Yeah I think that was one of the big highlights of my day. Today was yet again long, tired, busy. But in the end all that was needed to be done was done for the most part, all by God's grace.
Sam graduated from middle school today -- he played in the orchestra AND sang in choir AND was a graduation speaker. Way to go, overachieving little bro. I was the family cameraman who recorded stuff and took pics. There were a couple times during the ceremony where I felt so emotional and wanted to tear up. I literally watched my cutie-pie baby brother grow up before my eyes... and now he's 14, finishing middle school, and about to start a new chapter of his life as he tackles through the next 4 years of a jungle called HIGH SCHOOL. After family lunch celebration at our old time favorite Our Court's Cafe on Clement St, I went to CCSF (my last day) for a recital in my keyboard harmony class. Then afterwards I had to rush back to Sam's school via bus (cuz I dont got my own car yet but that might change in a month or two) to drop off my camera so he could take pics at his 8th grade dinner dance.
Finally when all my obligations of the day were fulfilled, I spontaneously hopped on the 38 Geary bus and eventually ended up at Ocean Beach. It was super windy and cold at the beach, but at the same time it was also clear and lovely with blue skies and sunshine :) I wanted to watch the sunset.
It was at the beach that I met with my Lover. There I sang Him praises while listening to mp3 player and prayed outloud to Him for a long time. There's been lots on my mind these days, but now was alone time with my Lover. I also prayed a long time for someone whom I don't know yet, but will soon enter my life in God's perfect timing :)
Didn't quite get to see the sunset. I was getting super cold (I had dressed relatively light because it was more warm and sunny early in the day during graduation) and my parents wanted me home soon (dad told mom about this girl in Oakland who got shot the other day riding her bike or something. Gee thanks for the 411, dad -___-) So I went home.
But the alone time at the beach with God was good. Try it sometime :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
It's Finished.
I'm finally done, at least for this semester. Had my last final exam this morning and I just emailed my last assignment to my professor. WOOOEY -- my brain is DEEP-FRIED and I'm quite exhausted, not just from school but everything else too. But now I can finally (physically) rest. Thanks for all the prayers everyone! I know many of you have been praying for me these past few days and I do appreciate you all deeply from my heart!
♥ And now I'm going to run off with my Lover and talk to Him ~ thank Him, confide in Him, sing praises to Him, read His sweet words... ♥
And then it's gonna be nappy-time :] I think I only slept like 2.5 hours last night...
(-.-)Zzzzz
God is so good.
♥ And now I'm going to run off with my Lover and talk to Him ~ thank Him, confide in Him, sing praises to Him, read His sweet words... ♥
And then it's gonna be nappy-time :] I think I only slept like 2.5 hours last night...
(-.-)Zzzzz
God is so good.
Monday, May 23, 2011
They Are Home.
Can't say I'm totally relieved though. It's been a stressful evening, especially the past few hours waiting for them to call me because I had no idea when they were landing. Their flight got cancelled? switched? delayed? I don't even know... called the airline company and they told me that the flight should have landed this afternoon at 4pm. I was like wtheck??? Ugh.. where are they? Why didn't they call.. But whatevers... important thing is that now they are home, safe and sound. Thank God.
In the meantime, I started to develop a slight throbbing headache, probably due to all this pent-up stress that's accumulated, not to mention the mega rush from taking 2 exams today and the lack of sleep last night. To make things worse, Sam literally sneezed like 78 times tonight (and counting) ever since he came back from school. Said his orchestra stand partner got him sick. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel sickly/sneezy myself. Really hope I don't get sick right now -- 8:00am final tomorrow morning!!
After hugging my mom and exchanging a few words with her, I told her I'll talk to her more tomorrow. There's much that I want to say and tell her - esp about everything that's been going on the past 2 weeks - but I purposely left it at just a few words. I knew that if I said anything more, I would end up tearing up and that would make my mom feel really bad, and I don't want that. I know I must be careful with my words and bite my tongue and not say things rashly or out of impulse or emotion or even end up getting mad and taking my frustrations out on mom. She's my beloved 媽媽! God, please give me wisdom, discernment, humility and help me to love and respect 媽媽, especially when I catch up with her tomorrow/during the week. But for now, back to studying for Physiology...
