A Faith Test

It's been a week and one day since the breakup.  I can't say I'm doing well but can't say I'm doing very badly either.  I'm somewhere in between, still grieving sorely.  I drove home to SF late Sunday night, arrived early yesterday morning.  Sam gave me a tattoo of a cross on my right wrist yesterday late afternoon.  I'm currently listening to a series of praise/worship songs by Don Moen on Youtube right now while reading Genesis, tears trickling down as I re-read the account of Abraham being tested by God.  He was asked to sacrifice the only son whom he loved very much as a burnt offering.  Wow, what an incredibly hard thing to be asked of by God..... In some ways, I feel God often asks of me to give up similar things.  First T, and now K.  But God, I'm not like Abraham who was a great man of faith (hence, his nickname "Father of Faith").  In fact, I have come to realize more than ever that I am a woman of very small faith, if any at times.  Unlike Abraham who readily obeyed and didn't ask questions when called upon by You to do something, I do not readily obey and I ask a bunch of questions.  I don't want to be that way, God.  Perhaps you know already, for You formed my heart and you know it.  You know that I desire to be like Abraham - full of faith and obedience.  So You are intervening and aiding me with Your mighty hand in order to bring my prayer request to become reality, even if that process must be extremely painful for me.  Perhaps that is the very thing You have been doing all along, teaching and growing me in my faith in You.

I re-read this devotional today that I first read last Friday night after coming home from GOC because I was still feeling very heartbroken and sad over K.

Hi, I’m Joni Eareckson Tada and do you know what’s in your heart?

That’s a question we need to ask ourselves often, because as scripture says, our hearts are deceitful. I mean, we’ll be thinking we’re doing okay; that we’re cool; we’re tight with the Lord, but in reality? It’s often a different story. Oh, if we could only see, if there were only some way we could truly know our hearts, especially as it concerns our heart-to-heart relationship with the Lord Jesus. Well, there is a way you can know the truth about what’s in your heart. And the clue is in Genesis chapter 22. It’s the story where Abraham is about to sacrifice his son, Isaac, on the altar. Just as Abraham raises his knife, God says, "Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. [For] now I know that you fear [Me,] because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son."

What an amazing story about Abraham and all that was in his heart, because with hands trembling, he was prepared to offer up his only son. But "Stop!" came the voice from heaven. But why would God say, "Now I know that you fear me?” I mean, the Lord already knew what was in Abraham's heart; He alone knows the hearts of all men. So if God knew the patriarch would pass the test long before Abraham reached for the knife, why put the old man through such a terrible ordeal? Well, the answer is simple: God did not lack information about Abraham, but Abraham probably lacked information about himself.

And this is why God tests our faith, because we are exactly the same as Abraham. God tests your faith, not so much that He might know what's in your heart, but that you might know. We say that we love God, that He’s first in our lives, that our marriages are centered around Him, and that we trust and obey Him. But we easily deceive ourselves unless that love for God is frequently put to the test. God wants us to know the actual, lived-out reality of our preferences for Him. He wants us to know how and to what extent our hearts are truly inclined toward Him. Not merely through words (it's easy to say words) but through the tough, demanding, gritty obedience of the day. God specializes in giving us such a hard test of faith, that it will force us to ask ourselves: Wow, do I love God? Am I really willing to follow Him through this terrible trial? Am I sure He knows what He’s doing? You see, a faith test reveals the true stuff of what’s inside our souls. When our faith goes through a serious test, we get to see, we get to really see, what’s in our hearts.

One of the dangers of the Christian life is that we too often imagine we are people of prayer and people who happily obey, but are we in fact? What we believe must be lived out in reality. So you will face many choices and opportunities today, to show God through your obedience that you do prefer Him. Trials are the best way, the only way, of putting our love for God to the test. Our faith then becomes real.