O Lord, I don't know if I've ever cried so much out of frustration at someone, but at the same time crying because I do not have the heart to be upset at this person, so instead I am fighting to lavishly love and cover with grace, because perhaps that is the deeper desire of my unstable, weak, vulnerable heart... Frustration/anger/upset mingled with love/grace/kindness/forgiveness. Don't know if I've felt such intense feelings before, maybe I have. But such a not-good feeling of feeling entangled in something that's hard to tease apart. What a clashing tension, an overwhelming burden that causes my frail heart to strain from the heavy weight pulling it down. *deep sigh* Is this what "true love" is supposed to feel like? Ironic to ask, as I was the one who, after watching Lala Land, today boldly exclaimed "true love sacrifices". Then I suppose that I should already know the answer. Sacrifice means giving up something. True love isn't all rainbows and sunshine. In fact, true love hurts because it usually requires dying to self. At EWG this week the speaker quoted "True Love is always seeking what's best for the one loved, fueled by True Love for Christ."
Whatever happens between you and me, I want to truly Love you in the way that our Savior loved us. That means somehow seeking out for your best interest without giving my heart away. What a fine line to walk. Though I pride myself in thinking that I am such a Love-ing person and am quite love-able myself (how pridefully conceited I am!), maybe I too am just learning and re-learning daily through our relationship what it really means to Truly Love. I confess that I need Christ, so much wisdom, an infinite amount of grace, patience, kindness, perseverance, humility, strength, joy, gentleness, Love, faith... to keep moving forward in our relationship.
If you're reading this, thank you for the lovely card you wrote me for Chinese New Year and my Chinese Birthday. I was deeply moved by your genuine words, which affirmed me and touched my heart - even the parts that were not as easy to hear but constructive and much-needed to be heard - making water come out of my eyeballs once again. (Sigh, you've become a pro at doing that.) I sincerely thank you.
1/28/2017
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