Just wanted to give you guys a brief update on how I've been. As some of you might have already noticed the past couple weeks have been not so great for me. I've been feeling really really really angry lately: at people, at situations, and yeahh at God. It's like all of a sudden I've swallowed the "anger pill" or something and I'm mad at everything and everyone, pretty much mad at the entire world! But through it all God's been showing me how ugly I get when I'm mad: I have little tolerance and love for people, I'm snappy and moody, I use a lot of foul language and cuss words, I'm not humble, I take out my anger on innocent people, I feel like destroying things, I'm extreeeemely prideful and selfish... God's been teaching me a lot about my PRIDE.
Last week was my 23rd birthday. Wasn't a good or happy birthday or fun day at all. In addition, I also got really hurt and upset by my (earthly) father, which isn't the first time he's made me cry like I did. I felt like I just had enough of it and so I held a grudge against him for the past week and would not humble myself to talk to him or want to forgive him, despite my mom's constant reminder that he is my dad and I am his daughter. My dad was just one part of my source of frustration and madness. Anyway... long story short... I know and feel that something is wrong with me, that this kind of anger-attitude inside me has to stop (rage = sin and is not fruit of the Holy Spirit). It's weird... feels like I am going against God but I'm so rebellious and "daring" in a bad way that I keep on going. It's pretty scary too because I don't recall being "angry at God' for such a long time (how dare me!). But yeah, since I've been kinda mad at God I didn't really want to pray to Him or go to Him for help, even though I "know" that I should (head-knowledge). Guess my heart was just super hardened. But over this past week God has still been showing me a lot of His goodness and grace despite my rebellion and hardened heart and the many times I defamed Him when I opened my mouth. I am thankful to say that His kindness is leading me towards repentance. I've been sort of asking for a sincerely repentant heart and asked some friends to pray for a repentant heart since I felt I couldn't pray. Yesterday during the 1-hr bus ride to school I thought of each and every sin that I could think of this past week and truly confessed them to God, apologizing and asking Him for forgiveness. I haven't felt this need for confession and repentance in a while now, so it was good that it happened.. brought me back closer to my Heavenly Father. (A really cool thing is right when I finished my confessional prayer and still had my eyes closed, I felt the sun's yellow rays shine on my face through the windows for a few seconds! Hmmm a divine message?) I am also thankful to God that He has restored to me a heart of thanksgiving, because I realized that during the times that I've been really really angry I forgot to count my blessings and give thanks to God. It's been good to be able to give thanks once again. After all, God deserves it because He gives me so much good stuff!
Then yesterday at the busstop I thought about this. So for my birthday this year, I made 3 wishes to God:
1) that He would help me to be humble and get rid of the prideful areas in my life (God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble... I dont want to be opposed by God and I want God's grace!)
2) that He would continue to give me His LOVE and that I would know it in my heart instead of just my head (I don't want to be a "head knowledge" Christian, I want to believe and know and feel in my heart), also so that I can emulate this type of love to other people and love others like Jesus did
3) that I would be able to say "Thy Kingdom come!" in all situations because I want Jesus to rule, reign, and have authority over my life and I want all glory to go to God
But it occurred to me yesterday at the busstop that I have not been any of this. I've been not humble, not loving, not really saying "Your Kingdom Come" to God but rather "MY kingdom come!! ME ME ME!!". I don't mean to be attributing blame to Satan because I know it's mainly my own sinfulness and prideful self that's been in my way of being humble, loving, and able to say Thy Kingdom come... but I do believe that Satan is also active at work and he's probably really mad that I made those birthday wishes to God and was doing/will do anything he can to make sure that I don't succeed and keep running from God. And I do admit that I've fallen into his slippery traps the past weeks and failed in these three areas, especially the days after my birthday when I was super duper angry =( But I'm thankful for God's grace and forgiveness and believe that He still loves me and will help me. Will you guys please pray that I will continually repent of my sins with a pure heart, that I draw near to God now more than ever, that I embrace God's love and grace, and that I keep my eyes superglued on Him and not on myself?
So yeah... this is what I've been kind of going through the past two weeks or so. Thanks for reading this (sorry it wasn't brief). I want to say thank you for loving me. Thank you for praying for me.
P.S. I forgot to mention... good news: all by GOD's grace, I forgave my earthly daddy and spoke to him yesterday (he offered to pick me up from school and I accepted) Praise God we're sorta on "good terms" again =)
I know what you mean when you know what you should be doing, but your heart just isn't in it and it's all head knowledge. But praise God you're able to still see His grace through all this and talking to your dad as well! This reminded me of 2 Corinthians 12:9, I'll definitely continue to remember you in my prayers.
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