By God's grace, I've been very happy the past couple of weeks. I know a big reason is because I was presented with many opportunities to serve God, my church, the children in VBS, brothers and sisters in Christ.. all of this naturally brings me much joy and happiness. But I'm also wondering if my joy was partially being derived from another reason (another person, specifically), because in the past several weeks I happened to have seen and interacted with this person a LOT. Ministering alongside this person has always been fun, joyful, meaningful, rewarding, and I realize that being around this person makes me very happy and brings me much laughter (which hasn't always been the case, as earlier in the year this person also brought me much pain, sorrow, and seas of tears)... But I know that I've been very happy around this person lately, and that's what I've been dwelling on mostly. The present and not the past. However, the past few days I'm also realizing the real danger this situation poses to my heart, which (until very recently) was on the road to recovery and healing from the breakup, or so I thought. Have I done a poor job guarding my heart? Have the triple-iron bolted fortresses of steel surrounding my heart already toppled down?
I haven't cried in a while, but on the phone with my dad at first I shed some tears while telling him about this person and how my heart feels. It may be stupid, but I asked my dad through choked-back tears, "What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Because I'm so big and fat? Because I'm not "quality girl"?" He let out a loving chuckle and exclaimed in Chinese "Silly girl! Of course not, my daughter!" in Chinese. But still, I couldn't help but feel a familiar sadness of longing and rejection fall on me like a thick blanket of smoke - heavy, yet hard to get rid of. Oh how I really do not want to be back in this predicament!!! I really want to have joy that's not contingent on my circumstances. And I don't want to lose my joy because I don't get something I want. Rather, I want to always carry a responsibly jubilant expression to God at any and every point in time. That is the type of heart posture I want - that I can rejoice because my focus is on the Gospel, on Christ, on the things above - not on earthly things, not on circumstances. My jubilation has got to be directed towards God and His Word.
Oh LORD, teach me to rejoice even now! I long to worship You.
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