Goodbye White Tacoma, Hello Red Volkswagen

Lord, will this last or will this too be for a while only?  Only You know.

6:40pm. Friday, November 18, 2016. Janns Steps, UCLA. A new chapter begins.

Can it be so...

... that I could possibly fall in love again?

Over the past few years since the end of 2013 I've worked hard to build up a barricade surrounding my fragile heart for self-protection, though often times meeting failure. I was determined to not easily let this already-wobbly fortress down so easily, especially since I've been working so hard to construct it and making sure it stands erect.  But lately, I find these walls slowly melting and me letting my guard down. I took notice and tried to refortify the barricade, praying to God that I would guard my heart - the wellspring of my life (Proverbs 4:23), that I would hide it in Christ and only give it to Him alone, the only Place where my heart will ever be completely and totally safe and unbroken.

Lord, I pray for clarity in your perfect, good, and wise timing.  And that I would only let down this barricade down if I know for sure it's from You.  Waiting for Your signal.

3 years, and counting

It's been over 3 years since you and me were no more.  August 4, 2013 to be exact.  A lot has happened during those 365 x 3 days+ that have gone by.  God humbled me, grew me, changed me, sanctified me, transformed me, dealt with me, wounded me, healed me, taught me, sustained me, comforted me, disciplined me, led me, loved me in ways that I would have never known had what happened between us not had happened.  Nonetheless, it was/still is the most painful and difficult trial I ever had to endure in my short 28 years on this earth, and in many ways I feel that it's something I still have to "endure" to this day.

Though visiting the past can be hard and uneasy, I'm glad and thankful that we were able to talk last night after you helped me move with the others.  Last night was a lot of stimulation for my brain.  In addition to physical exhaustion from all the moving, lifting, and climbing up and down flights of stairs multiple times, there were too many men of particular significance in my life, all in the same room all at once.  Little did you know that there's actually a history with each of you minus one, though admittedly I felt very blessed and grateful for each of your presence and servantheartedness in offering me aid.

I know it's been over 3 years, but to say that I've completely 100% moved on would not be entirely honest.  Yet I know to put my hope in anything else aside from Christ is foolishness.  But after all this time, somehow my heart still believes that you are the one.  But not the One.  Just, the one.  But only God knows, and He will tell in His timing, and at the end of the day He gets to decide if you really are the one.  In the meantime I just have to wait, patiently.  Something I don't always do well but desire to learn, because my Savior was longsufferingly patient.  And I always want to be just like my Savior, the One whom I love most.

Tuesday Musing

Just came back from jogging/walking on the USC track field under the warm, shining rays of the sun beating down on my skin.  Jogged a total of 2 miles with a 1 mile walk in between, all while listening to a sermon by David Platt entitled: Marriage & Missions: How Singleness and Marriage Connect to the Great Commission, sent to me by a special friend.

In this sermon, David Platt talks about a vast array of things... man's creation as a demonstration of God's glory, marriage, singleness, missions, sex, justice/injustice, sex trafficking, poverty, pornography, homosexuality, complementarianism, submission, love, pleasing God vs. pleasing the flesh, Adoniram Judson, etc etc... All of these things tug at my heart strings because they are things that I too care about.  Not nearly as much as God does, I know, but still.  I have cared about these things in the past and still do today.

I was just talking to the same person who sent me this sermon on Sunday night about how I wish my heart would break more for the lost (in that conversation, we were talking specifically about Muslims/those who practice Islam).  That I would be more focused on the unsaved souls and lostness of those who don't know Christ than my own selfish wants, desires, "lackings" (which technically is not true since Psalm 23:1 tells me that "I lack no good thing" if the Lord is my Shepherd, which He is!).  Basically, I want my heart to have a greater focus on OTHERs than on SELF, which I'm such an expert at doing.

Lord-willing if I ever get married, I want a marriage for the sake of missions.  Like that of Adoniram and Ann Judson's.  I want to be all about God's glory, about pleasing Him, making Him known, proclaiming Him to all the slaves and captives in the world, telling every body that there is a Great God in Heaven who sees and LOVES them for Whom they were created... even if they are poor and have literally nothing, even if they are addicted and enslaved to pornography, even if they have a shameful past, even if they are sick and dying... that the One who condescended so low, swooped down to care for worms of the dust such as I and Abraham and Moses and David wants to and can forgive us of allllll our sins and impurities!  He sets us free from bondage and enslavement!  He gives us New Life, a reason to live, hope for tomorrow!  He offers fulfillment, joy, peace, hope, purpose, the BEST of things!  He loves with a Love that is not of this world -- a love so rich, pure, vast, unconditional, everlasting, unparalleled that sometimes it can be hard to understand and even accept because of our limited, fallen state but nonetheless is REAL and TRUE.  This God wants an intimate love relationship with you and me and beckons us to draw near to Him day by day.

