Quest for Joy

Dear Friend,

If you're reading this you're probably someone I really love and cherish. Thanks for being a friend and for your support. If you've been praying for me, I thank you even more. May I please ask that you pray to GOD that I may find JOY in Him. Being home this Winterbreak has been hard for me. I have seriously been lacking in joy. I don't exactly know the root cause, but I know some of the reasons causing this lack of joy.

Please pray that I may experience joy in GOD.

Thanks,
Frances

Having No Merit

Pastor John Piper's words of having no merit. May this also be my confession.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/my-happy-confession-of-having-no-merit

Hard to be Still

My heart and mind is super struggling to Psalm 46:10 right now. I feel angry and moody and I want to blow up or just leave.

Found this somewhere online. It's deep.

Be still.
And know that I Am.
God.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know that.
Be still and know.
Be still
Be.

*deep heavy sighhh*

Reflections

Copy and pasted from an email I wrote to a leader.

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Being home has been a little hard for me. The past few days I've been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past year and quarter, giving thanks and praises as well examining and listing out the areas I would like to grow in 2012. I was really honest in telling God that I felt sad and tempted to feel discouraged as to why I don't have any disciples in America (yet), and how I really desire to be in Kyrgyzstan right now to be with my beloved students whom I helped lead to Christ and soooo desire to help them grow. I feel like I still labor the way I did overseas and that my heart posture is the same, but for whatever reason God did not give me any Faithful Available Committed Teachable girls (yet). Like some of the LT missionaries who have shared, I too feel like Hannah in the Bible -- barren, with no (spiritual) children. But I think God helped me realize an even deeper problem, which is buying into the lie that because I don't have any disciples (at least in America), I am worthless and not "as good" or as mature as the other Christians who do have disciples, and that God is less pleased with me because I don't have external fruit to present to Him. I wrongly believed that having disciples is my way of earning God's favor. I thought that God was disappointed with me. I am coming to realize that this is not the Truth...

I want to make disciples of all nations and bring glory to God... but even more, I just want to keep on seeking God and knowing Him. I really want to keep drawing near to God and knowing Him more and not be so focused on serving and "doing", which is naturally what I like to do. In some ways, ministry can be dangerous for me. I don't like being "idle" and being still and not doing anything. But Psalms 46:10 tells us to "BE STILL and know that I am God." Though it is always my desire to serve God and live out the Great Commission, I'm convicted that I need to keep learning how to rest and abide in Jesus -- standing firm on His Word, promises, and Truth. I pray that He can grow me in areas of humility and grace -- to be okay with serving Him in whatever little or big capacity that He has called me to, and to faithfully serve and live before an audience of One, not seeking man's approval.
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Thankful for Skype/Google Video

Today I'm really thankful because I got to catch up with two girls that I really really love, both who are far away from me right now. One in Ontario, Canada and the other in Beijing, China. But I'm thankful that we are sisters in Christ so in case we don't get to see each other face to face again in this lifetime (which I prayyyy hard that won't be the case) we get to spend eternity with each other in Heaven!

Blessed to be a Blessing

I'm so very happy and thankful when I can be a blessing to others and make people smile :]

http://victoriousliuser.blogspot.com/2011/12/childlike-faith.html

What I Want for Christmas

1) an end to sex trafficking
2) world peace
3) to be in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
4) to return to China on missions
5) to go on V-SET again next summer
6) that Sam would have a deeper love relationship with Jesus
7) that mom and dad would have enough money in case I cannot support them
8) greater personal faith in Jesus
7) a car

DONEEEEE!

PRAISE MY LORD JESUS!!! I'm finally done with my first quarter of Nursing graduate school at UCLA!!! ALL BY HIS GRACE. 'Tis been quite the journey. Many transitions, many blessings, struggles, ups and downs, battles. But now I can rest for a few weeks before it all begins again.

Spent a few hours this afternoon at the beauuuutiful Getty(sburg) Museum. The view was breath-taking. And the moon was so round and distinct! It was fun being at the museum with good funny company :]

Went back and had our Bruin ICA Christmas party. Thankful that people actually enjoyed my "lame" White Elephant gift that I whipped up last minute: anatomy coloring textbook, Pokemon collection book, a brand new HP computer mouse, a Christian magazine from Berkeley... all inside a bright yellow Trader Joe's whole grain cereal box haha! Plus, I added a handwritten poem :) Then some of us stayed after and watched Captain America.

Gonna head to bed soon and wind down. Reflect on today, this whole quarter, the year... God's been so good, constant, faithful. Last night I only got two hours of sleep, but for some reason my body hasn't shut down yet. I'm tired but it's like I still have some energy... strange.

Planning to wake up around 5:00am to watch the lunar eclipse! The action starts 4:45am when the earth first starts to cast its shadow on the moon, total eclipse begins at 6:06am and ends at 6:57am. Yup I did my research. Haha what can I say, I'm a quasi- stars and planets geek :P Well not really but I do appreciate and am super fascinated by space and stars and God's handiwork :D

Wow it feels soooo surreal that it's actually Winterbreak. Time seemed to have gone by slowly but at the same time, fast.

almost there

last night the last thing i read before bed was My Utmost For His Highest - Dec 7. the title was repentance.

spent a lot of time this morning in bed after waking up in repentance. prayed and read Psalm 51 and end of Psalm 139. prayed through Psalm 51.

thank You for your forgiveness, Jesus. Your kindness leads me to repentance. thanks for always letting me run back to You and welcoming me back with open arms.

now im at the Nursing lounge studying with two of my classmates, Mary and RJ. they're probably two of the oldest people in my program but they're soooo kind and awesome.

it's only 6:30pm and im already falling asleep! =/ just opened my 2nd can of Coke. tastes good but sooooo bad for your body. i can feel my teeth rotting as i consume this carbonated black-colored high fructose corn syrupy drink -___- but it contains caffeine so it's supposed to help keep me awake... at least a little? i dont drink coffee so i dunno how well caffeine actually works on me

two more exams tomorrow and then ill be DONEEEEE! oh joy

clinging onto Jesus as i push through. im almost there...

i feel like a fool. =(

sigh. sorry Jesus. back to where i should be... no more of this.

time for bed - new fresh start tomorrow.

JESUS I NEED HEALING PLEASE.

QT this afternoon at 433

Proverbs 4:23-27

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
Put away perversity from your mouth;
keep corrupt talk far from your lips.
Let your eyes look straight ahead,
fix your gaze directly before you.
Make level paths for your feet
and take only ways that are firm.
Do not swerve to the right or the left;
keep your foot from evil.


Proverbs 5:21-23

For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord,
and he examines all his paths.
The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him;
the cords of his sin hold him fast.
He will die for lack of discipline,
led astray by his own great folly.

help me

dear Jesus,

there is this one thing that I don't know exactly how to handle right now. i want to do the right thing outwardly and in my heart, and i always try to. but sometimes i seem to fail. the fortress ive tried so soooooo hard to build and maintain on my own... it's not so strong after all. im so weak and fragile. im really in need of Your help and strength, your discipline and Your grace.

Jesus, can You please show me the way? Guide me. i don't want to sin against you or anyone. cover us with Your mighty protection. i really don't want to fall...

help me, dear Lord. to fix my eyes my gaze on You alone.

Your daughter,
frances

4 exams until the end (of 1st qtr)!

things id rather be doing right now than study for final exams:

1) put my head down on this table where i am currently sitting in the library and stare outside the window and watch the green leaves on the trees
2) listen to michael bubble's "all I want for Christmas" over and over again
3) hangout! have fun! (not centered on academics)
4) praise and singgggg
3) take a nap - im sleepy -.- Zzzzz

but... im gonna go back to studying. study all for God's glory!

:]

michael bubble

Michael Bublé.

OH MY... I heard his voice for the first time tonight, and now I can't stop listening to his version of "All I Want for Christmas" on Youtube (even though I should be studying for my pathophysiology final exam.) It's so good! His voice ALMOST made my heart melt... ALMOST.

But it didn't.

I want Jesus to be the only one able to make my heart melt. And maybe my future husband.

Behold Jesus.

don't just try to see Him, behold Him.

awesome message from church today :]

我的♥家庭

♥ my precious and beautiful family

everything I do, I do for:
1) God's glory
2) mommy, daddy, Sam

Wow, can't believe it's already December!

Look Past the Face

http://www.theblazingcenter.com/2011/11/you-have-to-look-past-the-face.html

Good blog read that really spoke to and reminded me.

