I've been thinking about love, forgiveness, Christ, K... Even though I've been genuinely trying to move forward for the past many months ever since the breakup, if I'm honest with myself, deep down I still have affectionate feelings for him (which I try hard to conceal). But I've been thinking about what my mom and another older sister said about truly loving someone and wanting the best for that person. Even if that might mean I am completely removed from the equation, which is so hard to to do and not what my heart and flesh desire. I know my heart would break and be crushed even further than it already is if I learned that he is pursuing someone else. BUT... though heartbreaking and painful, I want to be okay and bless that. I want to love him the way God wants me to - to truly LOVE him more than I love myself. That includes desiring the best for him (even if that isn't me), to be happy if he is happy and well, to rejoice for/with him if he finds someone else better for him, even if I'm hurting and dying inside. I want to strive to love him like this. This is the love of God.
I want to have faith that this kind of self-effacing, God-honoring, God-trusting, sacrificial love will yield lasting fruit of peace and joy, as I continue to seek to live according to God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will for me.
The Lord continues to work in my heart. I am daily learning to be still, keep a quiet heart before God, trust Him wholeheartedly (especially during trials and difficulties), and wait upon Him patiently. I have decided that I will guard (by that, I mean LOCK UP big-time) my heart until God makes it clear that it's okay to "give" it to someone. I will continue to fight to move forward. I will continue to pray that God will enable me to not be bogged down or discouraged by the past - painful and scarring as things have been. Jesus makes all things new. In Him I have hope. In Him I place my trust.
2017 has been a very rough and trying year circumstantially. Filled with colorful and painful, painful trials. Burnout at work, stressful relationships, breakup, loss, conflicts, death, health issues, injuries, traffic citations, difficult transitions, physical/mental/emotional pain, etc. Lots of crying and tears. Sorrows upon sorrows. Alas, this year is coming to an end soon. Though I'm not sure I look forward to the new year or future as much as I look forward to Heaven... God, help me to continue to fight the good fight of faith. ><>