GAHHH MY BRAIN IS SOOOOOO FRIED!!! "@__%"
In the meantime, I started to develop a slight throbbing headache, probably due to all this pent-up stress that's accumulated, not to mention the mega rush from taking 2 exams today and the lack of sleep last night. To make things worse, Sam literally sneezed like 78 times tonight (and counting) ever since he came back from school. Said his orchestra stand partner got him sick. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel sickly/sneezy myself. Really hope I don't get sick right now -- 8:00am final tomorrow morning!!
After hugging my mom and exchanging a few words with her, I told her I'll talk to her more tomorrow. There's much that I want to say and tell her - esp about everything that's been going on the past 2 weeks - but I purposely left it at just a few words. I knew that if I said anything more, I would end up tearing up and that would make my mom feel really bad, and I don't want that. I know I must be careful with my words and bite my tongue and not say things rashly or out of impulse or emotion or even end up getting mad and taking my frustrations out on mom. She's my beloved 媽媽! God, please give me wisdom, discernment, humility and help me to love and respect 媽媽, especially when I catch up with her tomorrow/during the week. But for now, back to studying for Physiology...
GAHHH MY BRAIN IS SOOOOOO FRIED!!! "@__%"
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Last Night of Parentless
The past two weeks have been far from easy for me. When my parents first told me a couple months back that they were going to be gone for 2 weeks in May and it would just be me and Sam in the house, I was all excited and celebrating and "Whoohoo-ing", thinking that this freedom/independence would be quite enjoyable and that taking care of Sam would be a piece of cake. After all, I have been such a good and responsible and capable big sister to Sam for the past 14 years (and still am), I pridefully thought outloud to myself and to my parents. And so I reassured my folks that everything will be a-okay and that I'll have everything under control and that they have nothing to worry about... Boy was I wrong.
Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.
For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.
I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.
Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!
I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.
I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!
God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.
Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)
Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.
For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.
I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.
Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!
I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.
I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!
God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.
Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
When “Doing Good” Isn’t Really “Doing Good.”
Really awesome read on LOVE (no not the romantic type per se... more like on loving God and loving others). Taken from Donald Miller's blog. Check it out.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/
http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/
Psalm 23 - Rewritten
God is my Perfect Lover and Provider, I shall not desire love from people
He makes me lie down in peace and quiet, in deep solitude and serenity
He restores my tired, crazy, mad, anxious, disquieted soul
He guides me to do the right things because He is holy
Even though this is sucky right now and I'm feeling a mix of emotions that fluctuate like crazy and I'm so distracted,
I won't be afraid. Thank God You're with me. Your word and Your promises and love comfort me.
You give me opportunities to reconcile and resolve conflicts with those whom I struggle to get along with, love, and forgive
You always give me the best, my life overflows with Your blessings
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And forever I will be with You, my Lord and my God
He makes me lie down in peace and quiet, in deep solitude and serenity
He restores my tired, crazy, mad, anxious, disquieted soul
He guides me to do the right things because He is holy
Even though this is sucky right now and I'm feeling a mix of emotions that fluctuate like crazy and I'm so distracted,
I won't be afraid. Thank God You're with me. Your word and Your promises and love comfort me.
You give me opportunities to reconcile and resolve conflicts with those whom I struggle to get along with, love, and forgive
You always give me the best, my life overflows with Your blessings
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And forever I will be with You, my Lord and my God
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Day 6 of Parentless
Woke up around 9am this morning, even though I think I went to bed really late last night, like close to 4am I think! I don't even remember what time. But I stayed up watching LOTR: The Two Towers (extended DVD version). Just finished Disc 1, half-way there. I've been meaning to watch that after watching LOTR: The Fellowship of the Rings. Plus, I really wanted to get my mind off something so I figured a good movie would help...
I guess I'm sorta tired but I'm okay. Did Bible study with Sam before he took off to meet his friends at Beach Chalet. Such a busy 8th grader, that boy. Yesterday he just came back from his 8th grade class trip to Six Flags Marine World, and today he's going to his friend's bday party at Great America and not coming back till late. But I'm kinda glad that there's so much going on for him. I want him to have fun and enjoy his last days of middle school. But yeah... was super glad to have the chance to study God's Word with him this morning through examining Apostle Peter and his character. (Last night I attended my friends' fellowship in Chinatown and we did a character study on Peter through difference passages of the Bible. I thought it was a very good study so I wanted to share that with Sam.)
