Dear God,
I am writing here because I want to chronicle Your goodness and kindness to me today and not forget that, even despite my own weaknesses and sin and self-reliance and pride and shortcomings. You are so good to me, always. You are such a good God, high and majestic, yet You are never too far from the lowly (me). You are near always. You love me and have promised never to leave nor forsake me. You design custom, tailor-made trials that are fitting for Frances - just what I need. I want to keep trusting You, please grant me the faith to keep trusting in You.
I've been feeling very overwhelmed lately... by life, by trials at work...I don't really like being outpatient at TACRI and wish I got the ER internship, but alas You in your wisdom and sovereignty closed that door... I have an opportunity to go back to inpatient in 3SCCT, but not sure if that's the wisest and best plan in terms of the physical labor that will be required of me, how taxing it will be on my body, not ready to be re-injured, remembering the reasons why I left inpatient in the first place... yet at the same time not wanting to lose my clinical inpatient skills... I'm not sure what to do, and I was feeling stressed and anxious trying to make a decision in the last couple days on top of being sick with a bad cold and hacking cough... It was tough being sick the past week, it always is humbling when I get sick because I have to physically STOP what I'm doing to rest and take a break, but perhaps it was a blessing in disguise because You knew how hard I've been running (the past few weeks were really busy too, with ShepCon and the Women's Event, it was like one (good) thing after another, no break...). It was like You made me get sick so that I had to take time off from work to rest my body and focus on getting better. I felt pressured too because SM just merged with Wilshire last Monday and the clinic was finally "one practice" under one roof, and BEACON just became live so lots was happening at the clinic, plus there was a new travel nurse Q (whom they stuck with me and I wasn't given prior notice really). I was dying on Monday and Tuesday at work (my throat started hurting exactly one week ago, Sunday night) and was pretty much full blown sick come Tuesday and had to call out sick Wed and Thurs. And I felt bad because I had already used up all my SICA and it's only March! I wanted to save some for later on in the year when there was a "real" emergency and I needed sick time. But guess I'll have to trust that You'll provide and that I'll cross that bridge when I get there. Back to feeling overwhelmed... I've been feeling burnt out by GOC/ministry, constantly so many things going on, people to minister to, small group girls to follow up with, the girls I'm discipling whose souls I feel responsible for... then a new thing on my plate is the FOF Training Course and the weekly theological essay assignments and all the work/time/energy/effort I put in!!! Each week we have to complete an FOF assignment and essay. I find myself developing my theology as I go, but I feel that others in the class (those more advanced in years and perhaps more mature in the Christian faith, and maybe those in seminary) already got that down. I wonder if it's normal how I'm feeling and the struggles I'm going through, I find myself questioning "is what I'm feeling normal? is something wrong with me? how come I don't know how to articulate? Is it okay that I'm asking certain questions...?" I think being on my period while being sick has not helped the situation at all. My flesh was particularly weak and I was prone to breakdown. I started experiencing a lot of anxiety yesterday and this morning when I woke up. I felt paralyzed and felt myself breathing heavily and muscles getting tight and my mind was spinning and thinking a million thoughts and it was as if I couldn't think clearly. I think a source of my anxiety was having to stand in front of class to teach kenosis theory next Sunday, knowing that I would face criticism. I wanted to do it excellently. I think I set very high standards (of excellence) for myself and often times I notice that they are not even biblical. I'm just very hard on myself and have high expectations. And when I can't meet them I'm very harsh and self-condemning. O Lord, have mercy on this pitiful soul! Help me to change in my thinking! I was feeling very anxious last night but talking with Omelia on the phone for 1.5 hours and her speaking truth and love to me helped calm my soul down. She prayed for me. I was able to get out of bed, eat dinner, and go to sleep, determined I would wake up tomorrow to go to church to worship the Lord despite not wanting to earlier because I felt like I looked like cr@p and didn't want people to see my face because I felt embarrassed. This morning when I awoke there was anxiety in my