---A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony. She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind her, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.I think the parts that struck me the most were tears trickling down my sweet Jesus's face and looking for love in all the wrong places. You could say that I'm currently (still) struggling with that. It's sad because I really felt that lately I've been doing quite "well" with the Lord. For a decent amount of time, I sincerely felt that I finally felt so secure in my identity as a beloved precious child of God, that nothing else in the world mattered or can even compare to knowing God and His great Love for me. I was so satisfied in Jesus alone and I felt content. For the most part, I felt free of distractions or obstacles. And this brought me tremendous joy and peace. It was like rainbows and sunshine, and I was very happy. I had Jesus, and that was enough.
She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments. "You look absolutely lovely." "Your dress is divine." "I've never seen a more beautiful bride." "What a stunning ceremony." The lavish praises rang on and on. The bride couldn't be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd's adoration. She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening. As a matter of fact, she did.
But where was the groom? All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call upon anyone's attention to her husband. She didn't even notice his absence at her side. Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, "Where could he be?"
I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be. The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.
He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward the groom. She never held His hand. She never introduced the guests to Him. She operated independently of Him.
I awoke from my dream with a sick feeling in my stomach. "Lord, is this how I made you feel when I was looking for love in all the wrong places?" I wept at the thought of hurting Him so deeply.
Unfortunately, this dream illustrates exactly what is happening between God and millions of His people. He betroths Himself to us, we take His name (as "Christians"), and then we go about our lives looking for love, attention, and affection from every source under the sun except from the Son of God, the Lover of our souls.
Oh, how Jesus longs for His own to acknowledge Him, to introduce Him to our friends, to withdraw to be alone with Him, to cling to Him for our identity, to gaze longingly into His eyes, to love Him with all our heart and soul.---
from Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge
But recently though, something kinda happened (not necessarily a "bad" thing per se) and because of that, I've been noticing old habits and unhealthy thought-tendencies creeping up and even getting the best of me at times. I think I've also been falling prey to the cunning lies that Satan's been trying to implant into my head. As a result, I began to notice that the "Yay, I'm doing well with the Lord!" kinda feeling gradually waning... Very quickly, I detect that something is wrong. It's been pretty tough dealing with how I'm feeling because I don't like the feeling. It makes me nervous and not want to eat, sometimes it wants to consume me. Above all, it competes with my thoughts of Christ - and I always want to be thinking about Jesus. I wholeheartedly want to respond and deal with what I'm going through in the right and holy way that's pleasing to God. Consequentially, there has been a lot of self-condemnation going on because I find myself constantly failing to do what I myself have deemed as "holy" and "right". But God in His grace also enabled me to notice the pride in thinking that 1)I was doing pretty well with Him and 2)I needed to "handle the situation" in the holy and right way, aka perfectly. I'm really humbled to find that I actually cannot do a lick of it by myself, despite my best intentions or noble efforts. I'm really weaksauce and certainly not in the least bit perfect! Rather, it's all God and I really need Him. Hah I guess this is already common sense to a lot of people but I'm actually just beginning to learn right now that it's really really really difficult - sometimes impossible - to control your thoughts and emotions and feelings, which is what I have been almost relentlessly trying to do lately. I'm comforted to know that having certain feelings aren't sinful. What matters is what you do about them and how you respond to them. In my case, this is where surrender comes in. It's really weird but the past few days alone have been quite a roller coaster ride in terms of my thoughts and feelings and even physiological symptoms (i.e. appetite). But I praise God because even through this He is wanting me to learn something and see Him more. Even through this He can and is bringing glory to Himself. Jesus knows I am struggling and He knows that this is hard for me. He knows because He has been through every temptation that is known to man (thanks for the reminder Moon!) and He empathizes with me very much. And the most comforting thing to know is that Jesus DOES NOT condemn me! He does not shake His head in disappointment or point His finger at me or reprimand me (my mom does this sometimes heh - all 3!- though I know she loves me a lot) for what I'm feeling because He loves me and He understands. He just wants me to keep turning to Him constantly because He is there for me. He wants my heart, not what I have to offer or sacrifice, not even the 2-year commitment I made for Him out of a genuine heart. He doesn't want me to try so hard just to keep my word or for me to be perfect or feel badly about myself for failing. He just wants ME - Frances Lai Ting Leong - because He loves me.
*Constant reminder to self: I don't need to be looking for love elsewhere. I don't need to compare myself or try to impress anyone or prove that I am deserving of love or do anything to be accepted. I've already found my Love and am loved so perfectly in return.
"I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." -- Song of Songs 6:3
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