These days I've been repeatedly reminded that I am like a (broken) jar of clay. And it hurts to break. But I'm GOD's cracked jar of clay, and He's the One who fills all the cracks with SuperGlue and then paints over the clay, covering it completely with fresh new paint. And then for some unfathomable reason He still chooses to use me. I am so humbled by His great great Love... so humbled.
I am forgiven. I am a new creation! Praise the Lord.
Song of the Day: Worlds Apart - Jars of Clay
Monday, October 18, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
God sure LOVES me
WHOAAA what an intense, emotional, tears-filled, but nonetheless God-glorifying weekend. I'm thankful for the work the Holy Spirit has been and is still doing in me. It's been tough and painful and at times feels like I'm all breaking up into shreds inside and I take lots and lots and lots of deep breaths because it's so overwhelming to take everything in... But it's all good because God is good. I want to be broken so that all the disgusting (and hidden!) pride inside DIES and the evil sins can be surfaced and realized and confessed and forgiven. I want to experience cleansing and peace and FREEEEEDOMMM! Even though going through brokenness and certain difficult situations really suck and hurt, I'm thankful that God is allowing it because He LOVES me and wants to humble me so that He can show me His grace (1 Peter 5). He wants to break me so that I can realize I am nothing without Him, so that I can go completely to Him, so that He can be glorified. No more being ENSLAVED to guilt and legalism and man's approval and acceptance and whispers from the Enemy. No more. I want to live for God, not man. I want to have Christ-like character. I want to know God more and more each day. I want to love and forgive, just as I am LOVED with His incomparable, unconditional, abundant LOVE and am forgiven by the Saving One. I want to grow and have increasing victory over sin. I want to claim everlasting peace that only God gives.
God, You're INDESCRIBABLY AWESOME. I love You. Thank You for first loving me. You're the One who taught me what love is. You're so worthy of my everything, of ALL of me. You are the Only trustworthy One. You are the Ultimate Discipler. You are the fair Judge, the Lover of Justice. You are a God of clarity, not confusion. You are the Wise King. You are my Faithful Provider. You are the Prayer Answerer. You are the Direction Giver. You are Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Mighty God, Lord of everything, Emmanuel, the Great I AM, Prince of Peace who is the Lamb, Living God, Saving Grace, You will reign forever, You are Ancient of Days, Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end, Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, Best Friend.
Thank You, God, thank You.
God, You're INDESCRIBABLY AWESOME. I love You. Thank You for first loving me. You're the One who taught me what love is. You're so worthy of my everything, of ALL of me. You are the Only trustworthy One. You are the Ultimate Discipler. You are the fair Judge, the Lover of Justice. You are a God of clarity, not confusion. You are the Wise King. You are my Faithful Provider. You are the Prayer Answerer. You are the Direction Giver. You are Lord of Lords, King of Kings, Mighty God, Lord of everything, Emmanuel, the Great I AM, Prince of Peace who is the Lamb, Living God, Saving Grace, You will reign forever, You are Ancient of Days, Alpha and Omega, beginning and the end, Savior, Messiah, Redeemer, Best Friend.
Thank You, God, thank You.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Jesus is the Ultimate Discipler
Jesus, I wish you were my earthly discipler right now. I want to follow you so badly. I wish that things were clearer. There are sooooo many uncertainties and so much to pray about. There were so many times today and lately when my mind was bombarded by a zillion things, running around in circles in my head. O Lord Jesus, you are Sovereign God, Holy and Majestic, Perfectly Powerful and Able. You are Faithful. Just like how You have always been there for me in the past and helped me in every single difficult situation and troubled times, I know that You will surely help me through this. No problem is too big for You to solve, God. Please give me the faith to continue turning to you and trusting you.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I Miss Kyrygyzstan.