heart and I started breathing heavily again and my heart racing. The looming thought of the FOF training course, having to teach next week, having to go to work tomorrow, how am I even going to get through the week let alone this day!... all these thoughts overwhelmed me. By Your grace I was able to drive myself to church, but my heart couldn't worship. I walked like a zombie trying to avoid faces, thankfully I could hide behind my sunglasses. Got to service 10 min late, conveniently sat outside in the sun, but felt restless and like I couldn't get my heart to be in the service and I couldn't worship, walked back to the parking lot, saw brother A on duty and was actually kind of ashamed/embarrassed since I looked awful but at the same time legit wondering if I should go talk to him and seek him for counsel/help (looking back, so thankful I didn't do that! It would have probably been weird and maybe caught him off guard, plus he was on duty working!), sat on the floor by my car in the parking lot, called Helen but no answer, then called Joy who thankfully came and sat with me. We sat for a while and I shared briefly but I didn't want to unload too much on her, I know she's going through her own trial with her grandma passing away. Big church ended and it was time to man our tables at the STM fair. Joy and I both had shed tears but we decided we would go and serve because it's not about us. I get a text from Seichi thanking me for wishing him happy birthday. I call him and ask him if I could meet him to give him his birthday card. We unexpectedly talk for a long time; I share with him about my anxiety and struggles and he listened very patiently and sincerely. We sat all throughout second service (he missed big church, I missed FOF training class - both unplanned) so we were together for 1.5 hours. Seichi asked me questions based on what I shared, he shared the Word with me, encouraging truth reminders, he prayed for me, he encouraged me to pray outloud, it was hard at first because I didn't know what words to say, but I opened my mouth uneloquently and sobbed and wept unhindered, tears streaming down my face and snot dripping down my nose (it was gross and ugly!) but I was thankful for Seichi being there and his gentleness as if he was agreeing/encouraging my prayers, and I just felt comfort, and I'm glad to pray outloud broken as I was but with sincerity and contriteness of heart crying out to Abba Father for His divine help and saving, because only He can help and save me! After that, Seichi said he and Marlon would be delivering a meal to a GraceLife family who just had a baby in Castaic, and I boldly asked if I could join them. I really wanted fellowship (mainly to be near Seichi since he gave me so much comfort and I didn't feel judged by this kind brother) and I didn't want to be alone and I didn't really want to be with USC GOC people. Thankfully he consented and said I could come along. Then I asked him to walk me to my FOF Training class and he kindly came along with me, offering to hold my heavy bag. When I got there, class was still in session even though it was already past 12:00. A few classmates greeted me and made eye contact, told me (and texted me later) that they missed me and wondered if I was okay, like Lisa/Stanley, Gus, Leah, Amanda, Ruth... they were all so kind, I'm so touched by their kindness! Mrs. Amandus came out and hugged me, she said she could tell something was wrong. I asked if I could talk to her and Mr. Amandus later and she said yes. When I approached Mr. Amandus after class let out, the first thing he did was give me a hug! My heart was so touched, he is so kind, a loving father/grandpa/shepherd indeed! And he's on the elder board! I sat down with them and told them all I was feeling - overwhelmed, struggling, how I love this class and am learning a lot but the essays are very challenging and I'm developing my theology, the struggle of balancing work/ministry/life/class, my own struggles with pride/sin/self-reliance, I'm constantly questioning my motives and wonder if they're impure and if I truly do the things I do (including my pursuit of missions) because I love God, or is it for me or some other non-God reason...? And they just encouraged and comforted me and affirmed that my heart is in the right place and counseled that maybe I need to take a step back, my plate is so full, I need to recharge and refresh and maybe retreat... that they are willing to walk alongside me and to help me and want me to succeed and want me to go through this class (should I wish to, and of course I want to continue!) without pressure. They were so kind and supportive; I'm so thankful and relieved! Also they postponed the teaching so I don't have to do that next week. Then they prayed for me. I'm so thankful for the Amanduses, Lord. Thank You for bringing them into my life.