Stuck in My Head

He is exalted the King is exalted on High
I will praise Him
He is exalted forever exalted
And I will praise His name

He is the Lord
Forever His truth shall reign
Heaven and Earth
Rejoice in His holy name
He is exalted the King is exalted on high

Going to help with worship tomorrow night at our last ICA Large Group of the fall quarter at UCLA. Please pray that I may have a pure heart posture before the LORD, that I will not be self-conscious playing guitar in front of people, that I may worship Him in truth and spirit, and that everyone in the room may give Him SUPREME DEVOTION.

Praise the Lord, O my soul

Happy moments, praise GOD
Difficult moments, seek GOD
Busy moments, believe GOD
Quiet moments, worship GOD
Waiting moments, trust GOD
Painful moments, pray GOD
Lovely moments, thank GOD

Today I am thankful for my brother and sister Alan and Elaine - their counsel, their reminders and pointing me back to Truth, and their prayers :)

Thank You, sweet JESUS

Thanksgiving Alone

It's my first Thanksgiving away from home without my family. I'm sorta :( to be by myself but in some ways :) and thankful that the Spirit of the Lord is with me. I'm never truly alone.

I woke up this morning with something weighing on my heart, the same thing I was thinking/praying about before I went to sleep last night. Actually it's been on my mind for the past few days, I just don't really know what to do about it. Sometimes I think too much and waste a lot of time dwelling on the decision I made and questioning if it was wrong or right. I'm always afraid of saying or doing something that I shouldn't have, afraid of inflicting hurt or pain on others, most afraid of sinning against my GOD and displeasing Him. Sighhhh I don't want to think about it anymore... I really need to hear GOD's voice, I need wisdom and discernment, especially since I'm really no good and inexperienced in this "particular area"... Sighhh, maybe I'm also overthinking everything.

I'm so lost. I just want everything to be simple. Actually I don't know what I want anymore. I think I know but I actually don't really, maybe I never even really knew in the first place. Only GOD knows what's best and I need to keep believing in His Sovereignty and goodness, and that in His perfect timing things will be made known to me. Ecclesiastes 3:11. Until then I just need to keep waiting on the LORD. My soul waits and longs for JESUS. Only JESUS, give me JESUS. Proverbs 4:23

I checked my email this morning and someone had sent me this singing greeting card. Twas really sweet, I replayed it like 5 times:

Happy moments, praise GOD
Difficult moments, seek GOD
Busy moments, believe GOD
Quiet moments, worship GOD
Waiting moments, trust GOD
Painful moments, pray GOD
Lovely moments,thank GOD

This Thanksgiving, I've much to be thankful for. But I'm especially thankful for Jesus Christ and the presence of GOD.

I had a pretty memorable weekend. So many new things, yet so much grace. Thankful for my new friend, always makes me laugh. Praying a lot. Got back into running on Saturday and today (finally... I've been so busy :/)

I want to go to a carnival! :]

And I keep on having the song "Last Christmas" stuck in my head... arghhh

I love (and miss) you, Bishkek

It's 1:15am. I have a take-home midterm due first thing tomorrow morning and I'm not done with it, also need to write a paper and read 4 long chapters from my pathophysiology textbook... neither of which I know I will complete by tomorrow. All this due in the very near future, yet all that is on my mind and heart is Kyrgyzstan and how much I want to be in Bishkek right now... to be with my students and friends. Love them and miss them so much.

All I want for Christmas: be back in Bishkek.

Unlikely... but still, GOD can make it happen, if it's part of His will.

may Your Love fill the holes of my heart.

I need You more, more than yesterday, more than words can say...

V-SET 2011 Final Update/Reflection

Dearly Appreciated Family and Friends,

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your support, prayers, financial assistance, encouragement, and for reading my updates and responding via emails when I was on V-SET and even over the past couple weeks since I’ve been back! Sorry this final update took me so long to write and send out; I’ve been pretty busy the past few weeks being back. But I’m super thankful for this chance to give praise to God for all that He’s done this summer and so happy to share with you!

What are some highlights I want to remember forever? What am I thankful for?

1) God sovereignly hand-picked my K1 team of 8. Ed, Becky, Jeremy, Frances, Caleb, Samara, Joel, Eva. We’re all quite different and have interesting personalities ^.^ but God chose us to be a team and go to Bishkek, Almaty, and Beijing this summer to worship Him and to seek and save the lost

2) No major conflicts within the team. Everyone got along and had good attitudes for the most part, team unity, no complaining spirits even though there were many situations that could have “warranted” complaints

3) Seeing Aidai and Salta again!! – two of my faithful students who accepted Jesus one year ago on VSET! Catching up with them 1-on-1, worshipping with them at Vera Church and house church as SISTERS (one year ago they came to church for the first time as nonbelievers), seeing how they are enjoying their New Life in Christ and how much they desire to grow in their faith, despite opposition from family and friends – big praise to God!

4) Cholpon putting her faith in Jesus Christ! Cholpon is a dear student from Bishkek who invited me to sleepover and shared deeply with me about her family. I found out one morning in Almaty that she had made the decision to believe in Jesus, despite all the chaos and deep brokenness in her home. I literally jumped for joy because I had been praying for her salvation! And the cool thing was that God used me, my teaching partner Joel, K1 and K2 to bring her to Him! Please continue to remember Cholpon in your prayers as she recently told her mother about her decision to become a Christian and is now facing persecution and threats from her family (very reminiscent of Aidai and Salta’s situation this past year). Please pray for peace, healing, assurance of God’s love for her, and that she stands strong in her faith and not be shaken!

5) Meeting Wang Yu Han and leading her to Christ! I shared the Bridge with Yu Han in the cafeteria of LinDa in Beijing and she believed in Jesus and prayed the sinner’s prayer! She’s one of the F.A.T. (faithful, available, teachable) new believers that God’s blessed me with. I got to meet up with her many times afterwards to go through the 5 Assurances, Bible stories/passages, who Jesus is, the attributes of God, and pray together. We still keep in touch via email and she told me she prays every day and went to the Beijing ICA church last Sunday – PTL!

6) All the crazy stuff that happened but how GOD rescued us and provided a way out in each and every situation i.e. no plane tickets to Bishkek due to plane crash; 20hr crowded train ride from Lanzhou to Beijing + frantically stuffing heavy suitcases into the overhead compartment while tippy-toeing on top of the seats like an acrobat; losing our classrooms in Bishkek; landlord + wife yelling at us in Russian and almost needing to leave a day early from our apartment in Almaty; 54hr train ride from Urumqi to Beijing; walking in the pouring rain with our luggage for 3 hours the night we arrived in Beijing because no taxi (that would charge a legit price) would stop for us…

7) God is Sovereign and He answers prayers. In His wisdom and love, God sovereignly orchestrated every situation that happened or not happened on VSET. He saw us through every circumstance and was still in total control of everything. All of our VSET prayer items/faith goals and daily prayer requests were always answered as we called out to Him in total dependence each day, relying on His Spirit and not on our own flesh and understanding. What an awesome God we have!

8) All the souls that were saved this summer (172 total!) in Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Mongolia, China, and Turkey and how God still uses broken, messed-up, prideful, inadequate sinners like me and my teammates to lead people to Him (everyone on my team led at least one person to Christ this summer, and for three of them it was their first time!)

9) 1st Annual Outdoor Rally at Arbot in KZ. We sang VSET songs, did skits, and praised God openly in front of many students (as well as bystanders) who joined us on our last night in Almaty. I was really blessed that we were able to worship God at this public plaza in such a way. I remember walking off to the side by myself with my hands held up high to the Father under the stars in the big sky, praying over Almaty as Ed was playing “God of This City”

10) My precious students. I taught Red Class (most advanced) with Joel in Bishkek and Green Class (intermediate) with Caleb in Almaty. I’m so thankful for the relationships with my students, their hospitality, love, kindness, and the opportunity to share the Gospel with them. Also thankful for my teaching partners and our experiences teaching together. I love my students very much, pray for them, and email/facebook them often. I miss them a lot and look forward to seeing them again!

11) Tears. This summer I cried a lot because of various breakthroughs: God bringing me to a point of total surrender about everything in my life (specifically Nursing school), and how He wants to heal me to the uttermost from sins, hurts, fears that have been making me “invalid” for a long time (like the crippled man of 38 years from John 5 -Healing at the Pool). I cried when the Spirit gave me renewed conviction of my lifetime calling as a disciple of Jesus Christ. I cried when people rejected the Gospel and chose to continue chasing after false gods that do not give life and salvation (I physically felt sick to my stomach and wanted to vomit when one of my contacts who was a #3 told me a few days later that she no longer wanted to be a Christian; I literally felt my heart break for what breaks God’s heart). I cried tears of joy when I saw Aidai and Salta again, when I witnessed the faith of other young believers and the persecution they faced because of it, but how they still keep on believing – there’s no way they could deny Jesus. I was also moved to tears by how God was working in my teammates – bringing them out on VSET even though they were unsure how God would use them, how He was growing them in alacrity, humility, love, heart for the lost, acknowledgment of His presence in their lives. I felt like this summer I cried for the reasons that would make God cry, too.