I really really miss Talas and Bishkek and the time spent there this summer and the missionaries we met overseas. Most importantly, I miss my students :(
Today at the bus-stop, this dude on a bike rode up to me. He asked me how to get to Eddy+Leavenworth street. I told him to take the bus but he insisted he wanted to ride his bike there. I told him it was very far and would probably take him an hour. As he thanked me and was about to ride off, I asked him "Do you speak Russian?" (He looked Asiany but something about the way he spoke English reminded me of my students in Kyrgyzstan.) To my delight, he responded "yes" and so I said "hello" to him in Russian. I asked if he was from Kyrgyzstan. He said he was from Kazakhstan (Almaty). My face lit up and I told him that I went to Almaty this summer (didn't get to mention that we were only there for a day though) and that I was in Kyrgyzstan teaching English. We literally talked for only a minute longer because the bus came and I had to leave and he biked off.
There is such a strong nostalgia in my heart for Kyrgyzstan... I know that things might be different from what I experienced on V-SET this summer if/when I go back, my students might be different or some not even there anymore, I myself might be different, things might change, it might not be God's will for me to return... but still, I wanna go back so badly. Hopefully when I go back and see my students and team leader, my Russian would be better than the little that I've learned so far from class every day.
If I had a load of money right now, I would:
-Buy a bike
-Buy a car
-Give it to friends who really need it
-Buy airplane tickets to fly back to Kyrgyzstan
Today at the bus-stop, this dude on a bike rode up to me. He asked me how to get to Eddy+Leavenworth street. I told him to take the bus but he insisted he wanted to ride his bike there. I told him it was very far and would probably take him an hour. As he thanked me and was about to ride off, I asked him "Do you speak Russian?" (He looked Asiany but something about the way he spoke English reminded me of my students in Kyrgyzstan.) To my delight, he responded "yes" and so I said "hello" to him in Russian. I asked if he was from Kyrgyzstan. He said he was from Kazakhstan (Almaty). My face lit up and I told him that I went to Almaty this summer (didn't get to mention that we were only there for a day though) and that I was in Kyrgyzstan teaching English. We literally talked for only a minute longer because the bus came and I had to leave and he biked off.
There is such a strong nostalgia in my heart for Kyrgyzstan... I know that things might be different from what I experienced on V-SET this summer if/when I go back, my students might be different or some not even there anymore, I myself might be different, things might change, it might not be God's will for me to return... but still, I wanna go back so badly. Hopefully when I go back and see my students and team leader, my Russian would be better than the little that I've learned so far from class every day.
If I had a load of money right now, I would:
-Buy a bike
-Buy a car
-Give it to friends who really need it
-Buy airplane tickets to fly back to Kyrgyzstan
Friday, October 8, 2010
Praying for Prayerfullness
So I've been having a real DIFFICULT time praying lately. I don't know why but it feels like I can't/don't pray for some reason. I want to but I can't seem to pray. And I don't mean "little prayers" of thanking God that the bus came on time or thanking God for providing food on the table. Well I guess I shouldn't count those as "little prayers" because God hears all prayers - big or small - but I've been lacking in those deep, hearty, God-I-wanna-know-You prayers. I think I just get distracted or unmotivated or my mind starts trailing off... Like on Wednesday night, I was over at my friend's apartment in Berkeley and sleeping on her couch. That night I had a horrible and unrestorative sleep, maybe because her couch was too short for my legs. But as exhausted and sleepy as I was by that evening, I unexpectedly had a really hard time falling asleep, so I decided "What better thing to do right now but pray..." But I don't know why, all I could do was keep repeating "Dear God, I thank you so much for (silence)... (trying again) Dear God, I thank you so much for(silence)......." But nothing else really came out. It's not that I didn't have things to thank God for (I had a gazillion, especially that Wed) but I just couldn't pray. Kinda stupid when I think about it...
The desire to pray to God is always there in my heart, but it's all about actually doing it. Right now I fail in the "actually doing it" part. While I'm glad that God has given me a bigger heart to pray for other people, like my team leader and friends in Kyrgyzstan as well as other people I know who who are currently going through a tough time, I feel that I haven't been able to "pray for myself" lately. But it's not like I've been super good at intercession either. Even worse with supplication, even though there are many things I should be praying about. Kinda ironic huh... you would think that with as many things going through my mind every day, I should be praying EVEN more... But I dunno, guess I might be (unconsciously) running away from God or something like that...
