That was pretty much how I've been feeling all morning because I have this one last final exam this afternoon for Microbiology class =/ It's kind of strange because this past semester, I haven't really felt nervous or too anxious about midterms and exams for my classes (thankfully), and believe me, I've had MANY tests this past year. But for some reason, I'm quite nervous about my exam this afternoon. I think it's because at the back of my head, I feel like no matter how hard I try or study for this class, I'm still gonna do poorly on the test and just forget everything. Now I know it is not healthy and good to think this way, especially before an exam, but it's true. That's how I feel sometimes.
But anyway, I just read a blog-post by a sister who is currently studying abroad in China and MAN O MAN, I am so encouraged by what she wrote. It was so good that chills went down my body as I was reading. First of all, I'm just so thankful to God for placing such deep convictions in her heart to daily die to herself in order to love God wholeheartedly, because He alone is worthy and good.
Sacrificial love. Do I have that for my beloved God?
And suddenly it made me stop for a moment and re-evaluate myself and how I've been feeling lately, especially since college just ended for me and I graduated. I guess I've been feeling a bit more anxious in general lately because I'm afraid. Afraid that now that I'm a college grad, I might feel purposeless and aimless (even though I do have goals and aspirations and whatnot). Like, for instance, what if I don't get into nursing school? Or at least a "good" program or the school I want to go to, which I'm not even sure about as of now (UCLA? UCSF? Samuel Merritt?) If I don't get into/go to nursing school, I am sure my parents would be ultra disappointed and start wondering what's wrong with me and probably be upset. Then I'll feel pretty bad and start worrying about my future and not being able to find a steady job and not making money or being self-sufficient. And the bigger question is DO I EVEN WANT to go to nursing school? Now this scares me, because nursing was the next big thing that I've been "preparing for" in terms of meeting academic pre-requisites and volunteer experiences ever since I decided not to be pre-med anymore. And it's what I've been pretty much telling all those people who ask me "So what are your plans now that you've graduated?". I tell them that I'm hoping to go to nursing school, but deep inside I don't know REALLY. I mean, in my heart I can imagine myself being a nurse because I really do care a lot for people. But is that all it takes to be a good nurse, a caring heart? *sigh*
I know that I'm not the only one who's going through all these apprehensions and doubts in her head. And I also know that I'm not the only one who desperately needs to be re-centered and focused on what is really important. And that is God's calling. Now I'm not referring to "God's calling" as in what He's called us to do occupationally in life because I know He hasn't revealed that to some of us yet, but I mean His calling us to love Him constantly with our all our hearts and with all our souls and with all our minds. Meaning that we should only be filled with Christ and cleared of all the other clutter and junk that daily competes for the throne of our hearts. Whether it's thoughts of finances or career or spouse or grades or pride or acceptance or dream schools or impressing others... God wants those to be thrown aside so that He could have complete reign over our hearts and entirety.
God, this is my prayer today. I definitely want to learn to love You more and desire You above all things. Please draw me back to You, reel me back in and away from the evil lures and fleeting enticements that this temporary world has to offer. Please give me peace today and the faith to trust in You with all things, for You are good and Your ways are higher than mine.
In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.
Frances!!!
ReplyDeleteI am so moved and thankful God has used my own convictions to speak to yours. Even though I haven't talked to you much, I know at least from the place where we first met--the long-term missionary session at WC :)--that you have a heart that yearns to be devoted to God. I too gave up pre-med! And then reverted to PA..and now I'm being convicted to give up PA! Hahah. I never would have been willing to give up a career altogether, but talking with Conrad, the long-termer here at Beijing ICA, he made me realize how unsure I was about being a PA and whether I could actually serve God with these skills (cause I do want to directly use my occupation for the sake of the gospel)..And so I decided, if I can't use my occupation to spread the gospel, then I don't want a secular occupation at all that would just "occupy" my time, time that I could be using for the thing that really matters, the salvation of souls. Of course, of the body, there's the few laborers who go, and there's the rest who earn money (who are supposed) to support the ones who go..but it seems from what I know, your heart wants to go. :)? I don't know if nursing school is what God wills for you, but I hope we can encourage each other in taking up our crosses, cause I definitely need a push!! You should definitely talk to one of the long-termers during VSET..they are all so spiritually wise about this stuff cause they went through all of it, and obviously succeeded in taking up their cross in their ultimate decision :).
I will pray for you Frances jie! You have such a loving heart:)
Oh and CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING!!!
AND FINISHING UP YOUR LAST EXAMS!!!
How do you feel?? :D Sorry i haven't responded to your FB msg, it's just that i have to open up different sites to be able to type in Chinese, haha sorry for my laziness=P..Oh and your mail! I'm gonna be moving somewhere else in a week so can you hold on to it to give me when you get here? Also, can you add me onto your update list during VSET? my email's khai@usc.edu. Thanks and see you soon!!!:D