Heading out to Berkeley later this afternoon. Gonna catch up with some people so pretty looking forward to that, and then I'll be sleeping over in Emeryville at Vicky's with Moon (wish Michelle was there!!!). Girls' night = fun fun fun! :D
Was listening to this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story (a few of my friends posted stuff on their fb so I decided to check it out). Hearing the story behind her song, I was touched by this quote:
"Could God possibly be blessing us through NOT giving us the things we are praying for?"
Was chatting with a friend online on the topic of surrender. He shared:
Well, whatever that's going to happen... I know that I am blessed.
I guess I'm sorta tired but I'm okay. Did Bible study with Sam before he took off to meet his friends at Beach Chalet. Such a busy 8th grader, that boy. Yesterday he just came back from his 8th grade class trip to Six Flags Marine World, and today he's going to his friend's bday party at Great America and not coming back till late. But I'm kinda glad that there's so much going on for him. I want him to have fun and enjoy his last days of middle school. But yeah... was super glad to have the chance to study God's Word with him this morning through examining Apostle Peter and his character. (Last night I attended my friends' fellowship in Chinatown and we did a character study on Peter through difference passages of the Bible. I thought it was a very good study so I wanted to share that with Sam.)
Heading out to Berkeley later this afternoon. Gonna catch up with some people so pretty looking forward to that, and then I'll be sleeping over in Emeryville at Vicky's with Moon (wish Michelle was there!!!). Girls' night = fun fun fun! :D
Was listening to this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story (a few of my friends posted stuff on their fb so I decided to check it out). Hearing the story behind her song, I was touched by this quote:
"Could God possibly be blessing us through NOT giving us the things we are praying for?"
Was chatting with a friend online on the topic of surrender. He shared:
just fyi
if you ever get to the point where it is clear that you're not going to get it
either in a specific instance or overall
then if you've been preparing your heart for that
there's a certain quiet satisfaction at least
in that peace
Well, whatever that's going to happen... I know that I am blessed.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Day 4 and 5 of Parentless
So Day 4 is meshed with Day 5 (today) of being parentless because Blogger wouldn't allow me to make a blog post yesterday -____- (some maintenance thing going on)
But all I pretty much wanted to say about Day 4 (yesterday) was that I'm feeling SUPER DUPER tiiiiired. Exhausted. Mostly physically but I think mentally spent as well. 'Tis just been a long week and there was sorta a lot of stuff happening and things I had to do. Make payments online, make phone calls (sometimes it seems like my home phone won't stop ringing!!! ugh so annoying), run to the bank, run errands for parents, make sure the house is kept tidy and clean, attend Sam's concert, wake up to make him breakfast and lunch and prepare dinner at night, wash up the pots and dishes and utensils after (well I try to get Sam to help out too), go to my own classes, study for exams (of which I had 2 this week and 2 more next week), run experiment for final Physio project, catch up with people, practice piano for final recital, stop by Sam's school because he forgot something @___@, worry about him when it was dark and he still wasn't home yet... But yeahhh, I haven't felt this tired in a long time now. So pooped out.
I think I'm even sliiightly stressed and on the brink of getting sick. My back is stiff and feeling a bit headachy. But despite all of this, I need to make time for GOD and put Him as #1 ("it's all about the will"). And I need to REST in His Spirit.
I'm gonna do devotion now... and then take a nap. Be back later.
5:10
Wow, what an unrestful nap -_____- It took me a long time to fall asleep for some odd reason (I actually don't even remember if I even slept). And I kept feeling cold, until the moment I decided to get out of bed. I dislike the feeling of coldness. Sigh, might be feeling cold because I didn't really eat lunch. So I warmed up some rice and vegetables. Great... now I need to wash a full sink-load of pots and dishes. Did I mention that today is Friday the 13th? (not that that has any bearing on the outcome of events of today or anything, since I don't believe in superstition...)
