I unexpectedly saw him on Wednesday night after GSM.

I was coming out of 424 Kelton and looked across the street. I saw him standing there in front of 423 Kelton. I had just prayed during GSM that God would give me acceptance in my heart to accept how things are now between us, to be able to move on, to trust that it is good even if it hurts because it is God's will. I want to be a part of God's plan, His tapestry - not my own. I did not expect to see him that night, out of the blue. But the moment I saw him I wanted to walk up to him, to see his face, to talk with him. But the Lord prevented that from happening that night, and my heart grieved immensely.

"Frances, sometimes you have to learn to say no and walk away."

The sibling in Christ I was walking with told me it was best if I did not go up to talk to him. I didn't want to hear that, and I didn't want to walk away. It wounded me to have to walk away from the thing I loved most aside from Christ, but that was what I had to do again that night. I cried all the way home while driving down the 405, tears flowing down my eyes, saying truths out loud to myself because of the overwhelming pain I felt in my heart.

"God, thank you for being my God." "Thank you that you are good to me." "God, thank you that you love me."

This week I had several "missions-y" encounters. Went to church after work on Thursday night to catch the last two hours of the missions convocation by Lincoln Global. Saw him there. Went to church after work on Friday night for SuperStudy. Unexpectedly saw him there again. I wasn't sure if he would have been back in San Diego by then. Today group of brothers and sisters and I spent time with the Ayres, missionaries who had just come back from Malawi. Hearing them share about their time in Malawi, I thought of him and wish he was here, knowing that he would have been blessed to hear the sharing. Basically anything missions-related.

We did end up talking, and I was glad about that. There is something irreplaceable about him. And often times when I think of the Lord and the lessons He's teaching me and life and the Gospel and missions, he naturally comes into my thoughts as well. But when he had to leave, when he said goodbye and left that night after SuperStudy, my heart hurt. I felt a literal physiological response in my heart muscle similar to a painful paralysis. A pain that has been familiar to my heart the past year, yet it stings afresh each time it comes. When he walked away, I couldn't breathe for a few moments. As the pain settled in, my mind was no longer fully there in the conversation that I was having with a few brothers about missions.

If it weren't for the self control of the Spirit, I think I would have run after him and told him to please stay and don't go. Please, let's talk some more. Please, tell me that you still care about me. Please, tell me that you still want to do missions together and live life pursuing the Lord together...

God, as you teach me acceptance and contentment in light of all that's happened between him and me, please kindly grant my heart healing and peace and rest. Give me hope for the future, and make clear your plans for me with respect to missions. Please bring clarity and direction to my future, for I am lost without You.

I have never felt as much sadness, pain, loneliness, and grief as I have in the past year starting in August 2013 to now. To be completely honest, it's hard for me to trust You right now. My heart is filled with many doubts and questions, and a gloomy cloud of depression hangs over my head when I wake up in the morning these days. My heart feels very calloused towards people and the world around me. There's been so much that happened the past year. I've tried to reach out for help, but no one seems to care or notice. I want to run away and hide, but there's no where to go and no one to turn to. But Simon Peter's words pop into my mind: "Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life..."