The past two weeks have been far from easy for me. When my parents first told me a couple months back that they were going to be gone for 2 weeks in May and it would just be me and Sam in the house, I was all excited and celebrating and "Whoohoo-ing", thinking that this freedom/independence would be quite enjoyable and that taking care of Sam would be a piece of cake. After all, I have been such a good and responsible and capable big sister to Sam for the past 14 years (and still am), I pridefully thought outloud to myself and to my parents. And so I reassured my folks that everything will be a-okay and that I'll have everything under control and that they have nothing to worry about... Boy was I wrong.
Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.
For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.
I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.
Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!
I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.
I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!
God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.
Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)
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