Almost 3 Months

Today (6/4/2017) is almost 3 months since the second breakup (3/6/2017).  A godly and wise older woman once told me that "the godlier a woman is, the faster she'll get over a breakup".  And I think she gave me a 3 month timeline too, coincidentally.  Well, I really wasn't holding myself to any sort of timeline, as I know 3 months ago I was truly brokenhearted and crying a lot due to the pain and hurt from what had happened.  I really had no idea how long I would be in that state, how long it would take me to completely "move on" (however that would look like, I did not know), but I definitely hoped and prayed hard that it wouldn't take 3 years, which was approximately how long it took for me to "get over" my first relationship that had ended.  Purely by God's grace, I can honestly say today that I feel that I am currently at a good place.  I really have been trying my best to move forward in obedience every day, because to have been stuck where I was post-breakup and still hold onto all the feelings I felt about him then would be disobedient to the Lord.  When God closes one door and says "not a step further", I don't want to keep pounding or trying to open a locked doorknob.  I want to get with God's program in case He opens another door.  And not that I'm eagerly looking for another door right now... though I know I can still praise Him in the hallway even if all doors remain closed!  Worship of God should not just happen when He opens doors; He is worthy and deserving always of my worship and praise!  So I really believe that I am moving on.  To say that my life is problem-and-pain-free at the moment would not be true at all, but am I thankful, content, and trusting God more than I did 3 months ago?  A resounding yes!

Tonight we celebrated K's birthday by eating at a Pho restaurant of his choice in Koreatown.  Of course, I had remembered it was his birthday all week (that's a special gift that the Lord gave me: I typically remember birthdays of people who have some type of significance in my life).  I took time to write him a heartfelt card, in which I also included one of my favorite hymns ("Thanks to God for my Redeemer"), which I thought was very fitting and appropriate in light of everything that occurred over the past year, that we can still give thanks to our Redeemer for it all because it was ALL for our good and His glory!  Also gave him a brownie, which he left in his car (forgetfully, or purposefully, I don't know) which ended up getting baked even more from the hot Valley sun.  Originally I wasn't sure if we were going to do anything for him because nothing was announced nor posted on Gracevine.  Even though right now I mostly view him as just a brother and ministry partner (again, praise God for allowing me to move forward in faith and acceptance of His perfect will in my life! His ways are good and always for my best, and I believe it!), I still want him to have a memorable birthday because he's my friend, but I didn't feel it was my place to organize a birthday thing for him, especially since we aren't dating anymore... So I texted his roommates last night and to my honest surprise, they said they had forgotten it was his birthday (is this typical for guys!?!) and thanked me for reminding them.  I'm thankful God allowed me to remind them too because knowing K, I think he would have been sad (at least on the inside, if he didn't show it externally) that his roommates forgot his birthday.  And they are all so close too!  But I'm feeling this icky pride that's wanting to lurk out of my heart... wanting to take credit for being the "one who remembered".... because "if it wasn't for me" then his roommates wouldn't have even remembered.... I think a part of me wants K to know and see and appreciate me.  And then this causes a snowball effect of tempting me to be bitter about the past and all the times when I felt he didn't appreciate me and took me for granted during our relationship.  OH GOD, HAVE MERCY ON MY SINFUL SOUL!  Help me to think rightly.  Lord, I want to be humble and to think in ways that are lovely, loving, and true.  Think thoughts that please You.

Well, besides myself, everyone who K invited to his birthday dinner was a brother so I actually felt pretty weird and out of place and didn't want to go anymore... But K texted me, kindly asking if I needed a ride, and when I asked if he would rather just celebrate with all the guys, he said he really wanted me to go, and I really desired to honor his preference and make him happy since it was his birthday.  So I went and was, yet again, an "honorary brother" for the night.  Thankfully it wasn't too awkward and everyone, K included, seemed to have a blessed time.

I'm thankful for JKN and am really going to miss hanging out with them, since J is moving to Florida come August 1.  (I already do miss the handful of blessed times last year when it was just the 4 of us hanging out spontaneously.  Memories I will store in my heart always.)  Today I had an encouraging talk with J as he drove me back from church after VBS meeting.  He was very gracious and generous of his time to be willing to drive all the way back to GCC from USC to drive me home, and he did it with joyful eagerness, saying that it's always encouraging to talk with me and that he would look forward to the drive back because of that, that it would all be worth it.  Well, the feelings are mutual.  I have always enjoyed talking about God, our thoughts on the Christian life, the Bible, evangelism, past experiences, biblical marriage (sometimes), how we're doing and what God's been teaching us, etc... with J.  I really appreciate his insights, sharings, encouragement, and especially how he listens to me and seems genuinely interested in what I have to say.

Today we talked about how the Christian life is a lot about controlling the mind and thinking rightly.  Romans 12:2 commands us to "do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will".  We both talked about how we can rejoice and be thankful and content in any given moment - especially in trials, hard times, or just circumstantially sucky situations - because Jesus died for our sins and gave us forgiveness and salvation.  If we already have the greatest Gift, what else can be better than that?  What else can really "go wrong"?  What else would really matter that much?  Ah, but if only we always thought rightly about things.  Christian life is really about renewing our minds daily and thinking rightly.  God, please help all of us to do this!