Ahhhh I feel so off right now! @__________@
But all I pretty much wanted to say about Day 4 (yesterday) was that I'm feeling SUPER DUPER tiiiiired. Exhausted. Mostly physically but I think mentally spent as well. 'Tis just been a long week and there was sorta a lot of stuff happening and things I had to do. Make payments online, make phone calls (sometimes it seems like my home phone won't stop ringing!!! ugh so annoying), run to the bank, run errands for parents, make sure the house is kept tidy and clean, attend Sam's concert, wake up to make him breakfast and lunch and prepare dinner at night, wash up the pots and dishes and utensils after (well I try to get Sam to help out too), go to my own classes, study for exams (of which I had 2 this week and 2 more next week), run experiment for final Physio project, catch up with people, practice piano for final recital, stop by Sam's school because he forgot something @___@, worry about him when it was dark and he still wasn't home yet... But yeahhh, I haven't felt this tired in a long time now. So pooped out.
I think I'm even sliiightly stressed and on the brink of getting sick. My back is stiff and feeling a bit headachy. But despite all of this, I need to make time for GOD and put Him as #1 ("it's all about the will"). And I need to REST in His Spirit.
I'm gonna do devotion now... and then take a nap. Be back later.
5:10
Wow, what an unrestful nap -_____- It took me a long time to fall asleep for some odd reason (I actually don't even remember if I even slept). And I kept feeling cold, until the moment I decided to get out of bed. I dislike the feeling of coldness. Sigh, might be feeling cold because I didn't really eat lunch. So I warmed up some rice and vegetables. Great... now I need to wash a full sink-load of pots and dishes. Did I mention that today is Friday the 13th? (not that that has any bearing on the outcome of events of today or anything, since I don't believe in superstition...)
Ahhhh I feel so off right now! @__________@
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Day 3 of Parentless
woke up 7:15am (yes! ptl). prayed and recited Psalm 23 in bed before i got up. made sure Sam had breakfast. fixed him lunch. now im reviewing bank statements and making payments online... kinda headachy.
wow life of a "grown-up".
looks sad and gray and gloomy outside... we'll see how the day unfolds.
wow life of a "grown-up".
looks sad and gray and gloomy outside... we'll see how the day unfolds.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Day 2 of Parentless
wow God, I'm such a lousy sisterMOM =(
this morning I totally overslept (again) and woke up at 8:00am. as a consequence, Sam had no breakfast, no lunch, plus he was gonna be late for his 0° choir class. i jumped outta bed and was gonna drive Sam to school, remembering that daddy's car was parked in our garage... but only to discover that another car was blocking our driveway! so Sam ended up taking the bus and was all flustered and mad at me, threatening to tell Mom about everything =/ i gave him $3 for lunch (yeahh lunch is relatively cheap(er) for middle schoolers), wrote a note to his teacher and prayed to God that he would not be terribly late for choir (another tardy and he will not be able to graduate, he claims!) as Sam scrambled out the door.
the whole day at school was sorta blahhh for me too. i was like the girl with a broken smile. just feeling pretty out of it and not cheerful or chirpy. just feeling blahhhh and sighing a lot. except during Quiet Times/journaling in the library. ahh that was when my mind was FINALLY at peace and rest -- because I was with the Lord. because I drew near to Him and called on Him earnestly, desperately. i asked for Him to save me because i felt sooooo tired from this "current struggle". i meditated on Psalm 23 yet again today and even rewrote it using my own words in light of the current situation I'm in and what I've been feeling.
couldn't really concentrate that much the rest of the day. i whizzed through chemistry hw, only cuz it was gonna be due in like an hour.. not really paying attention to how to draw certain molecules and make particular reactions because my heart just wasn't into it. prolly big mistake since my last midterm for chem is this thursday.. oh wellz. kinda struggled to pay attention in class too. kept zoning out on my profs =/ (WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??!! I DONT WANNA BE A BAD STUDENT!!) keep getting distracted... which really sucks...
i breathed a huge sigh (of relief) as class finally ended for the day at 3:30pm. on the bus ride home i get a call from someone who i havent spoken to in a loooong time. i was actually feeling a little anxious about our conversation all morning and had to bring it to the Lord in prayer a few times. told that person i was on the bus and would call when i got home. we ended up talking for ~1.5 hours. twas good. hard at certain points but good. praise the LORD. im glad we talked, i had been meaning to have this conversation for weeks now. *huge sigh of relief*
then i went to Sam's last orchestra concert of his middle school career at 7pm. (when his little buddies saw me, they were like "HI SAM'S SISTER!!!" haha cute) then we bussed home, i fixed him dinner as he took a shower (Burmese coconut chicken noodles, again), watched some videos together on Youtube, and now it's bedtime for both of us.
