Today is my last day home before going back to LA tomorrow. I call SF "home" because that is where I grew up and spent 18+ years of my life, this is where my parents currently live with my younger brother, this is the environment with which I am familiar. But it is not where I currently reside. I currently live in Los Angeles - where I work, serve in ministry, have abiding relationships, go to church. Yet I hesitate to call LA "home" either. My heart struggles to find the comfort and security that it seeks from any place that exists on this earth.
I feel mixed feelings about going back tomorrow. Dread, because a part of me doesn't want to accept reality, changes, to inevitably have face a certain someone. Not to mention the grueling 6+ hour drive I'll have to make solo once again. Hope, because I do hope that things will be better than last week and even eventually back to being okay, someday. Excitement, for new things that might happen and unfold if I have faith to believe and trust God with my life and my tomorrow. Fear, that things might become worse or remain unchanged. Fear of being disappointed yet again... but these days I personally try to prevent that from happening by being careful to not place any hope or expectation on anything or anyone. Too risky, and this already aching heart of mine has no more room for any more breaking and pain. Fear of becoming bitter and having a heart filled with wickedness rather than a heart filled with grace, love, peace, forgiveness, kindness, compassion... all the lovely things that Christians strive for and even non-Christians love. Fear of fearing. Gosh, I realize (and this is not a new realization sadly) how fear still seems to be the dominating emotion, even though I've countlessly told it "no!" and that I will not be ruled by nor operate out of fear.
O God, help me!
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I journaled the upper portion of this blog earlier in the day. Now it's past midnight and bedtime, as tomorrow... err later this (Tuesday) morning I must make the long trek back to LA and I'll need as much rest and energy I can get. I do want to recount God's goodness and love shown to me through my family during this week of respite/mourning/grieving/retreat, especially today.
Sam: I'm thankful for my little brother and the irreplaceable place he has in my life and the special bond between big sister-little brother. I love how we laugh at each other mid-sentence because the other one knows what the other one is about to say, the joke we're about to crack, the funny thing that we're about to laugh about... it's intuitive and we just know. I'm thankful for him looking out for me and for his honest input and valuable insight into the various situations of my life, including this most recent relationship and now, breakup. I'm thankful that talking to him is still able to bring me some comfort, that afterwards (though it isn't a cure) I do feel a little more relieved and uplifted. I'm thankful for our relationship as earthly siblings but more importantly, our sibling-hood in Christ. I'm eternally grateful for the ways that God has grown him in his faith, the way he thinks, his priorities, his values and convictions, his perspective on life, how he desires and seeks out discipleship, his commitment and involvement in church... and how he is still growing.
Mom: I am thankful for momma - how her love for me truly is without fail. There is never a moment that I can doubt her love for me. It is so lavish and unconditional, that sometimes it overwhelms and even pressures me, if that makes sense. She sacrifices so much time, energy, effort to constantly do what she thinks is best for me, such as buy a lot of groceries and choicest of Chinese ingredients to cook me food, make me Chinese herbal soup that's good for after periods (massive blood loss) or aches and pains or just good for women in general. She stays up late to cook me a storm of food to bring back to LA so that I don't have to cook when I get back. When I sneeze, she's worried that I'm catching a cold. While some people would find her love to be a bit over the top or even "stifling" (trying not to remember the stinging words of someone and fighting any lingering bitterness in my heart), and I confess that sometimes I've had that attitude of "Mom, you're TOO loving and caring...", I think I would rather be filled with great great gratitude and thanksgiving while humbly and gladly accepting all that she freely does for me (of course encouraging her to rest and not feel obligated to cook and make so much for me all the time). After all, she is a mother and she's doing what she knows best: mothering. And she excels at that. Why cramp her style and stifle her joy by telling her to stop or not do so much?
Dad: I'm really thankful for my dad and love him so much. Even though he is a man of few words who does not always express himself, and he talks much less than any member of my family, I really respect him and value his words and what he tells me. This time back, he encouraged me by telling me to move forward and not look back. Dad is so cool. When asked if he was bitter or angry at _____, he said no (unlike mom). He has such an open mind and is able to accept circumstances of life for what they are. He told me that we can't really put blame on anyone or anything, but that we just have to move on trusting God because God knows best. Today he had a day off so I got to spend some time with him. It was raining outside... I secretly hoped that the floodgates of heaven would open wide and the sky would rain itself out today only so that daddy would be spared getting wet when he returns to work... but he said that the rest of the week would be raining :( After lunch, dad drove me to see a Chinese chiropractor who did tui-na (deep tissue massage), cupping, acupuncture, and placed hot medicinal bandages on my back. It was a painful process, but a good kind of pain that I knew/hoped/prayed would be therapeutic for my chronic and accumulated injuries that have resulted from work over the past 3+ years, as well as the accumulated stress from the past 3+ months. Daddy sat patiently in a stool for 1.5+ hours while the Chinese doctor worked on me. I could tell her really cared about my well-being, knowing that I'll be driving back to LA tomorrow, and wanted me to get checked out because I hadn't seen a chiropractor at all this week. I'm touched that that he would spend his day off time for me in this way. And about two hours ago, dad and I went downstairs in the pouring rain (twice!) because he wanted to make sure that my engine oil level was still okay. We put on water proof jackets on top of our normal clothes, umbrella in hand, dad was wearing a head-light wrapped around his forehead since it was so dark and wet out. Even though it was cold, windy, raining hard, I really treasured those two trips down to my car with dad. It was so precious :') I didn't mind the pouring rain and the sucky weather condition (though in and of themselves, I really would have found it unpleasant - I really don't like getting wet), because I got to endure that with someone I loved very much - my dad. And I know that he showed me true love - being willing to stay up way past his bedtime on a work night to do that with me, and we got pretty drenched.
Tonight I go to bed knowing I am a very beloved daughter of two loving parents... I mean, three, including my Abba Father in Heaven. Their love, I do not deserve. But I gratefully, happily, thankfully receive it wholeheartedly.
Even though I may have loss the love of a man, or perhaps I never knew it to begin with because he never even loved me (I have no idea, only God knows), I know and believe that I am dearly loved by God, and I want that to be more than enough for me. I want that to mean more than the world to me. Lord, cause my heart to truly experience this great, great truth and to never want for anything more than your Love.
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