Deep Cleaning

God is really amazing. He really made me feel the hidden evils of my heart which were brought to the surface the past couple weeks: lust, anger, rage, pride, selfishness, irreverence, faithlessness, fear, lack of self-control... It is really grievous to me because I really do love God and hate to go against Him. I am thankful for the gift of confession, repentance, and His great forgiveness - the precious blood of Jesus that covers all my heinous sins from head to toe. I really want to hate what God hates (in this moment, I truly have no desire to sin and to pursue lust/gratify my flesh, that which is an abomination to God is abominable to me too, I look away with disdain, I resist the Devil and he will flee from me, I hate sin and wish to sin no more!). I pray that God will continue to deeply sanctify me daily and purify my heart from within. I am leaning on His grace, hour by hour. I am not strong on my own, apart from Him I really feel that I cannot make it and that I will fall and crumble. I feel my weakness and neediness of God so keenly. If I'm being honest, I feel a combo of hopefulness yet mixed with fear. Hopeful for a new tomorrow to start each day afresh with new mercies, but also fear of messing up and sinning, of being held back somehow. Yet this I recall to mind, Psalm 56:3-4 "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?"

God is so infinitely good, and His grace is greater than all my sin! In this I rejoice! I will keep looking to Jesus, the Author and Perfector of my faith. I can rest secure knowing that I am safe in the everlasting arms of Love. I look forward to worshiping Him tomorrow at church. 

*Yesterday, I said goodbye to someone I deeply care about and long to be with. The feelings are mutual. But the Lord has said "No" right now so the door for us to be together remains closed for the time being. We both have much to work on individually: self-control, discipline, purity, putting God first above each other and not gratifying the desires of our own flesh. We both desire to refocus on God and return to our First Love, even at the expense of (painfully and sadly) losing one another. May the Lord bless our mutual decision and grant us the will of the heart and mind to commit to this decision. We long to be promise-keepers before the Lord and not further break anymore agreements made before Him, as we already have. It is difficult to not communicate with one another, but we know this is what is best for the time being. With obedience always comes blessing. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes in the morning. I am continuing to look to Jesus. His grace is what sustains my every breath and is what is keeping me going hour by hour. It really has been a very difficult, painful, emotional, tearful season; I feel as if I've been partially amputated. I miss this person terribly, but I long for Christ more. I love Jesus Christ more, and I long to long for Him. May my appetite and desire and longing and hunger be for Christ and more of Christ. May I see Christ as beautiful, lovely, and glorious. May God take me deeper with Himself and show me more of Him.

O Lord! Help me! Be gracious to me!

A heartfelt reflection/prayer during a difficult time

Dear Almighty God, my Heavenly Father,

You are good, faithful, in control always.  I will trust You no matter what.  You will surely continue to guide me and provide for me, as You have been the past 33 years of my life.

Over the last few weeks, I have lost my health, someone I love, and am about to lose my job.

Health - I caught covid-19 and had the whole gamut of symptoms: sore throat, cough, fever, chills, body aches, headache, nasal congestion, diarrhea, loss of appetite, fatigue. The virus hit me pretty hard and I've been sick for the past 2 weeks, unable to work, and with some lingering symptoms.

Special someone - There is mutual interest between a dear brother and me but due to present circumstances and issues concerning maturity and finance, we cannot be in a relationship at the moment. We are letting each other go, stopping communication, and forgoing any hope of being together (though admittedly, the last part has been very difficult for me to do).

Job - In less than a week on Feb 1, 2022, I will be officially terminated from my job as a registered nurse in oncology at The Angeles Clinic and Research Institute, which is an affiliate of Cedars-Sinai, because I refuse to take the covid-19 booster because it violates my conscience as a faithful follower of Jesus Christ. My convictions and personal research lead me to believe that there is currently insufficient data proving the long-term efficacy nor safety of these vaccinations. I want to be a good steward of my God-given body and prohibit the injection of an experimental drug that may potentially cause my body harm.

It's been a pretty emotional and overwhelming past several weeks, yet I have also experienced much comfort and peace from Above. God has remained exceedingly kind, faithful, loving, and good in meeting all my needs and providing at every turn of the way. Sisters have been dropping of meals and groceries since I have been too sick and tired to cook and drive. Saints have been praying for me and checking in. God provided covid meds (ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine) through a few generous saints from church, someone even helped retrieve and deliver them to me. 

The line from Great is Thy Faithfulness comes to mind: "All I have needed Thy Hands hath provided, great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me." Amen! May I keep on believing this truth! Lord, please increase my faith!

The incessant love, support, prayers, and encouragement I have received from the saints from the faithful body of Christ around me, including that of my friends, mother, discipler, loving sisters and brothers, flood my heart with joy and gratitude. They mean more than the world to me and ministers to my tearful, heavy, sorrowful yet still rejoicing heart tremendously. My hope and trust lie completely in Jesus Christ alone. No matter what happens, I know He is faithful to keep me till the end. I will continue to wait on Him in quiet trust and fervent prayer. Watching and praying to see what He will do next. May I too be found faithful till the end, continually worshiping and joyfully obeying in every moment. May God's glory and honor be my continual pursuit. May I continue to love my Jesus Christ!