I'm still contemplating all this, ever praying for my own heart.  It was also quite distracting, I confess, to not keep thinking about the person who sent me the sermon while jogging and listening, or after every time I receive a text message from him.  Trying hard to take my swarming thoughts captive and making them obedient to Christ (2 Cor 10:5), to think on things that are true (Phil 4:8), to not read in between the lines even though it's tempting to at times, and to only place my hope and trust in God - the One whose been my confidence since my youth (Psalm 71:5).

4 years

big gap... or no?

Lord, You decide

Dear Future Husband: I'm Done by Kaylee Gibson

from https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/dear-future-husband-im-done

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Dear Future Husband: I'm Done
Because it's time to stop wasting my time waiting for you.

Dear Future Husband,

I'm done.

I'm done thinking about you and who you will be. I'm done wondering if you're one of my friends, or someone I have already met. I'm done answering my friends when they ask me what I want you to be like. I'm done with it all.

I'm done wasting my time dreaming of you. I've spent a lot of my life dwelling on things to come. I've missed so many great moments because my mind was absent. You are future, but I am present. My life is present. And I've decided to let you show up in the present before I start thinking of you often. As someone very wise once put it, "do you think God is just going to let your future spouse walk by without tapping you on the shoulder?" I'm sure I won't miss you when you come so I'm going to stop staring at the door.

I'm done assuming that I know what's best for me. I'm done sketching out your best qualities to match my own. I'm done stealing God's job. I'm done trying to be the architect for my own future. God is the professional, so I'm going to let Him take care of the details and give me a tour when He's ready. I trust that He is going to build something more beautiful than I would ever think to construct.

I'm done setting unreasonable expectations for you. I'm done being the girl that puts you on a pedestal and believes that marriage will be easy if she just finds that perfect guy. I'm done mentally planning our TLC wedding and our "Pride and Prejudice" happy ending. I'm done measuring you up to movie characters and inspirational quotes on Pinterest. I want to be happy with you being you. The beautiful thing is that you're not fictional and you're not just the chorus to a love song. I want you to be authentic and genuine. I'm done expecting you to be anything else.

I'm done assuming that sooner is better when it comes to knowing you. I'm done asking God to get on with it already. I'm done despising people who have found love already. I'm done wishing I were them. I'm thankful that I am me and that my story is unique. I'm done buying into the idea that being in love is the only way to live.

I'm done assuming that you exist at all. This is not because I think I will never find love or because I don't trust God. In fact, it's because I trust God that I'm done expecting you. My life will be great no matter if you are real or not. I think single Christians tend to forget this. My Christian journey won't necessarily lead me down the aisle. That doesn't mean that God loves me any less. God has something great for me. It may or may not be a husband, but that's okay.

If you are real, I want you to know that right now I am focusing on hiding my heart in Christ alone. I'm going to let Him take care of me. And honestly, even in the future, when and if I know you, I'm going to let Him take care of me then. You will never be my everything. I never want to be your everything, either. I think our best love will come through a mutual love for our Savior. Love without the cross really isn't love at all.

Sit tight, future husband, if you're out there at all. Hide your heart in Jesus as well and wait until he taps you on the shoulder and says, "it's that one over there." I'll be thrilled when and if that moment comes, but I'm done waiting for love. I've already found it. And I pray that you have, too.

Prayer

http://www.challies.com/articles/4-methods-to-organize-your-prayer-life

I feel convicted not just that I need to pray more, but I need to spend time in preparation for prayer.  I also need to have a more organized prayer life.  Felt this way before reading the article but feel even more convicted after reading.  Lord, help me.

to be seen by God, not man...

God knew that I needed this reminder.

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/big-god-living-in-a-man-pleasing-world

“Beware of practicing your righteousness before other people in order to be seen by them, for then you will have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.  Thus, when you give to the needy, sound no trumpet before you, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may be praised by others. Truly, I say to you, they have received their reward. But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, so that your giving may be in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” -Matthew 6:1-4

Started it in 2012 but resolved to finish reading "When People are Big and God is Small" this summer 2016!

God Sees

"I can fight for faith that the hidden work of ____________ matters — because nothing we do or think is hidden to Him. Nobody else has to see this moment; He does."

humility

The eyes of the arrogant man will be humbled 
and the pride of men brought low;
the Lord alone will be exalted in that day.
The Lord Almighty has a day in store for all the proud and lofty,
for all that is exalted
(and they will be humbled).
Isaiah 2:11-12

Note to self: pursue humility.

When we least want to be in the Scriptures is when we most need to be. -Lisa LaGeorge