12) Being able to go poo almost every day w/o huge problems! - many of my teammates had Big C (constipation) or Big D (diarrhea) so I truly am thankful to the Lord that I didn’t experience any major problems going #2.

How did God reveal Himself to me this summer? What else did I learn about myself and how I need to grow more?

God revealed Himself to me in powerful, heart-sinking ways this summer. I learned so much about myself, God’s heart for me and His people, and His character. I’ve known these lessons ever since I was a child, but this summer many of these Sunday school facts transferred from head knowledge to heart knowledge.

God is LOVE. My love relationship with God is the BEST and MOST IMPORTANT thing in my life. God’s love for me is so vast, so unconditional, so everlasting, constant, unfailing, unfathomable…that it doesn’t matter what man says or thinks about me. I don’t need the love or approval of man because I already have the love of God and His love is better than life (Psalm 63:3). Over the years, many idols have come and gone, but God’s love for me has remained and is inseparable (Romans 8:38-39). God thinks I am precious and honored in His sight (Isaiah 43:4) and I am His beautiful and delightful daughter. Nothing I do or don’t do can make Him love me any more or less than He already does. God loves Frances and I believe this in my heart!
Because of God’s great love for me, one of my faith goals this summer was to truly love my team and students deeply. I know from past experiences that if I loved out of my own effort or flesh, I’d inevitably fail and my love would soon run out. So I prayed daily that God would give me His supernatural love to love people, that I would rely on His Spirit to love, that I would die to myself and my desires, that my heart would not grow cold even if my love was not reciprocated. God totally answered my prayer. He helped me to love without expecting in return, to love regardless of how I felt about someone, to be quick to forgive and not hold any offenses, to keep loving even though I felt frustrated or annoyed or hurt, to give generously and not hold back, to love my sisters by supporting them and to love my brothers by submitting and encouraging them… all because God first loved me (1John4:10). Constantly pouring out was not easy, and there were definitely times when I failed in loving and fell into self-centered thinking, listing out the ways in which I was not being ministered unto, feeling like I was receiving the short end of the stick (I had to repent in my heart a lot of this selfish thinking). But whenever I thought about Jesus and all that He suffered for me because He loved me, it really compelled me to keep going. Jesus is totally WORTHY. Loving Him was my motivation to keep on loving others.

God is SOVEREIGN. God is in control of everything, He knows what He is doing and He is wise. He makes no mistakes. He even allowed “bad things” to happen (more like difficult, unexpected, sometimes even painful situations) because He loves me (Romans 8:28) and wants me to trust Him fully, to look to Him alone for peace, comfort, love, approval, to make me stronger, to grow me to be more like Jesus. In everything I endured (the good, bad, fun, hard), I was never alone – God was right by my side.

God is HUMBLE. Jesus was very humble and never took pride in anything. He was so focused on God and doing His will that he didn’t care to be understood by man, nor did he think about his own comfort or reputation. He did not defend himself or retaliate when people hurt, insulted, accused, even betrayed or disowned him. He came into this evil corrupt world to serve, even though He Himself was the Great King… I really want to be just like Jesus!
This summer God put me in hard situations where I had to humble myself to respond lovingly, patiently, graciously in tough situations, to teammates, leaders, students and not respond pridefully out of the flesh. Of course there were times when I failed and allowed pride to get the better of me, but God reminded me again and again to not minister to myself, to not speak out of impulse, anger, or flesh; to die to my sense of justice/vindication; to not be quick to judge or point out sin/pride in others because I too am sinful (see the plank in own eye before speck in others’); to be quick to forgive as well as quick to confess my own sins and ask God for forgiveness; to clothe myself with kindness, humility, and patience (Colossians 3:12).
I know God is continually breaking down any form of PRIDE in me. Over the past 2 years I’ve come to learn that I have a lot of deep-seeded pride, that pride is a very destructive sin and God HATES it. Because He loves me He wants to remove all the impurities, wrong motives, selfish desires, need of approval so that I could be filled by His Spirit and so He could use me in fruitful ways for His kingdom. Though the process of pride-killing is painful, it is good and God gives MUCH grace. I’ve often clung onto 1 Peter 5:5 – God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.
By His grace, one way that I really tried to love my team this year was by responding well. In many situations, God told me to humble myself by remaining silent and not saying anything in return (i.e. when I was corrected, slighted, disrespected, teased, annoyed, etc). In the past, I would be quick to open my mouth to defend myself, judge others, try to make people understand me, want to have the last word... but God reminded me that He sees my heart, my intentions, that He alone is the fair Judge. I don’t need to explain myself to people and be understood by them. By keeping quiet and not expressing frustration, I also practiced letting things go, to not be calculative, and not keep record of wrongs.

God is POWERFUL. He alone is the One who is capable and almighty. He’s the One doing all the work of saving souls. He used my teammates and me for big things and in big ways this summer. Even though I was sick with fever and bedridden in Bishkek, God allowed my students to come to me so I could share the Gospel Bridge with them. Even though I was ill and quite distraught one day in Almaty, God gave still granted me the strength and focus to teach my huge Green Class at Panfilov Park. Even though many of my teammates were also sick, fatigued, and at times discouraged, that did not thwart God’s work. He still operated in and through all of us and used us to bring souls to Him.

God is so loving and awesome. I really thank Him for changing my heart, stretching me, and growing me in the areas of faith, humility, grace, love, and responding well. But I am convicted that these are the very areas that I also need to grow more in and am thankful for opportunities in the coming year where I can do that. This summer God also helped me fight against a need to be loved/liked/approved by others (old tendencies from childhood) but to just seek the approval of my Father, to live before an audience of One and be secure in my identity as His beloved child. I'm thankful for the victories I've experienced but I know I’m constantly in need of His grace and guidance!

What did you learn about being a missionary and how God is calling you to missions?

It’s not about what or how much we can do. God looks at the heart. It’s ALL God doing the work of saving anyway – were are merely the tools through which He works and reveals Himself. God doesn’t need us but He wants us. No one is “worthy” to be a missionary but He still chooses the weak, inadequate, simple to do His work of proclaiming the Gospel to the lost – just like how He used me and my teammates this summer.

We are ALL God’s missionaries. The first and foremost calling/mission of every missionary is to be a lifetime follower of Jesus Christ – to love Him with all our hearts and to make Him known. I know I have been called. The whole world is a mission field – not just KG, KZ, MG, China, and Turkey. People need the Lord everywhere (heck yes in America too!!). The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few.

Life of a missionary means: Steadfast in WORD and PRAYER. Total reliance on the Lord 24/7 (not on self, own effort, experience, ability, training…) Constant heart of surrender. Utter self-abandonment. Letting go of all idols. Be content and satisfied in whatever God calls you to do, wherever He calls you to go, at any time. Be joyful and find hope in Christ alone. Obey and choose God’s way – the way of the cross. Truly broken heart for the lost. Sacrificial love for God, people and their souls.

** Even though it is my heart’s desire to be back in Kyrgyzstan or China right now to disciple my girls and to share the Gospel with the lost there, God is calling me to be surrendered about this desire to be overseas right now. For whatever reason, He is calling me to stay here in America and go to Nursing school at UCLA for the next 2 years. At the moment, this is not really what I “want” and it’s challenging, as I would much rather be with my girls overseas and physically be there for them as they grow in their faith and relationship with Jesus. Or even stay in Norcal and help out in ministry with my Berkeley ICA family (I’m so sad to leave, I’ll miss them so much). I have my own fears about moving down to LA for nursing school, to be in a new environment with new people. Also fearful that Nursing might become too demanding of my time or a possible idol and rob me of my devotion to God and to ministry. But God is telling me to cast all these fears and anxieties onto Him, to be strong and courageous and not be afraid because He is with me (Joshua 1:9). Though it’s hard for me, I want to listen to Him – to obey and to go forth in faith. LA is also God's mission field, people there need the Gospel too, and God's calling me to be salt and light to the lost down there.

What are some things God is saying loud and clear to you? What things do you want to do to obey Him?

