For some reason, after an entire week of no tears the crying spell returned today.
Walking down the chips and snack aisles of Trader Joe's today, my heart felt a heavy pang of sadness because I suddenly remembered how I used to buy snacks and chips for K. Little gifts to make him happy because I know he gets hungry and that he appreciates these treats (he's expressed his gratitude to me in the past before). I still remember buying him a box of Wheat Thins after fall retreat of last semester as an inside joke because he had called them "Thin Wheats" when we were playing a group game at retreat. It was hilarious, so many laughs, good times. Weeks later I accidentally stumbled across the box that was then flattened out, still kept in his backpack. This was before I knew he had any feelings for me, before he had even expressed any interest. I was a bit surprised to find it in his backpack and wondered why he even kept it there. When asked, he said that he didn't want to throw it away... hmmm, I wonder why... I'm sure some internal eyebrows were raised in my heart from that interaction, but I didn't want to think too much on it. But maybe deep down I already knew, or at least admitted it was a possibility...
I miss him. I miss us. I miss being able to love and serve him in those special ways that would only be appropriate in the context of a committed relationship. I miss cooking for him and serving him, writing him encouraging notes, spending one on one time, being around him, talking to him and hearing him share.
*deep grievous sigh* Alas, all this is in the past, and the present is painful reality of breakup. Accepting this painful severance that still hurts. That still makes me weep and cry sad tears and blow nose and dab wet eyes with tons of tissue paper.
Tonight I really miss him, and the desire to talk to him is strong. I want to find out how he's doing, to share with him how I'm feeling, to want him to know that I'm still grieving immensely over the loss of our relationship, to let him know that I still care about him... a part of me still wonders "why?"
Why does it have to be this way? You got me... why did you not want to keep me? Am I not good enough for you? Not what you wanted? Not your cup of tea? A shoe that doesn't fit (I really dislike the sound of this, but someone quoted that at church yesterday)? Why did you have to stir my heart? Why aren't you able to commit to me? Because deep down, I think you are able... it's just a question of why aren't you willing? Deep down, I've always believed (and perhaps still believe) that things could work out - if two people who have Christ really tried their best. I persevered and was willing to keep persevering, I never wanted to call it quites. But I felt that you stopped, you gave up, you didn't want to persevere... not anymore. Why not? Am I not worth it to you? Am I that unworthy of your pursuit?
You really hurt me. I'm not bitter (how can I be? It's K - one of the godliest brothers that I still respect and think highly of to this day. He is upright, humble, fears and loves the Lord, and conducted our relationship in purity - something I will be forever grateful for). I'm just sorely disappointed and painfully grieved. Fighting t move forward is so hard. That's what I've been trying to do for the past 3 weeks. It's hard to be a valiant soldier. But at the same time, I want to do no less that just that. Pressing onward with faith in Christ. That is what I MUST do. I want to obey. I don't even want to waste one single day let alone one hour, one minute in disobedience to God. I eagerly await the Day when all that's wrong will be made right, when all my tears will cease, when all the pain and brokenness in my heart will be no more.
"Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning." -Psalm 30:5
When will morning come for me?
O LORD, take me Home.
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