Reflections

Copy and pasted from an email I wrote to a leader.

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Being home has been a little hard for me. The past few days I've been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past year and quarter, giving thanks and praises as well examining and listing out the areas I would like to grow in 2012. I was really honest in telling God that I felt sad and tempted to feel discouraged as to why I don't have any disciples in America (yet), and how I really desire to be in Kyrgyzstan right now to be with my beloved students whom I helped lead to Christ and soooo desire to help them grow. I feel like I still labor the way I did overseas and that my heart posture is the same, but for whatever reason God did not give me any Faithful Available Committed Teachable girls (yet). Like some of the LT missionaries who have shared, I too feel like Hannah in the Bible -- barren, with no (spiritual) children. But I think God helped me realize an even deeper problem, which is buying into the lie that because I don't have any disciples (at least in America), I am worthless and not "as good" or as mature as the other Christians who do have disciples, and that God is less pleased with me because I don't have external fruit to present to Him. I wrongly believed that having disciples is my way of earning God's favor. I thought that God was disappointed with me. I am coming to realize that this is not the Truth...

I want to make disciples of all nations and bring glory to God... but even more, I just want to keep on seeking God and knowing Him. I really want to keep drawing near to God and knowing Him more and not be so focused on serving and "doing", which is naturally what I like to do. In some ways, ministry can be dangerous for me. I don't like being "idle" and being still and not doing anything. But Psalms 46:10 tells us to "BE STILL and know that I am God." Though it is always my desire to serve God and live out the Great Commission, I'm convicted that I need to keep learning how to rest and abide in Jesus -- standing firm on His Word, promises, and Truth. I pray that He can grow me in areas of humility and grace -- to be okay with serving Him in whatever little or big capacity that He has called me to, and to faithfully serve and live before an audience of One, not seeking man's approval.
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