1) Keep doing the work of BELIEVING in Jesus Christ: falling at His feet and casting all my fears and anxieties onto Him, taking Jesus at His word, claiming the Truth and His promises, trusting God with all my heart and leaning not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5-6), placing no confidence in my own weak sinful flesh (Phil 3) but constantly relying on the Spirit. Allowing Jesus to sit on the throne of my heart and have full reign, rule, and authority.

2) Having a constant heart of surrender over all areas of my life and obeying God immediately and at all costs. Choosing to listen to God’s voice and do everything His way, in His timing, for His glory. Only at the point of total surrender can I experience absolute freedom and peace in Christ.

3) Growing in intimacy with my Heavenly Father. Loving God first and making Him my #1 (Deut 6:5), being devoted and committed to Jesus alone and becoming more like Him. Spending daily quality time with God in the Word (Jesus lived by the Word, even when he was tempted He used Scripture to combat the evil one) and in prayer (Jesus often retreated by himself to pray to God and always referred to Him as “Father” because they had that close intimate relationship)

4) Pursuing holiness because God is holy. (Leviticus 19:2) This means being ruthless with sin issues, especially pride, idolatry, fear of man, unbelief, and legalism. I’ve always liked the 6th Beattitude: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” Growing especially in the areas of love and humility – Jesus is the epitome of these two things (Phil 2).

5) Keep on loving others wholeheartedly out of the Holy Spirit, with no expectation of being ministered unto. Look to the interests of others (Phil 2:4). Be faithful in prayer for my VSET students and contacts, churches and workers overseas, teammates, roommates, family and friends in SF, Berkeley ICA, Bruin ICA, Lutheran Church of the Holy Spirit/LWF, nursing colleagues at UCLA, people God puts on my heart.

6) Make Jesus known. The Great Commission – Matthew 28:19-20. Evangelize on campus, make disciples, share my testimony and life journey with Jesus, proclaim Christ’s love and the Good News to friends, classmates, students on campus, anyone and everyone. Jesus is too awesome to be kept a secret – the world needs Jesus NOW!

Thank you so much again for reading this and for all your prayers. I sincerely appreciate you and would love to hear how you’re doing, how I can be supporting you and praying for you as well. I will be moving down to LA on September 14 so please email/call me if you would like to get together to catch up and share about the great things God’s been doing in our lives! To Him be all the glory!


With Love and Gratitude,
Frances :)

♫ In Christ Alone ♫

In Christ alone, my hope is found


He is my light, my strength, my song


This cornerstone, this solid ground


Firm through the fiercest drought and storm


What heights of love, what depths of peace


When fears are stilled, when strivings cease


My comforter, my all-in-all


Here in the love of Christ I stand


There in the ground His body lay


Light of the world by darkness slain


Then bursting forth in glorious day


Up from the grave He rose again!

And as He stands in victory


Sin’s curse has lost its grip on me


For I am His and He is mine


Bought with the precious blood of Christ


No guilt in life, no fear in death


This is the power of Christ in me


From life’s first cry to final breath


Jesus commands my destiny


No power of hell, no scheme of man


Can ever pluck me from His hand


Till He returns or calls me home


Here in the power of Christ I’ll stand

One of my favorite hymns :]

My, how he grows.

His last night of being 13

The day we went to the Main Library and had lasagna at night while watching HSM3


Enjoying my famous homemade shrimp and broccoli alfredo while our folks were still out of the country


Sam's 8th grade graduation


The day he turned 14 - surprised him in Science class :)


Little brother, I'm soooo gonna miss you over the next 2 years (and possibly the next 2 months when I'm overseas). Keep growing to know Jesus more and more!

Love,
♥Sis

The Day of the Lord

I'm really looking forward to the Day when:

"The arrogance of man will be brought low and the pride of men humbled; the Lord alone will be exalted in that day, and the idols will totally disappear." Isaiah 2:17-18

O glorious day!


"Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?" Isaiah 2:22

Word.

Beach with my Lover.

Yeah I think that was one of the big highlights of my day. Today was yet again long, tired, busy. But in the end all that was needed to be done was done for the most part, all by God's grace.

Sam graduated from middle school today -- he played in the orchestra AND sang in choir AND was a graduation speaker. Way to go, overachieving little bro. I was the family cameraman who recorded stuff and took pics. There were a couple times during the ceremony where I felt so emotional and wanted to tear up. I literally watched my cutie-pie baby brother grow up before my eyes... and now he's 14, finishing middle school, and about to start a new chapter of his life as he tackles through the next 4 years of a jungle called HIGH SCHOOL. After family lunch celebration at our old time favorite Our Court's Cafe on Clement St, I went to CCSF (my last day) for a recital in my keyboard harmony class. Then afterwards I had to rush back to Sam's school via bus (cuz I dont got my own car yet but that might change in a month or two) to drop off my camera so he could take pics at his 8th grade dinner dance.

Finally when all my obligations of the day were fulfilled, I spontaneously hopped on the 38 Geary bus and eventually ended up at Ocean Beach. It was super windy and cold at the beach, but at the same time it was also clear and lovely with blue skies and sunshine :) I wanted to watch the sunset.

It was at the beach that I met with my Lover. There I sang Him praises while listening to mp3 player and prayed outloud to Him for a long time. There's been lots on my mind these days, but now was alone time with my Lover. I also prayed a long time for someone whom I don't know yet, but will soon enter my life in God's perfect timing :)

Didn't quite get to see the sunset. I was getting super cold (I had dressed relatively light because it was more warm and sunny early in the day during graduation) and my parents wanted me home soon (dad told mom about this girl in Oakland who got shot the other day riding her bike or something. Gee thanks for the 411, dad -___-) So I went home.

But the alone time at the beach with God was good. Try it sometime :)

Just had an awesome 3-hour convo online with JSF.

Sooooo blessed to have you in my life! ♥

*SUPER BIG CAL BEAR HUG*

It's Finished.

I'm finally done, at least for this semester. Had my last final exam this morning and I just emailed my last assignment to my professor. WOOOEY -- my brain is DEEP-FRIED and I'm quite exhausted, not just from school but everything else too. But now I can finally (physically) rest. Thanks for all the prayers everyone! I know many of you have been praying for me these past few days and I do appreciate you all deeply from my heart!

♥ And now I'm going to run off with my Lover and talk to Him ~ thank Him, confide in Him, sing praises to Him, read His sweet words... ♥

And then it's gonna be nappy-time :] I think I only slept like 2.5 hours last night...

(-.-)Zzzzz

God is so good.

They Are Home.

Can't say I'm totally relieved though. It's been a stressful evening, especially the past few hours waiting for them to call me because I had no idea when they were landing. Their flight got cancelled? switched? delayed? I don't even know... called the airline company and they told me that the flight should have landed this afternoon at 4pm. I was like wtheck??? Ugh.. where are they? Why didn't they call.. But whatevers... important thing is that now they are home, safe and sound. Thank God.

In the meantime, I started to develop a slight throbbing headache, probably due to all this pent-up stress that's accumulated, not to mention the mega rush from taking 2 exams today and the lack of sleep last night. To make things worse, Sam literally sneezed like 78 times tonight (and counting) ever since he came back from school. Said his orchestra stand partner got him sick. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel sickly/sneezy myself. Really hope I don't get sick right now -- 8:00am final tomorrow morning!!

After hugging my mom and exchanging a few words with her, I told her I'll talk to her more tomorrow. There's much that I want to say and tell her - esp about everything that's been going on the past 2 weeks - but I purposely left it at just a few words. I knew that if I said anything more, I would end up tearing up and that would make my mom feel really bad, and I don't want that. I know I must be careful with my words and bite my tongue and not say things rashly or out of impulse or emotion or even end up getting mad and taking my frustrations out on mom. She's my beloved 媽媽! God, please give me wisdom, discernment, humility and help me to love and respect 媽媽, especially when I catch up with her tomorrow/during the week. But for now, back to studying for Physiology...

GAHHH MY BRAIN IS SOOOOOO FRIED!!! "@__%"

Last Night of Parentless

The past two weeks have been far from easy for me. When my parents first told me a couple months back that they were going to be gone for 2 weeks in May and it would just be me and Sam in the house, I was all excited and celebrating and "Whoohoo-ing", thinking that this freedom/independence would be quite enjoyable and that taking care of Sam would be a piece of cake. After all, I have been such a good and responsible and capable big sister to Sam for the past 14 years (and still am), I pridefully thought outloud to myself and to my parents. And so I reassured my folks that everything will be a-okay and that I'll have everything under control and that they have nothing to worry about... Boy was I wrong.

Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.

For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.

I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.

Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!

I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.

I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!

God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.

Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)

When “Doing Good” Isn’t Really “Doing Good.”

Really awesome read on LOVE (no not the romantic type per se... more like on loving God and loving others). Taken from Donald Miller's blog. Check it out.

http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/

Psalm 23 - Rewritten

God is my Perfect Lover and Provider, I shall not desire love from people
He makes me lie down in peace and quiet, in deep solitude and serenity
He restores my tired, crazy, mad, anxious, disquieted soul
He guides me to do the right things because He is holy
Even though this is sucky right now and I'm feeling a mix of emotions that fluctuate like crazy and I'm so distracted,
I won't be afraid. Thank God You're with me. Your word and Your promises and love comfort me.
You give me opportunities to reconcile and resolve conflicts with those whom I struggle to get along with, love, and forgive
You always give me the best, my life overflows with Your blessings
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And forever I will be with You, my Lord and my God

Day 6 of Parentless

Woke up around 9am this morning, even though I think I went to bed really late last night, like close to 4am I think! I don't even remember what time. But I stayed up watching LOTR: The Two Towers (extended DVD version). Just finished Disc 1, half-way there. I've been meaning to watch that after watching LOTR: The Fellowship of the Rings. Plus, I really wanted to get my mind off something so I figured a good movie would help...

I guess I'm sorta tired but I'm okay. Did Bible study with Sam before he took off to meet his friends at Beach Chalet. Such a busy 8th grader, that boy. Yesterday he just came back from his 8th grade class trip to Six Flags Marine World, and today he's going to his friend's bday party at Great America and not coming back till late. But I'm kinda glad that there's so much going on for him. I want him to have fun and enjoy his last days of middle school. But yeah... was super glad to have the chance to study God's Word with him this morning through examining Apostle Peter and his character. (Last night I attended my friends' fellowship in Chinatown and we did a character study on Peter through difference passages of the Bible. I thought it was a very good study so I wanted to share that with Sam.)

Heading out to Berkeley later this afternoon. Gonna catch up with some people so pretty looking forward to that, and then I'll be sleeping over in Emeryville at Vicky's with Moon (wish Michelle was there!!!). Girls' night = fun fun fun! :D

Was listening to this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story (a few of my friends posted stuff on their fb so I decided to check it out). Hearing the story behind her song, I was touched by this quote:
"Could God possibly be blessing us through NOT giving us the things we are praying for?"

Was chatting with a friend online on the topic of surrender. He shared:

just fyi
if you ever get to the point where it is clear that you're not going to get it
either in a specific instance or overall
then if you've been preparing your heart for that
there's a certain quiet satisfaction at least
in that peace

Well, whatever that's going to happen... I know that I am blessed.

[singing this is my heart at 1:45am in the morning]

you are God in Heaven and here am I on earth
so I'll let my words be few
Jesus I am so in love with You ♥

Day 4 and 5 of Parentless

So Day 4 is meshed with Day 5 (today) of being parentless because Blogger wouldn't allow me to make a blog post yesterday -____- (some maintenance thing going on)

But all I pretty much wanted to say about Day 4 (yesterday) was that I'm feeling SUPER DUPER tiiiiired. Exhausted. Mostly physically but I think mentally spent as well. 'Tis just been a long week and there was sorta a lot of stuff happening and things I had to do. Make payments online, make phone calls (sometimes it seems like my home phone won't stop ringing!!! ugh so annoying), run to the bank, run errands for parents, make sure the house is kept tidy and clean, attend Sam's concert, wake up to make him breakfast and lunch and prepare dinner at night, wash up the pots and dishes and utensils after (well I try to get Sam to help out too), go to my own classes, study for exams (of which I had 2 this week and 2 more next week), run experiment for final Physio project, catch up with people, practice piano for final recital, stop by Sam's school because he forgot something @___@, worry about him when it was dark and he still wasn't home yet... But yeahhh, I haven't felt this tired in a long time now. So pooped out.

I think I'm even sliiightly stressed and on the brink of getting sick. My back is stiff and feeling a bit headachy. But despite all of this, I need to make time for GOD and put Him as #1 ("it's all about the will"). And I need to REST in His Spirit.

I'm gonna do devotion now... and then take a nap. Be back later.

5:10
Wow, what an unrestful nap -_____- It took me a long time to fall asleep for some odd reason (I actually don't even remember if I even slept). And I kept feeling cold, until the moment I decided to get out of bed. I dislike the feeling of coldness. Sigh, might be feeling cold because I didn't really eat lunch. So I warmed up some rice and vegetables. Great... now I need to wash a full sink-load of pots and dishes. Did I mention that today is Friday the 13th? (not that that has any bearing on the outcome of events of today or anything, since I don't believe in superstition...)

Ahhhh I feel so off right now! @__________@

Day 3 of Parentless

woke up 7:15am (yes! ptl). prayed and recited Psalm 23 in bed before i got up. made sure Sam had breakfast. fixed him lunch. now im reviewing bank statements and making payments online... kinda headachy.

wow life of a "grown-up".

looks sad and gray and gloomy outside... we'll see how the day unfolds.

Day 2 of Parentless

wow God, I'm such a lousy sisterMOM =(

this morning I totally overslept (again) and woke up at 8:00am. as a consequence, Sam had no breakfast, no lunch, plus he was gonna be late for his 0° choir class. i jumped outta bed and was gonna drive Sam to school, remembering that daddy's car was parked in our garage... but only to discover that another car was blocking our driveway! so Sam ended up taking the bus and was all flustered and mad at me, threatening to tell Mom about everything =/ i gave him $3 for lunch (yeahh lunch is relatively cheap(er) for middle schoolers), wrote a note to his teacher and prayed to God that he would not be terribly late for choir (another tardy and he will not be able to graduate, he claims!) as Sam scrambled out the door.

the whole day at school was sorta blahhh for me too. i was like the girl with a broken smile. just feeling pretty out of it and not cheerful or chirpy. just feeling blahhhh and sighing a lot. except during Quiet Times/journaling in the library. ahh that was when my mind was FINALLY at peace and rest -- because I was with the Lord. because I drew near to Him and called on Him earnestly, desperately. i asked for Him to save me because i felt sooooo tired from this "current struggle". i meditated on Psalm 23 yet again today and even rewrote it using my own words in light of the current situation I'm in and what I've been feeling.

couldn't really concentrate that much the rest of the day. i whizzed through chemistry hw, only cuz it was gonna be due in like an hour.. not really paying attention to how to draw certain molecules and make particular reactions because my heart just wasn't into it. prolly big mistake since my last midterm for chem is this thursday.. oh wellz. kinda struggled to pay attention in class too. kept zoning out on my profs =/ (WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME??!! I DONT WANNA BE A BAD STUDENT!!) keep getting distracted... which really sucks...

i breathed a huge sigh (of relief) as class finally ended for the day at 3:30pm. on the bus ride home i get a call from someone who i havent spoken to in a loooong time. i was actually feeling a little anxious about our conversation all morning and had to bring it to the Lord in prayer a few times. told that person i was on the bus and would call when i got home. we ended up talking for ~1.5 hours. twas good. hard at certain points but good. praise the LORD. im glad we talked, i had been meaning to have this conversation for weeks now. *huge sigh of relief*

then i went to Sam's last orchestra concert of his middle school career at 7pm. (when his little buddies saw me, they were like "HI SAM'S SISTER!!!" haha cute) then we bussed home, i fixed him dinner as he took a shower (Burmese coconut chicken noodles, again), watched some videos together on Youtube, and now it's bedtime for both of us.

better day tomorrow please, God. please please make me into a better big sister. and please give my soul rest so i won't think so much about you-know-what. without You, i just fail miserably. thanks.

Day 1 of Parentless

Good Morning God. The next two weeks I think I'm going to try to retreat with You.

Wow the sun is shining so brightly outside my window. I love it. TYG.

Last night we set our alarm clock to get up at 6:30am this morning. I was kinda bad.. couldn't wake up and get out of bed until ~1 hr after =/ Consequentially, Sam got up and made his own lunch. Sam's such a good boy, I'm so proud of him. Need to be a better sisterMOM tomorrow and the rest of the 2 weeks. Earlier bedtime tonight. I've been thinking about so many things lately -- blows my mind!

10:00pm. Mom and Dad just left for the airport.

Sam and I are going to pray for them right now.

