God is really amazing. He really made me feel the hidden evils of my heart which were brought to the surface the past couple weeks: lust, anger, rage, pride, selfishness, irreverence, faithlessness, fear, lack of self-control... It is really grievous to me because I really do love God and hate to go against Him. I am thankful for the gift of confession, repentance, and His great forgiveness - the precious blood of Jesus that covers all my heinous sins from head to toe. I really want to hate what God hates (in this moment, I truly have no desire to sin and to pursue lust/gratify my flesh, that which is an abomination to God is abominable to me too, I look away with disdain, I resist the Devil and he will flee from me, I hate sin and wish to sin no more!). I pray that God will continue to deeply sanctify me daily and purify my heart from within. I am leaning on His grace, hour by hour. I am not strong on my own, apart from Him I really feel that I cannot make it and that I will fall and crumble. I feel my weakness and neediness of God so keenly. If I'm being honest, I feel a combo of hopefulness yet mixed with fear. Hopeful for a new tomorrow to start each day afresh with new mercies, but also fear of messing up and sinning, of being held back somehow. Yet this I recall to mind, Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?"
God is so infinitely good, and His grace is greater than all my sin! In this I rejoice! I will keep looking to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my faith. I can rest secure knowing that I am safe in the everlasting arms of Love. I look forward to worshiping Him tomorrow at church.
*Yesterday, I said goodbye to someone I deeply care about and long to be with. The feelings are mutual. But the Lord has said "No" right now so the door for us to be together remains closed for the time being. We both have much to work on individually: self-control, discipline, purity, putting God first above each other and not gratifying the desires of our own flesh. We both desire to refocus on God and return to our First Love, even at the expense of (painfully and sadly) losing one another. May the Lord bless our mutual decision and grant us the will of the heart and mind to commit to this decision. We long to be promise-keepers before the Lord and not further break anymore agreements made before Him, as we already have. It is difficult to not communicate with one another, but we know this is what is best for the time being. With obedience always comes blessing. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning. I am continuing to look to Jesus. His grace is what sustains my every breath and is what is keeping me going hour by hour. It really has been a very difficult, painful, emotional, tearful season; I feel as if I've been partially amputated. I miss this person terribly, but I long for Christ more. I love Jesus Christ more, and I long to long for Him. May my appetite and desire and longing and hunger be for Christ and more of Christ. May I see Christ as beautiful, lovely, and glorious. May God take me deeper with Himself and show me more of Him.
O Lord! Help me! Be gracious to me!
