A Letter

Dear FH,

Not sure when you're going to show up in my life - if you've already appeared, or if we have yet to meet.  But whoever you are, I hope and pray that you will help me be more like Christ my Savior, and that I'll be able to do the same for you, and that together we will love Him better and more than when we were separated.  I hope we can be more effective servants of Christ together, be catalysts for each other's sanctification, be tremendous blessings to the (universal and local) church and family of God, faithfully minister and share the Gospel of peace to the lost as lifetime ministry partners (yay!), raise up (spiritual and biological) life-long disciples for Jesus, bring one another countless joy and laughter and deep companionship and genuine fond affection not based on the superficial and fickle things of the world.  I hope we can be an emblem of biblical love, the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, constantly loving one another and being compassionate and forgiving, just as in Christ God forgave us.  Let us spend and be spent for the Gospel!

I have been praying for you for many years, and will continue to do so!  I'm excited for the day that God has ordained for us to meet and wed.  But I am reminded that even if it never will be, my life is still good... because I've already got Christ, and He is sufficient.

Love,
Your FW

Happy but Nervous

That's how I currently feel when I'm around him.
Still praying about it and trying to be still, trying to wait patiently, all while trusting in God.

On My Mind

I've been thinking about you every day this week, which inevitably leads me to pray to God about you every day too.  What does this all mean??!!

Oh heart, my heart, I cannot follow you. For you are highly deceitful and sinful, full of strong feelings and fickle emotions that cannot be trusted.  I can but trust only One, and to Him I am turning and asking for clarity, patience, restraint, guidance, faith, discernment.

I am waiting on You, oh Lord my God.  Please grant me wisdom.

Potential Relapse...?????

Got off the phone not too long ago with him, we talked for close to an hour and half over a serious matter concerning a third party.  It was a very helpful conversation, seasoned with much wisdom, thoughtfulness, godliness, patience, tact, grace.  I really really appreciated it, as the conversation was incredibly helpful, and the person with whom I was speaking greatly ministered to my sinful soul.  So non-judgmental, patient, gracious, caring, gentle with his words, as if almost saying exactly what I needed to hear at the exact time, it seemed (almost too perfect, this feels uncanny).  Praise the Lord!

We prayed together in closing (he did) as I knelt on the floor.  I echoed every word of his heartfelt, beautiful, honest prayer.  I'm so very thankful for that - to be able to confess, share honestly without fear of judgment or thinking the other would think less of me, mutually encourage, grow in godliness, love, humility, forbearance, seeking the Lord together... *sighhhhh*

Oh, but my heart...! I'm afraid of resurrection of certain feelings and fond affection that I thought had miraculously (supernaturally) disappeared.  Especially if it's one-sided.  Sigh, I don't know what I'm actually feeling... and perhaps it's just strong feelings and emotions, which are fickle and not to be trusted nor acted upon because they are so unreliable.  Lord, You would have to give me a sure sign of confirmation.  Until then, I need to set my face as flint to guard my heart.

I don't know if I should end this post with a :/ or a :)  All I know is that I must continue fixing my eyes on Jesus and His cross.  I'm a big sinner who needs much MUCH saving, constantly.

Almost 3 Months

Today (6/4/2017) is almost 3 months since the second breakup (3/6/2017).  A godly and wise older woman once told me that "the godlier a woman is, the faster she'll get over a breakup".  And I think she gave me a 3 month timeline too, coincidentally.  Well, I really wasn't holding myself to any sort of timeline, as I know 3 months ago I was truly brokenhearted and crying a lot due to the pain and hurt from what had happened.  I really had no idea how long I would be in that state, how long it would take me to completely "move on" (however that would look like, I did not know), but I definitely hoped and prayed hard that it wouldn't take 3 years, which was approximately how long it took for me to "get over" my first relationship that had ended.  Purely by God's grace, I can honestly say today that I feel that I am currently at a good place.  I really have been trying my best to move forward in obedience every day, because to have been stuck where I was post-breakup and still hold onto all the feelings I felt about him then would be disobedient to the Lord.  When God closes one door and says "not a step further", I don't want to keep pounding or trying to open a locked doorknob.  I want to get with God's program in case He opens another door.  And not that I'm eagerly looking for another door right now... though I know I can still praise Him in the hallway even if all doors remain closed!  Worship of God should not just happen when He opens doors; He is worthy and deserving always of my worship and praise!  So I really believe that I am moving on.  To say that my life is problem-and-pain-free at the moment would not be true at all, but am I thankful, content, and trusting God more than I did 3 months ago?  A resounding yes!