better day tomorrow please, God. please please make me into a better big sister. and please give my soul rest so i won't think so much about you-know-what. without You, i just fail miserably. thanks.
this morning I totally overslept (again) and woke up at 8:00am. as a consequence, Sam had no breakfast, no lunch, plus he was gonna be late for his 0° choir class. i jumped outta bed and was gonna drive Sam to school, remembering that daddy's car was parked in our garage... but only to discover that another car was blocking our driveway! so Sam ended up taking the bus and was all flustered and mad at me, threatening to tell Mom about everything =/ i gave him $3 for lunch (yeahh lunch is relatively cheap(er) for middle schoolers), wrote a note to his teacher and prayed to God that he would not be terribly late for choir (another tardy and he will not be able to graduate, he claims!) as Sam scrambled out the door.
the whole day at school was sorta blahhh for me too. i was like the girl with a broken smile. just feeling pretty out of it and not cheerful or chirpy. just feeling blahhhh and sighing a lot. except during Quiet Times/journaling in the library. ahh that was when my mind was FINALLY at peace and rest -- because I was with the Lord. because I drew near to Him and called on Him earnestly, desperately. i asked for Him to save me because i felt sooooo tired from this "current struggle". i meditated on Psalm 23 yet again today and even rewrote it using my own words in light of the current situation I'm in and what I've been feeling.
couldn't really concentrate that much the rest of the day. i whizzed through chemistry hw, only cuz it was gonna be due in like an hour.. not really paying attention to how to draw certain molecules and make particular reactions because my heart just wasn't into it. prolly big mistake since my last midterm for chem is this thursday.. oh wellz. kinda struggled to pay attention in class too. kept zoning out on my profs =/ (WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??!! I DONT WANNA BE A BAD STUDENT!!) keep getting distracted... which really sucks...
i breathed a huge sigh (of relief) as class finally ended for the day at 3:30pm. on the bus ride home i get a call from someone who i havent spoken to in a loooong time. i was actually feeling a little anxious about our conversation all morning and had to bring it to the Lord in prayer a few times. told that person i was on the bus and would call when i got home. we ended up talking for ~1.5 hours. twas good. hard at certain points but good. praise the LORD. im glad we talked, i had been meaning to have this conversation for weeks now. *huge sigh of relief*
then i went to Sam's last orchestra concert of his middle school career at 7pm. (when his little buddies saw me, they were like "HI SAM'S SISTER!!!" haha cute) then we bussed home, i fixed him dinner as he took a shower (Burmese coconut chicken noodles, again), watched some videos together on Youtube, and now it's bedtime for both of us.
better day tomorrow please, God. please please make me into a better big sister. and please give my soul rest so i won't think so much about you-know-what. without You, i just fail miserably. thanks.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Day 1 of Parentless
Good Morning God. The next two weeks I think I'm going to try to retreat with You.
Wow the sun is shining so brightly outside my window. I love it. TYG.
Last night we set our alarm clock to get up at 6:30am this morning. I was kinda bad.. couldn't wake up and get out of bed until ~1 hr after =/ Consequentially, Sam got up and made his own lunch. Sam's such a good boy, I'm so proud of him. Need to be a better sisterMOM tomorrow and the rest of the 2 weeks. Earlier bedtime tonight. I've been thinking about so many things lately -- blows my mind!
Wow the sun is shining so brightly outside my window. I love it. TYG.
Last night we set our alarm clock to get up at 6:30am this morning. I was kinda bad.. couldn't wake up and get out of bed until ~1 hr after =/ Consequentially, Sam got up and made his own lunch. Sam's such a good boy, I'm so proud of him. Need to be a better sisterMOM tomorrow and the rest of the 2 weeks. Earlier bedtime tonight. I've been thinking about so many things lately -- blows my mind!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
one thing i ABSOLUTELY HATE: when my parents fight. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. and hate is a strong word that i rarely use. but i do HATE IT when they argue intensely.
sorry for all the ranting and complaining but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
parents' issues + my own current struggles = UGH right now
ive gotta 390AWURHJAEO04RHJFDUE899FR00DA in my heart. kinda like i want to EXPLODE. pissed off. disappointed. sorry. feeling bad for a lousy attitude and sharp, haughty, prideful tone of voice. scared. sad. nervous. butterflies in stomach. tired. worn out. sometimes i reaaally just wanna SCREEEEAM or RUNNN or PUNCHHH AND BREAKKK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey God, what are You trying to teach me through all this? what are You saying?
super looking forward to serenity the next 2 weeks. just me + Sam.
