I've been audiobooking/reading the book of Matthew and am really convicted by Jesus's words and teachings. Seeing his disciples' little faith in their Discipler (even though they walked and lived with Jesus and saw Him perform miracles with their own eyes! How could they still have little faith if they witnessed such miraculous wonders, I wonder to myself...), I don't judge them but rather relate to them because even though God's been faithful to me in the past (in fact my whole life), I too often times have little faith and still doubt. Doesn't really make sense. In addition to it be not pleasing to God, I'm thankful God has convicted me to see the futility and foolishness in doubting Him. And when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees calling them "crooked, corrupt, adulterous generation"... my heart is pricked too because I know full well that out of my own evil heart has come lots of sin. As I'm reading, I wonder how Jesus felt leading those 12 disciples whom He always referred to as "you of little faith". Wasn't he disappointed and frustrated at them (I know I would be), yet he still loved them enough to die for their sins... doesn't really make sense to me because it's just so not-of-this-world. Another part that stood out to me is found in the miracles of the massive feedings of 4000 and 5000 in Matt 14-15, the verses that said "They all ate and were satisfied". The food that Jesus provides SATISFIES (literal and figurative). I need to always remember that and need to quit trying to fend for myself.
The past couple months God has really shown me the smallness of my faith through various situations and trials He's allowed. Ultimately, that has turned me to repent, turn to His Word, and pray daily asking for the faith to believe and trust God.
God continues to minister to my soul using His own Word through the Bible. Last week He used Proverbs 3:5-6 to bring a big breakthrough in my thinking... This passage commands me to TRUST in who? The Lord. With what? With ALL my heart (not merely a portion, not even a large portion, but rather ALL of it, WHOLEHEARTED in the truest sense of the word) and to NOT lean on my own understanding. Even though I had memorized these verses since I was a small child, God's wise words still hit me afresh. I realized that I had been appraising the breakup according to my own understanding... I didn't fully understand why it happened, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, why God had to allow it.... not that we were perfect but I really felt that the both of us did indeed trust the Lord the best we could together during dating, so if we did that, then why did the relationship have to end up in breakup?... I didn't understand and so I was using my own understanding to try to make sense of it. BUT... God's Word here tells me to trust Him and NOT in my own understanding. Bam. My searching mind not-understanding was suddenly quelled and it was as if in that moment I understood. I mean, not that I understood exactly what happened between us and all that had "gone wrong" in the relationship (yes, I have learned and am learning but to pinpoint every single reason that led to breakup, I don't think I would be able...) but rather, I understood that I do not need to understand everything before I obey God's command to trust in Him with all my heart. And I was convicted that that was something that I had not been doing. Because when I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting God. You can only do one or the other. The verses continue by telling us to acknowledge Him in all our ways (acknowledge: to know intimately, to desire His presence) and the promise to claim is that He will make our paths straight. I know that straight paths do not mean rainbows and sunshine and all my dreams come true, but straight paths do come from God and are part of His will, and I want to be on the straight paths that God prepares for me (even if they are comprised of a bunch of crooked paths which only look straight from a bird's eye point of view) as I continue to practice His presence daily, acknowledging that He is with me in every moment, every situation, every trial, every instance of every day of my life.
God continues to minister to my soul using His own Word through the Bible. Last week He used Proverbs 3:5-6 to bring a big breakthrough in my thinking... This passage commands me to TRUST in who? The Lord. With what? With ALL my heart (not merely a portion, not even a large portion, but rather ALL of it, WHOLEHEARTED in the truest sense of the word) and to NOT lean on my own understanding. Even though I had memorized these verses since I was a small child, God's wise words still hit me afresh. I realized that I had been appraising the breakup according to my own understanding... I didn't fully understand why it happened, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, why God had to allow it.... not that we were perfect but I really felt that the both of us did indeed trust the Lord the best we could together during dating, so if we did that, then why did the relationship have to end up in breakup?... I didn't understand and so I was using my own understanding to try to make sense of it. BUT... God's Word here tells me to trust Him and NOT in my own understanding. Bam. My searching mind not-understanding was suddenly quelled and it was as if in that moment I understood. I mean, not that I understood exactly what happened between us and all that had "gone wrong" in the relationship (yes, I have learned and am learning but to pinpoint every single reason that led to breakup, I don't think I would be able...) but rather, I understood that I do not need to understand everything before I obey God's command to trust in Him with all my heart. And I was convicted that that was something that I had not been doing. Because when I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting God. You can only do one or the other. The verses continue by telling us to acknowledge Him in all our ways (acknowledge: to know intimately, to desire His presence) and the promise to claim is that He will make our paths straight. I know that straight paths do not mean rainbows and sunshine and all my dreams come true, but straight paths do come from God and are part of His will, and I want to be on the straight paths that God prepares for me (even if they are comprised of a bunch of crooked paths which only look straight from a bird's eye point of view) as I continue to practice His presence daily, acknowledging that He is with me in every moment, every situation, every trial, every instance of every day of my life.
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