Hello Freedom for the next 2 weeks.

one thing i ABSOLUTELY HATE: when my parents fight. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE. and hate is a strong word that i rarely use. but i do HATE IT when they argue intensely.

sorry for all the ranting and complaining but ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

parents' issues + my own current struggles = UGH right now

ive gotta 390AWURHJAEO04RHJFDUE899FR00DA in my heart. kinda like i want to EXPLODE. pissed off. disappointed. sorry. feeling bad for a lousy attitude and sharp, haughty, prideful tone of voice. scared. sad. nervous. butterflies in stomach. tired. worn out. sometimes i reaaally just wanna SCREEEEAM or RUNNN or PUNCHHH AND BREAKKK SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey God, what are You trying to teach me through all this? what are You saying?

super looking forward to serenity the next 2 weeks. just me + Sam.

5/9 - 5/23.

God even though things are semi sucky right now, please give me the faith so that my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be Your Name

Thank You God for encouraging me tonight at Living Word Fellowship via something Dorian said. To my surprise, he had kept something I gave him as encouragement years ago before he left for Marine Corps training. Tonight as we were going around sharing updates and struggles and how we were doing, he flipped open his Bible and shared the Bible verse I had written.

He read outloud this verse to Douglas (a younger brother who's currently struggling through some stuff) from Jeremiah 29:11-14 -- 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD.

I was moved to tears. I was also really touched when he volunteered to pray for me after I shared. [Arghhh, my eyes have been wet all week] I'm really thankful for the presence of caring (big) brothers (and sisters) in my life.

Stopped by Jack in the Box on my drive home tonight because I was getting a cramp from not having eaten much during dinner. What can I say... didn't really have appetite again. But the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and curly fries hit the spot, though I felt kinda lightheaded immediately after consumption.

Nothing like driving 75mph on the freeway on a Friday night. Love it. Wish I could do it more often and for longer period of time. I really like driving. I should become a driver.

UGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

-________-

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Read this quote off someone's blog today:

"Never make someone your priority when they only make you an option."

=/ I don't really know how to decipher this quote. Because I'm asking how do you know if someone sees you as an option rather than a priority?

Mmph, I'm guessing this quote is probably in the context of love and romance (I could be wrong)... but whatever it is I'm glad that Jesus always makes us His #1 priority and so that's why it's always safe and the best way to make Him our priority as well. In so doing we will never get hurt or lose. It's a win-win situation.

Happy 14th Birthday, Sam!

HEY SAMMYBOY!

So thankful that you came into my life 14 years ago! You're truly one of the best things God ever gave me! So glad that you were surprised today in school and that you loved the backpack I got you and that all your friends enjoyed the popsicles, especially on such a HOTTT day :D I really thought long and hard and wanted to make this year's birthday super special and memorable for you! Praise God for today :]

YOU ROCK SAM!!! Don't let anyone tell you or let you think otherwise!

Love you soooooo sooooo much, with all my heart! ♥♥♥♥♥

Your loving big sis and 家姐,
<3 Frances

My Beloved

I read this on the bus ride home from school today. It stung my heart and made tears well up behind my eyes.

---A radiant bride greeted her guests with a brilliant smile as she entered the reception hall after the wedding ceremony. She gracefully moved and milled about the room, the train of her stunning white gown flowing along the floor behind her, her veil cascading down her button-adorned back.

She conversed with each guest one by one, taking the time to mingle and soak up the compliments. "You look absolutely lovely." "Your dress is divine." "I've never seen a more beautiful bride." "What a stunning ceremony." The lavish praises rang on and on. The bride couldn't be more proud or more appreciative of the crowd's adoration. She could have listened to them swoon over her all evening. As a matter of fact, she did.

But where was the groom? All the attention focused on the bride and never once did she call upon anyone's attention to her husband. She didn't even notice his absence at her side. Scanning the room, I searched for him, wondering, "Where could he be?"

I finally found him, but not where I expected him to be. The groom stood alone over in the corner of the room with his head down. As he stared at his ring, twisting the gold band that had just been placed on his finger by his bride, tears trickled down his cheeks and onto his hands. That is when I noticed the nail scars. The groom was Jesus.

He waited, but the bride never once turned her face toward the groom. She never held His hand. She never introduced the guests to Him. She operated independently of Him.

I awoke from my dream with a sick feeling in my stomach. "Lord, is this how I made you feel when I was looking for love in all the wrong places?" I wept at the thought of hurting Him so deeply.

Unfortunately, this dream illustrates exactly what is happening between God and millions of His people. He betroths Himself to us, we take His name (as "Christians"), and then we go about our lives looking for love, attention, and affection from every source under the sun except from the Son of God, the Lover of our souls.

Oh, how Jesus longs for His own to acknowledge Him, to introduce Him to our friends, to withdraw to be alone with Him, to cling to Him for our identity, to gaze longingly into His eyes, to love Him with all our heart and soul.---

from Every Woman's Battle by Shannon Ethridge

I think the parts that struck me the most were tears trickling down my sweet Jesus's face and looking for love in all the wrong places. You could say that I'm currently (still) struggling with that. It's sad because I really felt that lately I've been doing quite "well" with the Lord. For a decent amount of time, I sincerely felt that I finally felt so secure in my identity as a beloved precious child of God, that nothing else in the world mattered or can even compare to knowing God and His great Love for me. I was so satisfied in Jesus alone and I felt content. For the most part, I felt free of distractions or obstacles. And this brought me tremendous joy and peace. It was like rainbows and sunshine, and I was very happy. I had Jesus, and that was enough.

But recently though, something kinda happened (not necessarily a "bad" thing per se) and because of that, I've been noticing old habits and unhealthy thought-tendencies creeping up and even getting the best of me at times. I think I've also been falling prey to the cunning lies that Satan's been trying to implant into my head. As a result, I began to notice that the "Yay, I'm doing well with the Lord!" kinda feeling gradually waning... Very quickly, I detect that something is wrong. It's been pretty tough dealing with how I'm feeling because I don't like the feeling. It makes me nervous and not want to eat, sometimes it wants to consume me. Above all, it competes with my thoughts of Christ - and I always want to be thinking about Jesus. I wholeheartedly want to respond and deal with what I'm going through in the right and holy way that's pleasing to God. Consequentially, there has been a lot of self-condemnation going on because I find myself constantly failing to do what I myself have deemed as "holy" and "right". But God in His grace also enabled me to notice the pride in thinking that 1)I was doing pretty well with Him and 2)I needed to "handle the situation" in the holy and right way, aka perfectly. I'm really humbled to find that I actually cannot do a lick of it by myself, despite my best intentions or noble efforts. I'm really weaksauce and certainly not in the least bit perfect! Rather, it's all God and I really need Him. Hah I guess this is already common sense to a lot of people but I'm actually just beginning to learn right now that it's really really really difficult - sometimes impossible - to control your thoughts and emotions and feelings, which is what I have been almost relentlessly trying to do lately. I'm comforted to know that having certain feelings aren't sinful. What matters is what you do about them and how you respond to them. In my case, this is where surrender comes in. It's really weird but the past few days alone have been quite a roller coaster ride in terms of my thoughts and feelings and even physiological symptoms (i.e. appetite). But I praise God because even through this He is wanting me to learn something and see Him more. Even through this He can and is bringing glory to Himself. Jesus knows I am struggling and He knows that this is hard for me. He knows because He has been through every temptation that is known to man (thanks for the reminder Moon!) and He empathizes with me very much. And the most comforting thing to know is that Jesus DOES NOT condemn me! He does not shake His head in disappointment or point His finger at me or reprimand me (my mom does this sometimes heh - all 3!- though I know she loves me a lot) for what I'm feeling because He loves me and He understands. He just wants me to keep turning to Him constantly because He is there for me. He wants my heart, not what I have to offer or sacrifice, not even the 2-year commitment I made for Him out of a genuine heart. He doesn't want me to try so hard just to keep my word or for me to be perfect or feel badly about myself for failing. He just wants ME - Frances Lai Ting Leong - because He loves me.

*Constant reminder to self: I don't need to be looking for love elsewhere. I don't need to compare myself or try to impress anyone or prove that I am deserving of love or do anything to be accepted. I've already found my Love and am loved so perfectly in return.

"I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine." -- Song of Songs 6:3

current status: learning SURRENDER.

it's never an easy thing to do but it's always worth it because *What you gain is far far farrrr greater and better than the seemingly super duper important "i really want this" thing that you give up.