5/9 - 5/23.
God even though things are semi sucky right now, please give me the faith so that my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your Name
sorry for all the ranting and complaining but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
parents' issues + my own current struggles = UGH right now
ive gotta 390AWURHJAEO04RHJFDUE899FR00DA in my heart. kinda like i want to EXPLODE. pissed off. disappointed. sorry. feeling bad for a lousy attitude and sharp, haughty, prideful tone of voice. scared. sad. nervous. butterflies in stomach. tired. worn out. sometimes i reaaally just wanna SCREEEEAM or RUNNN or PUNCHHH AND BREAKKK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!
hey God, what are You trying to teach me through all this? what are You saying?
super looking forward to serenity the next 2 weeks. just me + Sam.
5/9 - 5/23.
God even though things are semi sucky right now, please give me the faith so that my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your Name
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Thank You God for encouraging me tonight at Living Word Fellowship via something Dorian said. To my surprise, he had kept something I gave him as encouragement years ago before he left for Marine Corps training. Tonight as we were going around sharing updates and struggles and how we were doing, he flipped open his Bible and shared the Bible verse I had written.
He read outloud this verse to Douglas (a younger brother who's currently struggling through some stuff) from Jeremiah 29:11-14 -- 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD.
I was moved to tears. I was also really touched when he volunteered to pray for me after I shared. [Arghhh, my eyes have been wet all week] I'm really thankful for the presence of caring (big) brothers (and sisters) in my life.
Stopped by Jack in the Box on my drive home tonight because I was getting a cramp from not having eaten much during dinner. What can I say... didn't really have appetite again. But the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and curly fries hit the spot, though I felt kinda lightheaded immediately after consumption.
Nothing like driving 75mph on the freeway on a Friday night. Love it. Wish I could do it more often and for longer period of time. I really like driving. I should become a driver.
He read outloud this verse to Douglas (a younger brother who's currently struggling through some stuff) from Jeremiah 29:11-14 -- 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD.
I was moved to tears. I was also really touched when he volunteered to pray for me after I shared. [Arghhh, my eyes have been wet all week] I'm really thankful for the presence of caring (big) brothers (and sisters) in my life.
Stopped by Jack in the Box on my drive home tonight because I was getting a cramp from not having eaten much during dinner. What can I say... didn't really have appetite again. But the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and curly fries hit the spot, though I felt kinda lightheaded immediately after consumption.
Nothing like driving 75mph on the freeway on a Friday night. Love it. Wish I could do it more often and for longer period of time. I really like driving. I should become a driver.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Read this quote off someone's blog today:
"Never make someone your priority when they only make you an option."
=/ I don't really know how to decipher this quote. Because I'm asking how do you know if someone sees you as an option rather than a priority?
Mmph, I'm guessing this quote is probably in the context of love and romance (I could be wrong)... but whatever it is I'm glad that Jesus always makes us His #1 priority and so that's why it's always safe and the best way to make Him our priority as well. In so doing we will never get hurt or lose. It's a win-win situation.
"Never make someone your priority when they only make you an option."
=/ I don't really know how to decipher this quote. Because I'm asking how do you know if someone sees you as an option rather than a priority?
Mmph, I'm guessing this quote is probably in the context of love and romance (I could be wrong)... but whatever it is I'm glad that Jesus always makes us His #1 priority and so that's why it's always safe and the best way to make Him our priority as well. In so doing we will never get hurt or lose. It's a win-win situation.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Happy 14th Birthday, Sam!
HEY SAMMYBOY!
So thankful that you came into my life 14 years ago! You're truly one of the best things God ever gave me! So glad that you were surprised today in school and that you loved the backpack I got you and that all your friends enjoyed the popsicles, especially on such a HOTTT day :D I really thought long and hard and wanted to make this year's birthday super special and memorable for you! Praise God for today :]
YOU ROCK SAM!!! Don't let anyone tell you or let you think otherwise!
Love you soooooo sooooo much, with all my heart! ♥♥♥♥♥
Your loving big sis and 家姐,
<3 Frances
My Beloved
I read this on the bus ride home from school today. It stung my heart and made tears well up behind my eyes.