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PRAY??? WHY DON'T I DESIRE IT MORE??? Hopefully this is just a "phase"... and hopefully it won't last. Maybe I should ask God to help me to be more prayerful...
Currently reading Billy Hybels's Too Busy Not To Pray, which I hope I'll have the willpower to finish reading.
The desire to pray to God is always there in my heart, but it's all about actually doing it. Right now I fail in the "actually doing it" part. While I'm glad that God has given me a bigger heart to pray for other people, like my team leader and friends in Kyrgyzstan as well as other people I know who who are currently going through a tough time, I feel that I haven't been able to "pray for myself" lately. But it's not like I've been super good at intercession either. Even worse with supplication, even though there are many things I should be praying about. Kinda ironic huh... you would think that with as many things going through my mind every day, I should be praying EVEN more... But I dunno, guess I might be (unconsciously) running away from God or something like that...
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PRAY??? WHY DON'T I DESIRE IT MORE??? Hopefully this is just a "phase"... and hopefully it won't last. Maybe I should ask God to help me to be more prayerful...
Currently reading Billy Hybels's Too Busy Not To Pray, which I hope I'll have the willpower to finish reading.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
AHHHHHHHHHH
There are a bajillion things on my mind. So many tasks to finish, decisions to make, things to ponder about. And uncertainty/confusion about my future makes me antsy and restless and worried. And then I can't help but feel stupid about feeling that because I knowww God's got my back and He LOVES me and has a plan for me and that He understands everrrrything that I'm going through right now. But if I know all this, then why do I still feel blahhhhh??
Yesterday after Large Group, I finally got a chance to talk to Danny about some things that's been on my heart. He responded with lotsa godly counsel but most importantly, he invited me to really go to God and dig deep into His WORD. One thing that he said that stood out to me was "Faith doesn't always make sense."
Matthew 17:19-20
19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
sigh. These days my supply of faith has been fluctuating... sometimes it really feels as small as a mustard seed, but then some days I'm very certain in my heart that everything will be a-okay and that God will provide like He always does. Of course deep down in my heart is always the desire to TRUST God, but often times I still catch myself leaning on my own limited understanding and efforts. danggg it, why am I such a weak-faithed weaklinggg? I really do wanna just OBEY GOD. I really really do.
I reallllly need to PRAY, draw close to God, get deep into His Word, and earnestly seek Him MORE. like RIGHT NOW. and constantly, daily. I really need direction from Jesus Christ. After all, He is the BEST and ULTIMATE discipler.
(Note: For those of you who have been praying for me, I sincerely THANK YOU. Please keep me updated with you and lemme know how I can be praying for you as well.)
Yesterday after Large Group, I finally got a chance to talk to Danny about some things that's been on my heart. He responded with lotsa godly counsel but most importantly, he invited me to really go to God and dig deep into His WORD. One thing that he said that stood out to me was "Faith doesn't always make sense."
Matthew 17:19-20
19Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, "Why couldn't we drive it out?"
20He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
sigh. These days my supply of faith has been fluctuating... sometimes it really feels as small as a mustard seed, but then some days I'm very certain in my heart that everything will be a-okay and that God will provide like He always does. Of course deep down in my heart is always the desire to TRUST God, but often times I still catch myself leaning on my own limited understanding and efforts. danggg it, why am I such a weak-faithed weaklinggg? I really do wanna just OBEY GOD. I really really do.
I reallllly need to PRAY, draw close to God, get deep into His Word, and earnestly seek Him MORE. like RIGHT NOW. and constantly, daily. I really need direction from Jesus Christ. After all, He is the BEST and ULTIMATE discipler.
(Note: For those of you who have been praying for me, I sincerely THANK YOU. Please keep me updated with you and lemme know how I can be praying for you as well.)
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