. 

Still alive and trekking along...

It's Friday, 4 days since the news from Monday night.  So far no tears today (grace!), and by that I mean none that rolled down my cheeks, because some did well up in my eyes.  Maybe the real test will be when I see him later tonight at GOC, not to mention other brothers and sisters who know us and care about us and might even ask me how we are doing.  Lord, make me strong... strong enough to face and handle.  I know your grace is sufficient.

Last night I wrote:

"Today after seeing the Chinese chiropractor, I tried to eat some lunch at a local Chinese supermarket.  Not so successful, loss my appetite quickly so I only ended up eating 1/5 of it and packed the remainder to go.  I ordered 雲吞麵 but after a few bites inadvertently thought about K, how he would really enjoy this because he loves food.  How I will miss cooking for him and bringing him food.  There was hot chili sauce on the table, which reminded me of him because he really likes spicy stuff.  The Chinese song playing in the background also brought him to mind because it was in Mandarin, and K speaks it so well, teaches in it all the time during CBS :'( .... I remember how sad I felt in that moment and even teared up sitting there at the dining tables, but now as I look back... I tell myself that even those sad moments have now become but memories, and tomorrow (Lord-willing) it will hopefully sting less and I would have moved forward just a little bit more... :') 

I was reflecting on how CBS went well last night 3/8/2017, it was totally God who granted grace and even supernatural joy to carry on, even interact with K.  When I saw him, I really didn't desire to be mean or cold or bitter... but I looked at him with loving eyes and a genuine desire to show kindness and compassion.  That is learned from my Savior.  Truly not of myself since I had just been weeping earlier, and everyone knows I am not one who is able to "fake it".  My goal was to make everything look seamless so that no one would be able to tell anything had even happened between us; I want to be a good testimony to God in that way.  I have personally experienced how the Spirit that indwells Christians equips us with a resiliency that sometimes we don't even know we possess until we are tempted and tried.  Though inwardly and privately, where people may not always see or know or understand, I am still battling intensely, crying on and off.  I am still heavily grieving.  Fighting the mind, feelings, flesh.  Sadness still looms above me.  I pray that the Lord will quickly remove feelings of affection from K, that I won't miss him and be so easily reminded of him by certain things/memories, that I would only see him as a brother and fellow worker in God's harvest field.  I pray that I would still have a heart of loving trust and worship of my Father, even if feebly..."

Lord, just as You enable to daily to move on from T, I have full confidence that You will do no less now as I move on from K and our relationship.  You know the difficulty I face because I have to see K all the time - at GOC, church, even work closely with him in CBS.  You know the tension I feel, of being tempted to give him a cold shoulder but at the same time wanting to set a godly example for the brethren around us who are watching.  God, my heart still grieves immensely, I feel "okay" one moment but crumble and cry the next.  I guess the breakup was not totally mutual, I didn't really want to break up but he left me no choice because he doesn't want to pursue me for marriage.  Perhaps I am naive (or could it be that I'm just a super committed person?), but I was willing to keep going and persevere until the end, because I firmly think that there is nothing that cannot be worked through with Christ.  Or maybe I just really really want to believe that...

God, I pray that I would keep turning to You and keep trusting in You, accepting from your Hand all that You give and take away.  The Enemy is actively battling for my mind right now, sometimes I feel like quitting too.  I wish I could detach my heart/emotions/feelings from myself and not feel so much.  I want to move on in a way that pleases God, I want to fight any bitterness in my heart and not even allow the slightest room for it to fester.  I want to trust in God's goodness and sovereignty and learn the lessons You are impressing upon me, and I know there are many, but I'm struggling.  I continue to pray for our ministry in CBS.  I desire to be God's faithful servant.  I am unsure as to how best interact with K in the future, what will or will not stumble me, and I want to do everything in my power to protect my fragile and already affected heart.  I do not want to let my sin, self, what happened between us to interfere with God's sacred work.

Lord, I know You see and know my heart, and You honor those who earnestly seek You in faith.  So have mercy on me today, have mercy on me.  I am crying out to You in desperation.  You are the One whom I am desperately clinging to.  Teach me the sufficiency of Christ.  Teach me what it means to place all my hope in You alone, teach me how to look to You for all comfort, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, love, acceptance, understanding, peace, provision.  I think I have learned well from the past relationship and breakup, but it's sad and disappointing times like these that You reveal to me where my heart still is and how much I still need to learn.  Help me God.  I do not want to look at myself, for that will cause me to greatly despair.  I look to You as the One who will help me change and grow, to become more sanctified and Christ-like.

Thank you, Lord!!!!!

Heartbroken... again

It's back to You and me, God

3/6/2017

Dear Satan, I hope you are reading this.  These days my heart is very very grieved, aching, vulnerable, broken, messy.  You might be cheering in delight at my messed-up state, for you think that I am weak and prone to attack, inclined to stumble and fall into sin by giving into my flesh... yes, it is true that I am in the aforementioned state... BUT I want you to know that I have a great Savior who so happens to be the commander of a great army of saints, of which I am a soldier.  And He is fighting for me; I need only be still.  We are all resilient troopers fighting on God's side.  We are loyal to our King and Master, and we will never - let me repeat - NEVER betray, deny, turn our backs on Him... no matter what!  Treason is not an option.  Not for this heart of mine, not for this body.  You can kill me, but you will never have possession of my heart.  I have long since given it to One who has vowed to never leave nor forsake me, He has promised to take care of me, to only give me the best no matter what happens.  He has loved me enough to give His own life, and continues to love me with a covenental agape that is unmatched.  I can find none other like Him in this world.  Though my flesh and my heart may fail, God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.  Though I am weak, He is strong.  Though I am incapable, He is mighty and able.  Even though I am sorely disappointed, wounded, let down by man once again, I know that I will be okay... because I have placed my trust in the Living God, the maker of Heaven and earth and every human being.  He is still sitting on His throne ruling over all.  Satan, you will not reign in my heart.  I will not listen to your lies, I will not accept your accusations, I will not believe your deceit.  I will not succumb to your temptations to sin.  You want to make me doubt God's character, His sovereign care for me, His wise and perfect plans for my life, you want me to harbor hatred and bitterness against K along with other brothers and sisters who have wounded me deeply in the past, you want me to wallow in self pity, to get lost and trapped in my own fluctuating emotions, to be burdened and weighed down by grief, anxiety, fear, depression, worry, anger, guilt, bitterness.  But I say no to all that.  NO!!!  And yes to Christ.  I will not listen to a single word you whisper into my ear, I will not let you plant a single seed into my head.  I will not believe what you tell me.  Rather, I believe in Jesus Christ.  He is the Son of God, who has shed his own blood for my sin, he paid the price for my iniquity so that I may live and be reconciled to God.  My citizenship and permanent residence shall be in Heaven, and I look forward to the day where I can finally be reunited with my Lord and Savior.  The blessed day when freed from sinning I shall see His lovely face, when my faith shall be made sight.  I know that I am dearly and deeply loved by God, and nothing can nor will ever change that.  But until then, I will daily fight the good fight.  I have counted the cost, I will take up my cross daily, deny myself, and follow Jesus.  

May Jesus Christ be praised always and forever!!!

"Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.  I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands." -Psalm 63:3-4