After that, I got to fellowship and have lunch with Seichi, Marlon, and Joshua Wu. Marlon generously treated us to House of Grill (Philipino food) to celebrate Seichi's birthday, and he treated us all to halo-halo (me and Seichi's first time). We went around the table sharing thanksgivings, mostly Seichi. It was encouraging and a balm to my soul to fellowship with my brothers and hear them share of Your goodness and faithfulness, hear them talk about You. Then we picked up Aires, a non-Christian guy who Seichi and Marlon have been reaching out to who hasn't been coming to church and is (self-admitting) practicing sin. We drove to Castaic, picked up El Pollo Loco, dropped it off for Rodrigo Avila's family, providentially Jacon and Ms. Ang live next door and I got to fellowship with them! Shared about my anxiety episodes and struggles, Ms. Ang shared her experience with anxiety and how God delivered her and how biblical counseling helped tremendously, then Jacon and Ms Ang both prayed for/over me (I love the Spensts so much, Lord! This blessing of a family from Canada! Thank you for them in my life too) and Ms, Ang took me on a drive to see an overview of Lake Castaic. It was GORGEOUS! The sight was mesmerizing and sooooo beautiful for the eyes to see. I couldn't stop staring, the green pasture and the mountains and the still tranquil water and the clear blue sky. It was so very beautiful! It was therapeutic for my soul. I really enjoyed the drive up the mountain and around the little town of Castaic. I'd like to move there someday maybe; it's a great and safe neighborhood to raise children, quiet and peaceful. Simple and not busy like LA the city. On the drive back to GCC, got to converse and fellowship more with Seichi and Marlon. Got to share how good God was to me, how it was so encouraging to talk with the Spensts, how providential. Also tried to include Aires in the conversation and asked him how his heart was doing. He openly confessed that he doesn't believe God or not close to Him because He still practices sin, and I got to share about what I learned from Lies Women Believe and the Truth that Sets Them Free, how at the root of every sin is a lie we're believing. Shared with him Galatians 5 about walking with the Spirit and not gratifying the desires of the flesh. Got to share with him the God, Man, Christ, Sinner Gospel tract to, leaving him ultimately with a response/decision that is required of him, that he will face judgment based on what he decides, and that we don't want him to be an object of God's wrath, urging him to repent. Lord, I pray that Your words could penetrate his unregenerate heart and cause him to repent. I pray, if it is Your will, that You would extend Your mercy and grace to him and save him, make him Your child. Save him from the darkness and his sins of which he is a slave to. May he experience the freedom and joy we have in Christ. Continue to use faithful loving brothers like Seichi and Marlon to minister to him.
God, my heart is so full of thanksgiving and I can only make utterances of praise and thanksgiving to You! You have restored the joy of my salvation, the sanity of my mind, peace to my heart and calmness to my soul. I am no longer fearful nor anxious, overwhelmed nor stressed. I got home not too long ago from a long eventful day, a little physically tired, but my the yoke I carry is easy and the burden light, because they are that of Jesus's. I'm very very very thankful for YOU, O GOD. MY GOD. For never letting go of me, for promising to never leave me or forsake me. Thank you for not leaving me in my despair, which Satan would want me to be. I DO have hope in Christ. In YOU is ALL MY HOPE. I can trust You. YOU ARE worthy of all my trust, You are SO trustworthy! When have you ever failed me or let me down? Never. You WILL work all things out for my good and your glory (Romans 8:28), even if I don't see how or when. You promised, and You always keep your word because You are FAITHFUL. Faithful until the end. I am trusting You one hour at a time for Your grace, leaning HEAVILY on You. That is how desperate I have become. I need Thee every hour, every hour I need Thee. O bless me now my Savior, I come to Thee.
I love you, O Lord My God. I am Your servant. Have your way in me, now, today, forever and always.