*What = JESUS!

just wanna send a shout-out to my sisters out there (you know who you are): thank you for loving me, encouraging me, PRAYING for me, and reminding me that there is beauty in my heart only because God is beautiful and i was created in His glorious image! as of right now, im feeling a bit better :] praise God because my appetite finally returned and i was able to eat dinner tonight --> twas PIZZA (yummay!)... and y'all do know that i am normally quite the big eater :P

man, why am I so awkward sometimes?? feeling slightly weaksauce, embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed in myself right now... sometimes feelings and emotions really suck. oh Jesus, help me.

"I desire what God desires, and that's inward beauty, chasteness, innocence, simplicity."

Dilemma: need to decide whether to go to this place or that place tomorrow evening. whatever i choose, i want to do it for all the right reasons that are pleasing and glorifying to God, not for my own selfish or even prideful reasons or motives. for Your sake Lord, and for the sake of Your people. need to pray and ask God to search my heart. need to hear from Him.

Prince William is getting married tomorrow to Kate Middleton at Westminster Abbey. Aww I really like weddings. Hmmm I wonder when it will be my turn...

Okay... back to eyes on Jesus alone!!!

A Special Good Friday to Remember

Good Friday: the day that my Savior was tortured and suffered big time and died on the cross for my sins, my guilt, my shame -- for ME. Let us remember Jesus and His great sacrifice ♥

Today is also definitely a Good Friday to remember because of what happened tonight in Tad's Steakhouse in downtown, SF. I cried tears of joy (and it's been weeks since I've cried actually!) just listening to my sisters Michelle, Vicky, and Moon share about what's been happening in their lives. Even though on the surface it may seem like sucky things or how things don't turn out the way they desperately want, I definitely see God being powerfully at work in their lives and I feel and see His amazzzzzing love so evident in the lives of my beloved sisters. I was just so overwhelmed by His love that it moved me to tears. Hah, me crying inadvertently started a cascade because Moon started to cry as she was trying to comfort me and then Vicky got teary-eyed. Michelle didn't cry (yet). But later on even Michelle had tears welled up in her eyes.

God, you are just beyond words. You are so powerful and mighty! And You are absolutely sovereign! Thanks so much for loving us in the ways you do and loving us so perfectly. You are PERFECT for each of us. Your Love is enough. You Alone are enough. Thank you X infinity for sending us Jesus Christ who took our place on the cross so that we could be beautiful, free of shame, no longer prisoners to sin or the law, so that we could have this eternally glorious love relationship with You forever and ever! Thank You for the cross, Lord.

“God is teaching me that it's not about me. I need to be faithful, and He will speak through me. I'm not going to worry so much about being successful or relevant. I want to awaken in my generation something that's been dead. I want to make the Word flesh and blood for my generation, to show them that living out the Gospel is something greater and more mysterious, with more adventures than we've learned." - Bethany Dillon

Amen sister!

P.S. Please let me know if you would like a copy of my V-SET (Volunteer Summer English Teachers) 2011 summer mission support letter! Thanks :)

"Make Holy Week Holy to the Lord"

Make Holy Week Holy to the Lord

April 17, 2011 | by: John Piper | Category: Commentary
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The week between Palm Sunday and Easter is not intrinsically holy, except that all time is holy, since it belongs to God. But we can make it holy by setting it apart for sacred focus.

May I encourage you to do that, for the sake of seeing more of the greatness of Christ. He reveals himself through his word. Take up his word and focus your attention on him in his last hours. Set aside some time this week to fix your gaze steadily on him as he loves you to the uttermost (John 13:1).

The passages in the Gospels that record his final hours are:

* Matthew 26:17-28:20
* Mark 14:21-16:8
* Luke 22:1-24:53
* John 13:1-21:25

You may find that a volcano erupts in your soul. Like it did for me 28 years ago.

Could I talk to you sometime this afternoon?
About some things I know I'm reading into
Because you and me come at this differently
And I'm just trying to be honest with you
Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever
Hold on to forever
You could be the one
Yeah, I get it
Go change the subject
But I can't forget how much this seems to fit
When you feel this way
Everything sounds so cliche
But I'll try to explain my side of this
Now that I've found you in the most unexpected places
You were right in front of my face
You could be the one that I could hold on to forever
Hold on to forever
You could be the one
Maybe you are the kind that doesn't want to say it
I should just let you be
But maybe if I spoke up that would be enough
To give my mind some peace

You Could Be The One - Bethany Dillon

I had forgotten that I liked this song. Waiting for that day :)

Breaking 6

Congrats to my baby brother Sam who ran under 6 minutes on the mile at today's track meet!!! His time was 5:57. Even I've never broken 6 on the mile before! So proud of that little dude, who's growing up (by God's grace) into quite a fine young man, if I do say so myself >.<

But sitting on the bleachers today at Kezar, watching the little Presidio middle schoolers run and cheering them on... man it brought back sooooo many memories. Memories of my younger years running track in middle school (yeah Presidio Panthers!) and in high school (woot! Lowell Cardinals!). I remember the smell of the grass and the rubbery track and the feeling of a mixture of excitement+dread whenever I'm racing on the field. It's an awesome feeling mixed with some fear, I guess of losing and letting the team/myself down. Haha I remember I got to (by God's grace) compete in All City Finals for every year that I ran track throughout my running career. Key races I remember winning were the All City Girls' 800m dash in 8th grade and 4x100m relay senior year of high school, for which I ran the anchor leg and we made it to State Championships! Of course we only made it for trials =/ bud since we placed like dead last during trials, we didn't get to compete in finals but still, twas a great honor to even get to go to the State meet representing SF! And I still have my State sweatshirt :)

Anyway, it's Sam's last year in middle school (8th grade going on high school! eeck) and both he and I hope that he makes it to All City Finals this year. Stay tuned and lemme know if you wanna come out to one of his meets with me (not very many left) before All City to support and encourage the little man :)

Stuff I Wanna Do

Stuff (some random) that I wanna do. The list is in no particular order.

1) see Chris Tomlin perform live
2) watch Soul Surfer
3) go to a bar, the kind you see in movies
4) white water rafting/kayaking/canoeing/rowboating
5) paintballing
6) real mountain climbing
7) go to Hawaii with my (currently non-existent) boyfriend or future husband
8) win souls for Christ
9) stay up all night or sleep outdoors and watch the stars
10) ride the bus with friends for long period of time and talk or look out the window
11) ride a train and go far far away
12) ride on the back of a motorcyle
13) drive for an extended period of time
14) form a band and do vocals/harmony or play guitar
15) learn bass guitar and percussion
16) race Victor who runs really fast and actually win (or not feel bad when I lose)
17) eat at Red Robin or a buffet one day when I'm feeling really hungry
18) go to a carnival
19) share the Gospel and my faith with people every day
20) play with babies and toddlers and cute kids
21) eat at unlimited sushi buffet place in Davis or Hayward
22) get a tatoo
23) witness a (human) birth
24) live my life every day secure in God's Love
25) think of Jesus in every situation I'm in
26) go on a road trip with my girlfriends (Galatians study sistahs!)
27) download a bunch of songs onto my iPod
28) design a thumb-tact wall with pictures and memories to bring down to UCLA
29) afford to buy something that Sam would like for his 14th birthday
30) finish watching LOTR 2 and 3
31) build a mini toy robot out of wires and metal

There's probably more to this list but this is all I can think of as of now.

"Cutie Patootie" - M.Kim

Taken from my dear sister Moon's blog

Posted on April 13, 2011 by moonkyungpkim

gchat convo:
me: lol
you’re reall cute
really*
Frances: hah
aww i dont really think so (i think you are tho!) but thaaaanks
i hope my future husband will think im cute too! (even tho i know i dont need him to cuz God already thinks so)

ehehehehehe

What a cutie patootie. I bet your future husband will. ^_______^ And it IS great that God already thinks we’re cute. How lucky we are.

Awwwww thanks Moon! 1 <3 u

"Freedom" - F.Khai

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Freedom

"You are not obsessed with what other people think of you when you are overwhelmed with the fact that God is thinking about you all the time.

You don’t have to hide your own sin when you are already thankful for God’s forgiveness."

It's about this vertical connection. The enemy keeps telling us we're still slaves. Sometimes we just gotta snap back, "Fool, there ain't no chains on me" 8).

Posted by F.Khai at 1:20 AM

I'm So In Love...

... with my Savior!!!

Today we sang this song at church. I'm listening to it online right now on Youtube and practicing it on the guitar. The words are simple but very sweet and sincere. This is my heart's prayer - today and always. ♥

You are God in heaven
And here am I on earth,
So I'll let my words be few:
Jesus I am so in love with You.

And I'll stand in awe of You,
Yes I'll stand in awe of You,
And I'll let my words be few:
Jesus I am so in love with You.

