So I've been having a real DIFFICULT time praying lately. I don't know why but it feels like I can't/don't pray for some reason. I want to but I can't seem to pray. And I don't mean "little prayers" of thanking God that the bus came on time or thanking God for providing food on the table. Well I guess I shouldn't count those as "little prayers" because God hears all prayers - big or small - but I've been lacking in those deep, hearty, God-I-wanna-know-You prayers. I think I just get distracted or unmotivated or my mind starts trailing off... Like on Wednesday night, I was over at my friend's apartment in Berkeley and sleeping on her couch. That night I had a horrible and unrestorative sleep, maybe because her couch was too short for my legs. But as exhausted and sleepy as I was by that evening, I unexpectedly had a really hard time falling asleep, so I decided "What better thing to do right now but pray..." But I don't know why, all I could do was keep repeating "Dear God, I thank you so much for (silence)... (trying again) Dear God, I thank you so much for(silence)......." But nothing else really came out. It's not that I didn't have things to thank God for (I had a gazillion, especially that Wed) but I just couldn't pray. Kinda stupid when I think about it...
The desire to pray to God is always there in my heart, but it's all about actually doing it. Right now I fail in the "actually doing it" part. While I'm glad that God has given me a bigger heart to pray for other people, like my team leader and friends in Kyrgyzstan as well as other people I know who who are currently going through a tough time, I feel that I haven't been able to "pray for myself" lately. But it's not like I've been super good at intercession either. Even worse with supplication, even though there are many things I should be praying about. Kinda ironic huh... you would think that with as many things going through my mind every day, I should be praying EVEN more... But I dunno, guess I might be (unconsciously) running away from God or something like that...
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PRAY??? WHY DON'T I DESIRE IT MORE??? Hopefully this is just a "phase"... and hopefully it won't last. Maybe I should ask God to help me to be more prayerful...
Currently reading Billy Hybels's Too Busy Not To Pray, which I hope I'll have the willpower to finish reading.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.
ReplyDelete-Romans 8:26-27