Convictions and Revelations from God

I've been audiobooking/reading the book of Matthew and am really convicted by Jesus's words and teachings. Seeing his disciples' little faith in their Discipler (even though they walked and lived with Jesus and saw Him perform miracles with their own eyes! How could they still have little faith if they witnessed such miraculous wonders, I wonder to myself...), I don't judge them but rather relate to them because even though God's been faithful to me in the past (in fact my whole life), I too often times have little faith and still doubt. Doesn't really make sense. In addition to it be not pleasing to God, I'm thankful God has convicted me to see the futility and foolishness in doubting Him. And when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees calling them "crooked, corrupt, adulterous generation"... my heart is pricked too because I know full well that out of my own evil heart has come lots of sin. As I'm reading, I wonder how Jesus felt leading those 12 disciples whom He always referred to as "you of little faith". Wasn't he disappointed and frustrated at them (I know I would be), yet he still loved them enough to die for their sins... doesn't really make sense to me because it's just so not-of-this-world. Another part that stood out to me is found in the miracles of the massive feedings of 4000 and 5000 in Matt 14-15, the verses that said "They all ate and were satisfied". The food that Jesus provides SATISFIES (literal and figurative). I need to always remember that and need to quit trying to fend for myself. 

The past couple months God has really shown me the smallness of my faith through various situations and trials He's allowed. Ultimately, that has turned me to repent, turn to His Word, and pray daily asking for the faith to believe and trust God.

God continues to minister to my soul using His own Word through the Bible. Last week He used Proverbs 3:5-6 to bring a big breakthrough in my thinking... This passage commands me to TRUST in who? The Lord. With what? With ALL my heart (not merely a portion, not even a large portion, but rather ALL of it, WHOLEHEARTED in the truest sense of the word) and to NOT lean on my own understanding.  Even though I had memorized these verses since I was a small child, God's wise words still hit me afresh.  I realized that I had been appraising the breakup according to my own understanding... I didn't fully understand why it happened, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, why God had to allow it.... not that we were perfect but I really felt that the both of us did indeed trust the Lord the best we could together during dating, so if we did that, then why did the relationship have to end up in breakup?... I didn't understand and so I was using my own understanding to try to make sense of it.  BUT... God's Word here tells me to trust Him and NOT in my own understanding.  Bam.  My searching mind not-understanding was suddenly quelled and it was as if in that moment I understood.  I mean, not that I understood exactly what happened between us and all that had "gone wrong" in the relationship (yes, I have learned and am learning but to pinpoint every single reason that led to breakup, I don't think I would be able...) but rather, I understood that I do not need to understand everything before I obey God's command to trust in Him with all my heart.  And I was convicted that that was something that I had not been doing.  Because when I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting God.  You can only do one or the other.  The verses continue by telling us to acknowledge Him in all our ways (acknowledge: to know intimately, to desire His presence) and the promise to claim is that He will make our paths straight.  I know that straight paths do not mean rainbows and sunshine and all my dreams come true, but straight paths do come from God and are part of His will, and I want to be on the straight paths that God prepares for me (even if they are comprised of a bunch of crooked paths which only look straight from a bird's eye point of view) as I continue to practice His presence daily, acknowledging that He is with me in every moment, every situation, every trial, every instance of every day of my life.

Wellspring of Grace

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

I came across this precious jewel of a hymn that I've never heard of before, but its lyrics are so beautiful and God-pointing. They really hit my heartstrings, too, as I've felt at the end of myself so many countless times this past (school) year, 2016-2017.  I wrote down these lyrics immediately, several times actually, and pondered the words.  Sometimes my wandering heart "forgets" about God's generous, giving, gracious character.  Instead of seeing Him rightly as who He is, I sinfully see Him as a distant, nonchalant, stingy God who withholds good things from me.  How absolutely wrong and foolish for me to think that even for a second!  His Word tells us in Psalm 84:11 that no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly, whose walk is blameless.  This hymn reminds me that God loves to give and give, He loves to bless and bless His children who are obedient to Him.  And His infinite resources will never be depleted.  He is the Wellspring of Grace.

Life, and Death

Today, while my brother turned 20, another brother went Home to be with the Lord. I never met the latter but know he was a man of God and attended my church's seminary. He responded to the Lord's calling and became a pastor at another state after graduating TMS. Apparently he was diagnosed with bone marrow failure and suffered greatly physically before his last breath. My heart is saddened for his wife and two sons that he left behind. I along with many others of the church are/will be praying for comfort.

How does a believer cope with and accept death of a loved one who was also a believer? There is definitely overwhelming hope that they will meet again in Heaven... but in the meantime, how will living the remaining days on earth without them be like? I know it's been done (my own EWG small group leader Lois has been a widow for many years and though it's not that she doesn't miss her Ernie, she is still as content and as much of a Proverbs 31 woman you will ever find who's also 87 years old). I know the answer is Jesus. I just don't know "practically", as in firsthand - experientially - how it will be like. I know it's very very hard and painful, and it's definitely not doable for the faith-less.

2017 has been a very crummy year circumstantially. Many tears, many griefs, many disappointments and let-downs and failures. Many deaths - of people and of relationships.

"Our lives have been turned a direction we did not expect, yet our faith is being perfected. We are comforted also by the fact that God knew all our days before there was yet one."