But recently though, something kinda happened (not necessarily a "bad" thing per se) and because of that, I've been noticing old habits and unhealthy thought-tendencies creeping up and even getting the best of me at times. I think I've also been falling prey to the cunning lies that Satan's been trying to implant into my head. As a result, I began to notice that the "Yay, I'm doing well with the Lord!" kinda feeling gradually waning... Very quickly, I detect that something is wrong. It's been pretty tough dealing with how I'm feeling because I don't like the feeling. It makes me nervous and not want to eat, sometimes it wants to consume me. Above all, it competes with my thoughts of Christ - and I always want to be thinking about Jesus. I wholeheartedly want to respond and deal with what I'm going through in the right and holy way that's pleasing to God. Consequentially, there has been a lot of self-condemnation going on because I find myself constantly failing to do what I myself have deemed as "holy" and "right". But God in His grace also enabled me to notice the pride in thinking that 1)I was doing pretty well with Him and 2)I needed to "handle the situation" in the holy and right way, aka perfectly. I'm really humbled to find that I actually cannot do a lick of it by myself, despite my best intentions or noble efforts. I'm really weaksauce and certainly not in the least bit perfect! Rather, it's all God and I really need Him. Hah I guess this is already common sense to a lot of people but I'm actually just beginning to learn right now that it's really really really difficult - sometimes impossible - to control your thoughts and emotions and feelings, which is what I have been almost relentlessly trying to do lately. I'm comforted to know that having certain feelings aren't sinful. What matters is what you do about them and how you respond to them. In my case, this is where surrender comes in. It's really weird but the past few days alone have been quite a roller coaster ride in terms of my thoughts and feelings and even physiological symptoms (i.e. appetite). But I praise God because even through this He is wanting me to learn something and see Him more. Even through this He can and is bringing glory to Himself. Jesus knows I am struggling and He knows that this is hard for me. He knows because He has been through every temptation that is known to man (thanks for the reminder Moon!) and He empathizes with me very much. And the most comforting thing to know is that Jesus DOES NOT condemn me! He does not shake His head in disappointment or point His finger at me or reprimand me (my mom does this sometimes heh - all 3!- though I know she loves me a lot) for what I'm feeling because He loves me and He understands. He just wants me to keep turning to Him constantly because He is there for me. He wants my heart, not what I have to offer or sacrifice, not even the 2-year commitment I made for Him out of a genuine heart. He doesn't want me to try so hard just to keep my word or for me to be perfect or feel badly about myself for failing. He just wants ME - Frances Lai Ting Leong - because He loves me.
*Constant reminder to self: I don't need to be looking for love elsewhere. I don't need to compare myself or try to impress anyone or prove that I am deserving of love or do anything to be accepted. I've already found my Love and am loved so perfectly in return.
"I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." -- Song of Songs 6:3
---A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony. She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind her, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.I think the parts that struck me the most were tears trickling down my sweet Jesus's face and looking for love in all the wrong places. You could say that I'm currently (still) struggling with that. It's sad because I really felt that lately I've been doing quite "well" with the Lord. For a decent amount of time, I sincerely felt that I finally felt so secure in my identity as a beloved precious child of God, that nothing else in the world mattered or can even compare to knowing God and His great Love for me. I was so satisfied in Jesus alone and I felt content. For the most part, I felt free of distractions or obstacles. And this brought me tremendous joy and peace. It was like rainbows and sunshine, and I was very happy. I had Jesus, and that was enough.
She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments. "You look absolutely lovely." "Your dress is divine." "I've never seen a more beautiful bride." "What a stunning ceremony." The lavish praises rang on and on. The bride couldn't be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd's adoration. She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening. As a matter of fact, she did.
But where was the groom? All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call upon anyone's attention to her husband. She didn't even notice his absence at her side. Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, "Where could he be?"
I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be. The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.
He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward the groom. She never held His hand. She never introduced the guests to Him. She operated independently of Him.
I awoke from my dream with a sick feeling in my stomach. "Lord, is this how I made you feel when I was looking for love in all the wrong places?" I wept at the thought of hurting Him so deeply.
Unfortunately, this dream illustrates exactly what is happening between God and millions of His people. He betroths Himself to us, we take His name (as "Christians"), and then we go about our lives looking for love, attention, and affection from every source under the sun except from the Son of God, the Lover of our souls.
