Tonight I invited Alice and Frank over for dinner since momma is in town to take care of me. She cooked us all a nice Burmese dinner. Fralice really enjoyed the meal (first time having Burmese food), we even gave them leftovers to bring home. They were very content and happy, we all enjoyed the delicious meal that momma so lovingly and sacrificially prepared. I couldn't help her much because my leg had been cramping from a long day of walking and driving. She was very kind to let me rest, even encouraged me to do so. All day I was looking forward to Fralice's arrival for dinner. Momma and I share the same God-given spirit of hospitality; we both derive great joy from cooking for and feeding people. All day I was also thinking about one particular brainy scientist whom I've had to consciously force myself not think about so much these days. I was sad because a large part of my heart really wanted to invite him to come join us for dinner too. After all, he is still my brother in Christ and we are commanded in Scripture to love the brethren deeply. And I wondered about his dinner plans, after a long tiring day in lab. I don't doubt that he can take care of himself, but that still doesn't remove my constant desire to care for him :( I admit that I miss making him food, miss having him over, miss spending time together, miss him and his presence... But the heart is deceitful, and sometimes it desires things that - though not sinful - are not wisest nor best. In the end, I made the decision not to invite him - not because I didn't want to - but because I decided it was not the best to do so.
When Fralice arrived, before we went upstairs to reunite with my cooking momma in the kitchen, I boldly asked them if we could pray right then and there at the bottom of the stairwell. I asked if we could pray together for my dear brainy scientist brother who has been heavily on my heart. They graciously agreed and so we closed our eyes and I prayed aloud. It didn't take much for teardrops to form and silently trickle down my cheeks, even though I tried hard to feign being non-emotional. I prayed that K would have food to eat tonight, a healthy dinner, that he would not feel lonely or sad or excluded, that he would understand if he found out that I invited Fralice and not him. I told the Lord how I felt and gave him my sad, longing heart - asking Him to do for K what I so wish I could do but cannot at this moment. I asked God to continue to help me (us) navigate through this difficult time. I thanked God for loving and caring for K wayyyyy better than I could ever; though he's often on my mind, he is on God's mind 24/7. I am learning to entrust K to God, not just him but I am learning to give all that I love and treasure to the Lord because only with God are my treasures kept safest and soundest. Unto the Lord is where everything is best kept and taken care of. It is where they rightfully belong anyways - not for me to keep nor clasp tightly to.
I am convicted that if you truly love someone, then you would give him/her to the Lord. I am learning to do that with K now, even though we are not together anymore because the Lord has taken our relationship away. I wish I learned this better when we were still dating, but I'm glad at least I learn this now rather than never. Lord, though we are apart, I still desire to love K the way You want me to - with a pure and genuine love mimicking that of Christ's, always wanting the best for him rather than myself (which would be a selfish kind of love, which I'm naturally good at giving). Even though my desire to love him is strong and true, I confess that sometimes I do not know how to go about loving him in the best way. God, will You keep showing me and teaching me, especially since we are still in the same Bible study and serving side by side in the same ministry?
At the same time, while I learn to love better, teach me to protect my heart; to not give even a sliver of it away and to keep my guards way up and firm - double duty gates of steel - until I receive a clear signal and affirmation from You. Never again do I want to experience heartbreak from a broken relationship, but I know I do not have control over these matters. I trust You will bring the deepest most complete form of healing in Your perfect time as I continue to patiently wait upon You.
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