The simplest of all love songs
I want to bring to You,
So I'll let my words be few:
Jesus I am so in love with You.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12z4dvc2kjo&feature=related
(I like this version :)

Joyful

I'm feeling quite happy at the moment. A lot happened this week - things around me, inside me, things done for me, things I had to do. But yeah, I'm pretty happy and thankful right now. After chemistry lab today I got to share the Gospel and just talk about God and His awesomeness and life and what I believe in with my lab partner Sterling for like, over an hour. I was soooo excited! It's actually been on my heart for a while now to share with him the Gospel and my faith, but for some reason it never really happened until this Friday afternoon. So I thank You God for answering my prayer and making it finally happen. we talked about many many topics: sin, creationism, God's fairness, 2012, joy peace purpose contentment true love eternal life... one thing that I really got to share and expound on was happiness vs. joy. In light of what I've been experiencing (and also what we've been studying through the Beth Moore study on fruit of the Holy Spirit), it was pretty neato to share with him the difference between the two - how happiness depends on our environment and things that happen to us, but joy is everlasting and not contingent upon our externals... that even though we may be sad, we can still have joy in our hearts, or we may be momentarily unhappy but we're able to get over that and move on because we have joy in Christ Jesus. Here I also tied in hope in Christ and also the great great reassurance of knowing that we are LOVED by God... that nothing can separate us from the Love of our Father - not even life nor death, angels nor demons, height nor depth, not even SATAN or anything else in this entire world can separate us from the Love of God. (I showed him Romans 8:38-39)

I feel really happy and encouraged by God that I got to share with my lab partner and am glad that he's interested and asking many questions and seems very open to hearing. Of course I pray that he'll hear all this and RECEIVE this gift and believe in Jesus so he can also experience this eternal joy and relationship with God that's only possible through Jesus Christ. I'm looking forward to Part 2 of our conversation next week, too, since we had to end short because he had an eye appointment. Just got off the phone with one of my leaders (he's also my EV-ing buddy on Berkeley campus on Wednesday afternoons) and shared with him what happened today; the both of us are very encouraged indeed! :)

I'm also really thankful (and joyful!) that I'm doing better than Tuesday hehe. Feel more recentered on Christ, though I still have my struggles here and there. I'm just so enamored with Jesus and all that He is to me, all that He's done for me, all that He will do for me... just absolutely amazing and beyond description. I'm His BELOVED! Oh yeah, in Russian class on Wednesday we learned how to say "beloved" in Russian: любимая (pronounced "lubimaya") -feminine, the masculine is любимый (pronounced "lubimuy"). I loooove that word, so much that I wrote it on my hand with a heart (although my Russian teacher said that it's a term that's rarely used because it's very antiquated and old and people just say "bf/gf" or "spouse" these days). I was telling my friends Tammy and Victor one time that I sorta want a tatoo that says "beloved" haha to always remind me that I am forever God's beloved.

I'm also reeeeeally thankful for Wednesday night after Large Group! I received help on graphing on Excel, I was fed, and I was driven home... and earlier that day I was sort of feeling sickly/nauseous but definitely much better afterwards. So much undeserved grace from God. Ahhhh I feel so blessed :)

I feel pretty stupid because of the feelings I'm feeling in my heart. Sigh... this too shall pass.

Okay barricade/fort-building not really working right now... what to do??!! I don't know what to do... God help me!

Recentering Myself

Just got home afterschool. (What happened to the warm yellow sun-shiney sun?!) So today throughout my physiology lecture, I couldn't help but inadvertently space out (on and off) on my professor while he was lecturing. Twas pretty bad... especially because I'm sorta lost about the renal system and renal exchange mechanisms and regulation of renal output and blah blah blah... but I couldn't help my mind from wandering off, daydreaming about something...... or someone. YYYeaahhh so pretty much opposite of what I want my heart to be doing at this point in my life. Especially because I made a commitment to God. So after class in the library, I turned to the Word and re-read one of my favorite passages in Psalm 73:25-26:

Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

My flesh and heart have certainly failed today (and many days in the past as well), but I'm so glad that God is the strength of my heart. He's the One who helps me focus and get back on track and not think about ________. He's the One who loves me forever and is jealous for my love and attention. He's the One who is my security and joy and provision, my portion forever. And He's the One who still loves me even when I do think about _______ (but don't want to!) because He's the eternal Lover of my soul. I'm so blessed to be loved by my Creator King -- to be His beloved. And right now, He's the One who is gonna help me re-center myself back onto Himself.

Okay I'm gonna go practice guitar now for a little bit and then get cracking on my physio lab report on the renal system (gotta appreciate 'em kidneys!!). Praying that I won't think about _______..... and watching The Adjustment Bureau last night certainly doesn't help my situation because as much as I don't wanna admit it, I think I sometimes am sort of a hopeless romantic and a sucker for Hollywood romantic stuff (some). But now, back to building a barricade/fort around my heart...

Up So Early

Last night I went to sleep at 11pm, which is the earliest time that I slept this entire week of Spring Break. Dunno why but I woke up this morning around 3:30am and cannot go back to sleep =/ So I started reading Psalms, namely Ps 62, 63, and 67 - the one that talks about "let the nations be glad!" (V-SET article hehe). I tried turning off the lamp and going back to sleep, praying, listening to iPod... didn't work. Then I checked my email and ended up watching this really touching video on the Kimyal tribal people in Papua New Guinea receiving Bibles for the very first time! I'm so touched in my heart and moved to tears by my awesome Kimyal brothers and sisters who love the Word of God soooo much! You should watch this video too if you have time and be blessed by it!

http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/03/03/what-does-it-look-like-to-receive-the-new-testament-for-the-first-time/

Hmmmm I think I know why I can't go back to sleep: I'm hungry :P
(Only had one meal yesterday - dinner)

Be My Everything

It's late, very late. Like wayyy past my bedtime late haha. 2:44am. Dunno why I'm still up. Got back home pretty late because had to drop Tiffany home after BARTing back to SF, but really glad she came out to Berkeley with me for fellowship tonight! Been thinking about a lot of stuff and I still am actually. Sorta feeling a little "emo" too haha, whatever that means. Trying to take all my thoughts captive and make them obedient to Christ... just collecting all of them and making Christ at the center of them all. Which is hard and I fail at it because I think I'm trying to compete with Him by subconsciously making myself (or other people) at the center. I know I cannot accomplish this (making Jesus the center of all my thoughts) by my own willpower because I'm so weaksauce and my own mind/heart is so deceptive. I'm so needy of God's help and grace. I'm so in need of God to be my everything. God, please continue to remind and convict me that You truly are the Only One who can fulfill my every need and desire and satisfy me complete-ly.

Learned a new song tonight during ICA Large Group.
Listening to it right now on Youtube because I really like it.
"Everything" by Tim Hughes.

God in my living, there in my breathing
God in my waking, God in my sleeping
God in my resting, there in my working
God in my thinking, God in my speaking

Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything

God in my hoping, there in my dreaming
God in my watching, God in my waiting
God in my laughing, there in my weeping
God in my hurting, God in my healing

Be my everything, be my everything
Be my everything, be my everything

Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me, the hope of glory
You are everything

Christ in me, Christ in me
Christ in me, the hope of glory
Be my everything

You are everything, You are everything
You are everything, You are everything
Jesus, everything, Jesus, everything
Jesus, everything, Jesus everything


I really want to say to Jesus "You are my everything".
O Lord Jesus, be my everything!
That is my sincere prayer to You tonight.

Prayer Tree!

So I finally started a prayer tree where I write down names of people I would like to commit myself to pray for. Next to their names, I write down their prayer requests or things that I will pray for them specifically. I already have quite a list... starting with my little brother Sam, parents, leaders, brothers and sisters from Berkeley ICA, old roommates, V-SET teammates, close friends who are not yet believers, brothers and sisters not near me at the moment (i.e. overseas or in LA)... chances are, if you've talked with me or emailed me recently, you're on my prayer tree and I'm praying for you! And like a sister once told me, "once you're on my prayer tree, you never come down!" By the grace of God, I hope I can stick to my commitment to praying for you guys regularly. We all have needs and are need of help, and God wants us to constantly bring all those things to Him in prayer!

If you have any prayer requests and/or would like to be prayer partners, PLEASE let me know and I can add you to my prayer tree! :) ♥

Guard Your Heart

Guard my ♥. That's what I need to keep on doing every minute, every day - remembering that my heart belongs to Jesus alone. ONLY Jesus Christ is 100% worthy of 100% of my whole heart :)


Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23