Fibrinogen Clot

That's basically the blood clot that forms when you cut or scrape yourself. Just the fancy biological name for it. Funny because I was just thinking about that today and then out of the blue, Helen (who's currently studying at Harvard! woot) calls me and told me that she's doing research on the "material properties of the fibrinogen clot" (uh something along those lines >.<). Oh and for your scientific fyi, fibrinogen is the precursor to thrombin, which is the actual stuff that helps you form the blood clot. Yay, I actually remember stuff from the killer Science classes at Berkeley! =)

So the reason why I was thinking about the fibrinogen clot today is because I don't think that is quite forming yet on the knuckles of my middle and ring finger of my right hand, which is currently Band-Aided up right now and somewhat soaked with blood =/ The story behind my injury goes like this: Yesterday I went running through Golden Gate Park while Sam was rollerblading. On our way home, we had to go down this somewhat steep hill. Sam was a little scared because he was on rollerblades, since he's not a pro yet at rollerblading, so he was holding onto me. Every time he made a sudden movement or jolt, it made me feel like I was gonna have a heart attack because I was so scared he was gonna fall down and get hurt, and also that I would fall down with him since he's holding onto me for dear life. Well, that's precisely what ended up happening. After stopping a while on that little hill to laugh about something, Sam lost his balance as he was grabbing onto me and he fell, causing me to fall to the floor as well onto him! But thank God Sam fell on his butt (which has cushion) so he was okay for the most part, but in the process of falling I think I somehow landed on my right hand (knuckles-side down) and before I knew it my middle and ring finger was oozing with dark red blood. It was gross because black wood-chippy stuff and particles got on the wound, yet an interesting spectacle with the abrasion and blood at the same time! (Yeah I know I'm weird >.<)

Note to self: don't go running with a 13-year old who's on rollerblades ever again.

Oh, back to the fibrinogen clot thing... yeah I don't think the clot is quite forming yet on my knuckles (or slow to forming) because it's still quite painful and bleeding even after 24 hours. I think this abrasion would take a while to heal because the injury is right on my knuckles, the part where fingers bend... unless I keep my finger extended and straight all the time with little or no movement, which is difficult and quite impossible because this is my writing hand! Haha I've been feeling quite incapacitated all day, even with such a minor injury: it's hard to hold a pen and write with just 2 fingers (thumb and index), it's hard to tie my hair and brush my teeth and open bottle caps, etc.

Today's already the last day of February! (one of my favorite months of the year) My, how time flies.

His Kindness Leads me to Repentance

Just wanted to give you guys a brief update on how I've been. As some of you might have already noticed the past couple weeks have been not so great for me. I've been feeling really really really angry lately: at people, at situations, and yeahh at God. It's like all of a sudden I've swallowed the "anger pill" or something and I'm mad at everything and everyone, pretty much mad at the entire world! But through it all God's been showing me how ugly I get when I'm mad: I have little tolerance and love for people, I'm snappy and moody, I use a lot of foul language and cuss words, I'm not humble, I take out my anger on innocent people, I feel like destroying things, I'm extreeeemely prideful and selfish... God's been teaching me a lot about my PRIDE.

Last week was my 23rd birthday. Wasn't a good or happy birthday or fun day at all. In addition, I also got really hurt and upset by my (earthly) father, which isn't the first time he's made me cry like I did. I felt like I just had enough of it and so I held a grudge against him for the past week and would not humble myself to talk to him or want to forgive him, despite my mom's constant reminder that he is my dad and I am his daughter. My dad was just one part of my source of frustration and madness. Anyway... long story short... I know and feel that something is wrong with me, that this kind of anger-attitude inside me has to stop (rage = sin and is not fruit of the Holy Spirit). It's weird... feels like I am going against God but I'm so rebellious and "daring" in a bad way that I keep on going. It's pretty scary too because I don't recall being "angry at God' for such a long time (how dare me!). But yeah, since I've been kinda mad at God I didn't really want to pray to Him or go to Him for help, even though I "know" that I should (head-knowledge). Guess my heart was just super hardened. But over this past week God has still been showing me a lot of His goodness and grace despite my rebellion and hardened heart and the many times I defamed Him when I opened my mouth. I am thankful to say that His kindness is leading me towards repentance. I've been sort of asking for a sincerely repentant heart and asked some friends to pray for a repentant heart since I felt I couldn't pray. Yesterday during the 1-hr bus ride to school I thought of each and every sin that I could think of this past week and truly confessed them to God, apologizing and asking Him for forgiveness. I haven't felt this need for confession and repentance in a while now, so it was good that it happened.. brought me back closer to my Heavenly Father. (A really cool thing is right when I finished my confessional prayer and still had my eyes closed, I felt the sun's yellow rays shine on my face through the windows for a few seconds! Hmmm a divine message?) I am also thankful to God that He has restored to me a heart of thanksgiving, because I realized that during the times that I've been really really angry I forgot to count my blessings and give thanks to God. It's been good to be able to give thanks once again. After all, God deserves it because He gives me so much good stuff!