Oh, how Jesus longs for His own to acknowledge Him, to introduce Him to our friends, to withdraw to be alone with Him, to cling to Him for our identity, to gaze longingly into His eyes, to love Him with all our heart and soul.---
from Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
But recently though, something kinda happened (not necessarily a "bad" thing per se) and because of that, I've been noticing old habits and unhealthy thought-tendencies creeping up and even getting the best of me at times. I think I've also been falling prey to the cunning lies that Satan's been trying to implant into my head. As a result, I began to notice that the "Yay, I'm doing well with the Lord!" kinda feeling gradually waning... Very quickly, I detect that something is wrong. It's been pretty tough dealing with how I'm feeling because I don't like the feeling. It makes me nervous and not want to eat, sometimes it wants to consume me. Above all, it competes with my thoughts of Christ - and I always want to be thinking about Jesus. I wholeheartedly want to respond and deal with what I'm going through in the right and holy way that's pleasing to God. Consequentially, there has been a lot of self-condemnation going on because I find myself constantly failing to do what I myself have deemed as "holy" and "right". But God in His grace also enabled me to notice the pride in thinking that 1)I was doing pretty well with Him and 2)I needed to "handle the situation" in the holy and right way, aka perfectly. I'm really humbled to find that I actually cannot do a lick of it by myself, despite my best intentions or noble efforts. I'm really weaksauce and certainly not in the least bit perfect! Rather, it's all God and I really need Him. Hah I guess this is already common sense to a lot of people but I'm actually just beginning to learn right now that it's really really really difficult - sometimes impossible - to control your thoughts and emotions and feelings, which is what I have been almost relentlessly trying to do lately. I'm comforted to know that having certain feelings aren't sinful. What matters is what you do about them and how you respond to them. In my case, this is where surrender comes in. It's really weird but the past few days alone have been quite a roller coaster ride in terms of my thoughts and feelings and even physiological symptoms (i.e. appetite). But I praise God because even through this He is wanting me to learn something and see Him more. Even through this He can and is bringing glory to Himself. Jesus knows I am struggling and He knows that this is hard for me. He knows because He has been through every temptation that is known to man (thanks for the reminder Moon!) and He empathizes with me very much. And the most comforting thing to know is that Jesus DOES NOT condemn me! He does not shake His head in disappointment or point His finger at me or reprimand me (my mom does this sometimes heh - all 3!- though I know she loves me a lot) for what I'm feeling because He loves me and He understands. He just wants me to keep turning to Him constantly because He is there for me. He wants my heart, not what I have to offer or sacrifice, not even the 2-year commitment I made for Him out of a genuine heart. He doesn't want me to try so hard just to keep my word or for me to be perfect or feel badly about myself for failing. He just wants ME - Frances Lai Ting Leong - because He loves me.
*Constant reminder to self: I don't need to be looking for love elsewhere. I don't need to compare myself or try to impress anyone or prove that I am deserving of love or do anything to be accepted. I've already found my Love and am loved so perfectly in return.
"I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." -- Song of Songs 6:3
Monday, May 2, 2011
current status: learning SURRENDER.
it's never an easy thing to do but it's always worth it because *What you gain is far far farrrr greater and better than the seemingly super duper important "i really want this" thing that you give up.
*What = JESUS!
just wanna send a shout-out to my sisters out there (you know who you are): thank you for loving me, encouraging me, PRAYING for me, and reminding me that there is beauty in my heart only because God is beautiful and i was created in His glorious image! as of right now, im feeling a bit better :] praise God because my appetite finally returned and i was able to eat dinner tonight --> twas PIZZA (yummay!)... and y'all do know that i am normally quite the big eater :P
it's never an easy thing to do but it's always worth it because *What you gain is far far farrrr greater and better than the seemingly super duper important "i really want this" thing that you give up.
*What = JESUS!
just wanna send a shout-out to my sisters out there (you know who you are): thank you for loving me, encouraging me, PRAYING for me, and reminding me that there is beauty in my heart only because God is beautiful and i was created in His glorious image! as of right now, im feeling a bit better :] praise God because my appetite finally returned and i was able to eat dinner tonight --> twas PIZZA (yummay!)... and y'all do know that i am normally quite the big eater :P
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