It's Friday, 4 days since the news from Monday night. So far no tears today (grace!), and by that I mean none that rolled down my cheeks, because some did well up in my eyes. Maybe the real test will be when I see him later tonight at GOC, not to mention other brothers and sisters who know us and care about us and might even ask me how we are doing. Lord, make me strong... strong enough to face and handle. I know your grace is sufficient.
Last night I wrote:
"Today after seeing the Chinese chiropractor, I tried to eat some lunch at a local Chinese supermarket. Not so successful, loss my appetite quickly so I only ended up eating 1/5 of it and packed the remainder to go. I ordered 雲吞麵 but after a few bites inadvertently thought about K, how he would really enjoy this because he loves food. How I will miss cooking for him and bringing him food. There was hot chili sauce on the table, which reminded me of him because he really likes spicy stuff. The Chinese song playing in the background also brought him to mind because it was in Mandarin, and K speaks it so well, teaches in it all the time during CBS :'( .... I remember how sad I felt in that moment and even teared up sitting there at the dining tables, but now as I look back... I tell myself that even those sad moments have now become but memories, and tomorrow (Lord-willing) it will hopefully sting less and I would have moved forward just a little bit more... :')
I was reflecting on how CBS went well last night 3/8/2017, it was totally God who granted grace and even supernatural joy to carry on, even interact with K. When I saw him, I really didn't desire to be mean or cold or bitter... but I looked at him with loving eyes and a genuine desire to show kindness and compassion. That is learned from my Savior. Truly not of myself since I had just been weeping earlier, and everyone knows I am not one who is able to "fake it". My goal was to make everything look seamless so that no one would be able to tell anything had even happened between us; I want to be a good testimony to God in that way. I have personally experienced how the Spirit that indwells Christians equips us with a resiliency that sometimes we don't even know we possess until we are tempted and tried. Though inwardly and privately, where people may not always see or know or understand, I am still battling intensely, crying on and off. I am still heavily grieving. Fighting the mind, feelings, flesh. Sadness still looms above me. I pray that the Lord will quickly remove feelings of affection from K, that I won't miss him and be so easily reminded of him by certain things/memories, that I would only see him as a brother and fellow worker in God's harvest field. I pray that I would still have a heart of loving trust and worship of my Father, even if feebly..."
Lord, just as You enable to daily to move on from T, I have full confidence that You will do no less now as I move on from K and our relationship. You know the difficulty I face because I have to see K all the time - at GOC, church, even work closely with him in CBS. You know the tension I feel, of being tempted to give him a cold shoulder but at the same time wanting to set a godly example for the brethren around us who are watching. God, my heart still grieves immensely, I feel "okay" one moment but crumble and cry the next. I guess the breakup was not totally mutual, I didn't really want to break up but he left me no choice because he doesn't want to pursue me for marriage. Perhaps I am naive (or could it be that I'm just a super committed person?), but I was willing to keep going and persevere until the end, because I firmly think that there is nothing that cannot be worked through with Christ. Or maybe I just really really want to believe that...
God, I pray that I would keep turning to You and keep trusting in You, accepting from your Hand all that You give and take away. The Enemy is actively battling for my mind right now, sometimes I feel like quitting too. I wish I could detach my heart/emotions/feelings from myself and not feel so much. I want to move on in a way that pleases God, I want to fight any bitterness in my heart and not even allow the slightest room for it to fester. I want to trust in God's goodness and sovereignty and learn the lessons You are impressing upon me, and I know there are many, but I'm struggling. I continue to pray for our ministry in CBS. I desire to be God's faithful servant. I am unsure as to how best interact with K in the future, what will or will not stumble me, and I want to do everything in my power to protect my fragile and already affected heart. I do not want to let my sin, self, what happened between us to interfere with God's sacred work.
Lord, I know You see and know my heart, and You honor those who earnestly seek You in faith. So have mercy on me today, have mercy on me. I am crying out to You in desperation. You are the One whom I am desperately clinging to. Teach me the sufficiency of Christ. Teach me what it means to place all my hope in You alone, teach me how to look to You for all comfort, joy, fulfillment, satisfaction, love, acceptance, understanding, peace, provision. I think I have learned well from the past relationship and breakup, but it's sad and disappointing times like these that You reveal to me where my heart still is and how much I still need to learn. Help me God. I do not want to look at myself, for that will cause me to greatly despair. I look to You as the One who will help me change and grow, to become more sanctified and Christ-like.
Thank you, Lord!!!!!
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