Return of My Tears

After work today I went up to the 8th floor of the parking lot - otherwise known as the roof - and sat there alone, crying.  I have been feeling sad about something recently.  Someone, actually.  My sadness made me cry out to God, earnestly pleading for Him to help me.  I asked God to help me channel all the desires and affections that I feel for him towards Him.  I asked God to help me trust in Him and to believe that He really has the best in store for me.  Even though my heart was grieving and filled with sorrow, God still gave me a lovely view to feast my tears-filled, water-y eyes upon.  The sky was mesmerizingly beautiful as the sun was setting behind the clouds - spreading it's bright orange hues across the sky, making it look softly golden.  The sky and it's beautiful colors were the first thing that I noticed as I stepped out of the hospital elevators onto the outdoors plaza level.  Even though I felt physically exhausted from a yet another busy work shift, I thought to myself: I have to go to the rooftop in order to get a better view of this breathtaking sight.  

And I'm thankful I did.  Praise You, God.  All glory, worship, and praise be to You forever.

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!

I Shall Not Want

I Shall Not Want   by Audrey Assad
From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
And from a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

From the fear of serving others
Oh, and from the fear of death or trial
And from the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Yes, deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

Eyes, Heart, Hope Fixed on You Alone

Dear God,

I am giving it all to You - my heart, desires, feelings, hopes, disappointments, sadness, pain, how I feel about K... I commit and recommit it all to You.  Only with You is my heart fully safe, protected, and perfectly loved.  I will continue to love You alone with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  I will continue to trust You and serve You in this season of (indefinite) waiting.

I love You,
Frances

Determined to be Joyful

By God's grace, I've been very happy the past couple of weeks.  I know a big reason is because I was presented with many opportunities to serve God, my church, the children in VBS, brothers and sisters in Christ.. all of this naturally brings me much joy and happiness.  But I'm also wondering if my joy was partially being derived from another reason (another person, specifically), because in the past several weeks I happened to have seen and interacted with this person a LOT.  Ministering alongside this person has always been fun, joyful, meaningful, rewarding, and I realize that being around this person makes me very happy and brings me much laughter (which hasn't always been the case, as earlier in the year this person also brought me much pain, sorrow, and seas of tears)... But I know that I've been very happy around this person lately, and that's what I've been dwelling on mostly.  The present and not the past.  However, the past few days I'm also realizing the real danger this situation poses to my heart, which (until very recently) was on the road to recovery and healing from the breakup, or so I thought.  Have I done a poor job guarding my heart?  Have the triple-iron bolted fortresses of steel surrounding my heart already toppled down?

I haven't cried in a while, but on the phone with my dad at first I shed some tears while telling him about this person and how my heart feels.  It may be stupid, but I asked my dad through choked-back tears, "What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Because I'm so big and fat? Because I'm not "quality girl"?"  He let out a loving chuckle and exclaimed in Chinese "Silly girl! Of course not, my daughter!" in Chinese.  But still, I couldn't help but feel a familiar sadness of longing and rejection fall on me like a thick blanket of smoke - heavy, yet hard to get rid of.  Oh how I really do not want to be back in this predicament!!!  I really want to have joy that's not contingent on my circumstances.  And I don't want to lose my joy because I don't get something I want.  Rather, I want to always carry a responsibly jubilant expression to God at any and every point in time.  That is the type of heart posture I want - that I can rejoice because my focus is on the Gospel, on Christ, on the things above - not on earthly things, not on circumstances.  My jubilation has got to be directed towards God and His Word.

Oh LORD, teach me to rejoice even now!  I long to worship You.