What hurts more than being rejected by the person you (used to) like? Being rejected AND being misunderstood and accused of something that was not your intention. That happened tonight. Not the first time. It hurt me that he sounded so bitter and vindictive over the phone. I could tell when his words come out that way, I could hear the anger and upset in his voice. It also made me uncomfortable how he's been acting a bit differently around me the past couple times I've seen him. Though I was hurt, the blow tonight was not as severely felt as times past (thankfully). My heart was wounded, but I didn't feel like it was bleeding this time. Maybe because God has grown me to be tougher and more resilient and less sensitive (which I normally am). Maybe because this isn't the first time I've felt hurt from his words and actions, maybe it's because I've already been disappointed so many times (not just in him but in sinful broken sinners in general), maybe because I've accepted that we all have sin and fall short of God's glory and are not perfect people. We always think better of ourselves than we really actually are. No one is good and sinless, no not one except Christ.
I was sad that he felt that I was blaming and accusing him during our talk from Saturday. It felt like he was accusing me of that. And I didn't even know he was upset and harboring ill-feelings towards me until we talked on the phone tonight after he so blatantly rushed away after dropping off the CBS flyers. (I was really hoping he could help me carry some groceries I had bought upstairs, like the four 2-liter bottles of soda pop and the huge watermelon that Omelia assigned me to bring on Friday. I don't normally like asking for help unless I really needed it, and so when I did but was "turned down" tonight, the rejection felt pretty horrible. I also had to make 3 trips to my car and it was dark outside.) I tried to explain myself, but he didn't seem convinced initially. I honestly wasn't trying to blame him or point fingers. In fact, all the time I blame myself or attribute fault to me rather than him because deep down, I'm always still defending him and thinking/believing the best about him. At least I try to. Because that's what love does: it believes the best about people. But he kept questioning me with, "Really? But you had said..." and insinuated that I was being confrontational and was expecting an apology from him. He kept adamantly holding onto his claim of me blaming and accusing him. When I brought up things like "You did apologize for your actions and thoughtlessness" (because he did! And I thought he was genuine), he said things like "Well, that was what you wanted to hear..." and even put words in my mouth. Things that, in fact, did not directly come out of my mouth. But somehow that's what he had perceived and read into. Was he right? No. But can I blame him for misreading/misunderstanding me? The flesh in me wants to say "yes", but the (humble?) part of me wants to say "no". At least not entirely. I believe that if I am a true Christian, then I should always strive to show grace and forgiveness and overlook so in this case, I should do that for him... right?
At the beginning of June I honestly did really feel like I was moving on from the breakup (by God's grace), but towards the end of June my heart relapsed. I take responsibility for not guarding it as tightly as I maybe should have, but is it wrong to also attribute responsibility to him for the ways he was interacting with me? Is that unfair? Is that called "blaming"? He was indeed really nice and kind, he seemed more relaxed and happy and energetic, even more so than when we were dating. He seemed interested in my life and what was going on in my life... There were certain times when I would wonder about his intentions because I genuinely did feel things and I was unsure about whether or not those feelings were mutual. I know I shouldn't have read into anything he did but I eventually did (?). I must have. Even though I warned myself over and over again not to. Can you blame me though? What's a girl to do if the guy she still liked, whom she didn't even want to break up with in the first place, was really nice and kind to her, and she saw him pretty frequently over a time period? Isn't it natural to think that maybe there was hope that he might be interested in pursuing something more than friends with her again?
Well I've learned the hard way, after getting burned again, that the answer still is NO. The door is still closed. That it is never a good idea to read into things. That one should never assume anything unless someone says it.
Lord, please please help me to move forward and to not look back. I'm trying to get with Your program and not dig my heels in the ground in rebellion. I don't want to be knocking or forcefully turning the doorknob of a door that You have already closed. Help me to accept. I truly do want to honor You and love You and obey You. I really do want to move on from this breakup and want my heart to be healed completely by You. You see my heart and You know what's going on inside of it. You see the pain, hurt, confusion, fear, sorrow. You know my deepest desires and You know what is best for me. I want to keep trusting in You and Your promises.
Lord, take away my longing or give me that for which I long. The LORD answered, "I must teach you to long for something better." - Elisabeth Elliot