Tonight we celebrated K's birthday by eating at a Pho restaurant of his choice in Koreatown.  Of course, I had remembered it was his birthday all week (that's a special gift that the Lord gave me: I typically remember birthdays of people who have some type of significance in my life).  I took time to write him a heartfelt card, in which I also included one of my favorite hymns ("Thanks to God for my Redeemer"), which I thought was very fitting and appropriate in light of everything that occurred over the past year, that we can still give thanks to our Redeemer for it all because it was ALL for our good and His glory!  Also gave him a brownie, which he left in his car (forgetfully, or purposefully, I don't know) which ended up getting baked even more from the hot Valley sun.  Originally I wasn't sure if we were going to do anything for him because nothing was announced nor posted on Gracevine.  Even though right now I mostly view him as just a brother and ministry partner (again, praise God for allowing me to move forward in faith and acceptance of His perfect will in my life! His ways are good and always for my best, and I believe it!), I still want him to have a memorable birthday because he's my friend, but I didn't feel it was my place to organize a birthday thing for him, especially since we aren't dating anymore... So I texted his roommates last night and to my honest surprise, they said they had forgotten it was his birthday (is this typical for guys!?!) and thanked me for reminding them.  I'm thankful God allowed me to remind them too because knowing K, I think he would have been sad (at least on the inside, if he didn't show it externally) that his roommates forgot his birthday.  And they are all so close too!  But I'm feeling this icky pride that's wanting to lurk out of my heart... wanting to take credit for being the "one who remembered".... because "if it wasn't for me" then his roommates wouldn't have even remembered.... I think a part of me wants K to know and see and appreciate me.  And then this causes a snowball effect of tempting me to be bitter about the past and all the times when I felt he didn't appreciate me and took me for granted during our relationship.  OH GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY SINFUL SOUL!  Help me to think rightly.  Lord, I want to be humble and to think in ways that are lovely, loving, and true.  Think thoughts that please You.

Well, besides myself, everyone who K invited to his birthday dinner was a brother so I actually felt pretty weird and out of place and didn't want to go anymore... But K texted me, kindly asking if I needed a ride, and when I asked if he would rather just celebrate with all the guys, he said he really wanted me to go, and I really desired to honor his preference and make him happy since it was his birthday.  So I went and was, yet again, an "honorary brother" for the night.  Thankfully it wasn't too awkward and everyone, K included, seemed to have a blessed time.

I'm thankful for JKN and am really going to miss hanging out with them, since J is moving to Florida come August 1.  (I already do miss the handful of blessed times last year when it was just the 4 of us hanging out spontaneously.  Memories I will store in my heart always.)  Today I had an encouraging talk with J as he drove me back from church after VBS meeting.  He was very gracious and generous of his time to be willing to drive all the way back to GCC from USC to drive me home, and he did it with joyful eagerness, saying that it's always encouraging to talk with me and that he would look forward to the drive back because of that, that it would all be worth it.  Well, the feelings are mutual.  I have always enjoyed talking about God, our thoughts on the Christian life, the Bible, evangelism, past experiences, biblical marriage (sometimes), how we're doing and what God's been teaching us, etc... with J.  I really appreciate his insights, sharings, encouragement, and especially how he listens to me and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say.

Today we talked about how the Christian life is a lot about controlling the mind and thinking rightly.  Romans 12:2 commands us to "do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will".  We both talked about how we can rejoice and be thankful and content in any given moment - especially in trials, hard times, or just circumstantially sucky situations - because Jesus died for our sins and gave us forgiveness and salvation.  If we already have the greatest Gift, what else can be better than that?  What else can really "go wrong"?  What else would really matter that much?  Ah, but if only we always thought rightly about things.  Christian life is really about renewing our minds daily and thinking rightly.  God, please help all of us to do this!