Then yesterday at the busstop I thought about this. So for my birthday this year, I made 3 wishes to God:
1) that He would help me to be humble and get rid of the prideful areas in my life (God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble... I dont want to be opposed by God and I want God's grace!)
2) that He would continue to give me His LOVE and that I would know it in my heart instead of just my head (I don't want to be a "head knowledge" Christian, I want to believe and know and feel in my heart), also so that I can emulate this type of love to other people and love others like Jesus did
3) that I would be able to say "Thy Kingdom come!" in all situations because I want Jesus to rule, reign, and have authority over my life and I want all glory to go to God
But it occurred to me yesterday at the busstop that I have not been any of this. I've been not humble, not loving, not really saying "Your Kingdom Come" to God but rather "MY kingdom come!! ME ME ME!!". I don't mean to be attributing blame to Satan because I know it's mainly my own sinfulness and prideful self that's been in my way of being humble, loving, and able to say Thy Kingdom come... but I do believe that Satan is also active at work and he's probably really mad that I made those birthday wishes to God and was doing/will do anything he can to make sure that I don't succeed and keep running from God. And I do admit that I've fallen into his slippery traps the past weeks and failed in these three areas, especially the days after my birthday when I was super duper angry =( But I'm thankful for God's grace and forgiveness and believe that He still loves me and will help me. Will you guys please pray that I will continually repent of my sins with a pure heart, that I draw near to God now more than ever, that I embrace God's love and grace, and that I keep my eyes superglued on Him and not on myself?

So yeah... this is what I've been kind of going through the past two weeks or so. Thanks for reading this (sorry it wasn't brief). I want to say thank you for loving me. Thank you for praying for me.

P.S. I forgot to mention... good news: all by GOD's grace, I forgave my earthly daddy and spoke to him yesterday (he offered to pick me up from school and I accepted) Praise God we're sorta on "good terms" again =)

Best Movie Ever

SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION

As of today, I can say that that's one of the best movies I've ever seen, minus all the rated R stuff (high volume profanity, swearing and foul language, jail violence and killings). Such a good movie and awesome narration, what a satisfying redeeming ending. The best part was that my parents got to enjoy the movie too, which I'm thankful for.

"Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's right.

Just Stop It

hey everyone,

please stop wishing me happy birthday it's not my birthday. you had your chance a few days ago so if you didn't then oh well so please stop reminding me of one of the suckiest days ever plus the other sucky days that followed as well.

if you feel like it though or if you even care consider me a "friend" then maybe you can pray for me. i don't know what or how but um yeah ive just been really really REALLLLLLY mad and angry lately at pretty much EVERYONE and everything (yeah, even at Him) and it's been pretty ugly and i dont want to keep this up and blowing everything out of the water.

uggggghjhjhh im so freakkkkking maddddd.

Today I'm a Grouch :(

Almost all day today I was in a bad sad mad mood. Basically a continuation of yesterday. Awfully grouchy too. But no tears, phew. I'm learning more and more that when I'm sad, I tend to get really angry too... like REALLY REALLY angry in my heart, so angry that my thoughts can be quite scary when I start thinking of ways to take out this anger. Just shows me how evil and sinful I can be even in my thoughts. Really confirms that EVERYONE has the capacity to do evil. I really don't like being a grouch :( God help me. Save me.

Thankfully, right now as of 10:01pm I'm feeling a liiiiiittle better. Tonight I hangout with my "special" family (basically brothers and sisters from my Bible study small group in ICA). We went to the DeYoung Museum, went up to the 9th floor and saw a nice night view of the city, made silly Valentime cards for each other, took pictures, laughed a whole bunch, sang outloud on the streets to Justin Bieber and Backstreet Boys, went out to eat on Clement street. I actually felt happy during those 3 hours I was with them. Thanks God. I thank You for those 3 hours tonight and I thank You for Mike Moon Vicky Albert Jon and Robert.

I'm Sad

Started Tuesday afternoon this week. I realize that when I'm sad, it evolves into me being in a bad mood, which causes me to have low tolerance for people, which makes me get mad and snap at people more easily. Not to mention having a bigger tendency to cuss, too.

Anyway I was supposed to Skype with Nessie this evening but something came up and she had to reschedule. Pooey, I was actually looking forward to sharing with her what's been going on with me because I know she's someone I can trust and I know she's going to say something that will probably make me feel better. Before I signed off Skype, I looked to see who was on and surprised, I see Steph Lee on, who's currently in Beijing. I wasn't going to video-call her but then thought "why no" so I called... and she actually answered. For some weird reason it turned out to be her China mobile. I was wondering why I heard her voice but not saw her face. Then she told me it was her phone and I was like "Oh I don't want to waste your minutes" and then she was like "Oh no, it's free for me... I don't want to be wasting YOUR money! You might have to pay for this..." (Oh man, I really hope I don't have to pay for that long-distance call.) But in any case, it was nice hearing Steph's voice and talking for about 7 minutes. I miss Steph.

Sigh. Waiting for this "blues" to pass. I know this too shall pass.

Junk Food is Yummy

Well, some.

These days, I'm really digging Hot Cheeto Fries. DEELISHOUS! I finished a whole bag this week (over a span of a few days, mind you. Plus, I had some help from Sam :P) But warning: don't eat them with milk or else you (might) get a (mild) case of diarrhea. That's what happened to me. And my poo was kinda red from that Hot Cheeto powder... NASTY. (sorry for TMI! hahahaha)

And oh yeah, my favorite fast-food restaurant is currently Carl's Jr! I had it for the FIRST TIME last weekend while driving up and down to and from LA. Two of my Cal Poly CCF brothers - Kevin and Justin - introduced it to me. Twas pretty much love at first bite. (But the fries are just okay) Sad that there's no Carl's Jr in San Francisco.

I did go running three times this week so that should "cancel out" the junk foods and calories consumed this week.