ICA Winter Conference 2010 Sharing

So last night was Berkeley ICA's first Large Group of the semester (ICA = In Christ Alone, which is a Christian fellowship group on campus). I was asked to share about my experience and what I learned from Winter Conference, which happened over MLK long weekend. I've copied and pasted what I wrote below... hope that you all may be encouraged by it! :D

Over the long weekend, I attended my first ICA Winter Conference. It was such a huge blessing for me. I really enjoyed the messages given by Pastor Fred Wevodau, the workshops led by various staff members, and meeting and fellowshipping with brothers and sisters from different campuses, as well as spending more time and getting to know my brothers and sisters from Berkeley campus better. Originally, I wasn’t even sure if I would be attending Winter Conference because of various reasons. Firstly, I guess you could say that I was a bit “conferenced-out”, having already attended another Christian conference (West Coast Chinese Christian Conference) which I helped plan as well as another retreat with my fellowship back home during winterbreak. Another inhibition was due to financial reasons, since I had already spent a lot of money on retreats/conferences/things of the like in December. And even though I knew that WC would be really good and that I’ll probably meet a bunch of people and everything (from what I’ve heard from people who’ve attended in the past), I really wanted to make sure that my heart was in the right place and that I was going for the right reasons, if I did plan to attend. So after praying to God about it, consulting with my mom, and asking Sally about what she thought (and her response was asking me if it would be beneficial for me and would it be an opportunity to bless others and be blessed?), I decided to attend WC. Since I am new to ICA, I already knew that I would know nobody at the conference besides all the Berkeley people, but thankfully God gave me the courage and ease to not feel nervous or awkward about that. I’m really thankful for the opportunity to have bonded well with the girls in my small group as well as some of the other people I met through one-on-one times during meals as well as encouragement cards we were able to write to one another.

The theme of WC this year was “Sold Out for Jesus”, and the main passage that Pastor Wevodau concentrated on was John 15: 1-17. He gave a total of four messages, which were 1) Turning from Idolatry – Jesus the True Vine; 2) Embracing our Identity – You are Already Clean; 3) Pursuing Intimacy – Abide in Christ; and 4) Partnering for Impact – Go and Bear Fruit. I was certainly blessed by his messages, not only because he was able to preach in a way that really captured the attention of his audience (especially with the real life experiences and examples he used) but also because the things he talked about really hit home for me, especially the first two sessions about idolatry and identity. I remember Pastor Wevodau giving a definition for the word “idolatry” as “extreme admiration or fanatical devotion to somebody or something”. Hearing that really shook me to the core because idolatry is something that I’ve been struggling with for a long time now, and God has made this sin more apparent to me starting last semester. Hearing the definition of idolatry laid out like that made it even more real to me. During small group sharing, my small group leader asked me, “What do you think is your biggest idol?” I found that I had a hard time answering because I had so many idols in the past and even present: my old church/fellowship, winning man’s approval, the need to control my future and be successful, future spouse, etc… they’re all pretty bad, so what can possibly be the biggest out of all of them? When I shared about all these idols, a sister gently pointed out that for the longest time, her greatest idol was herself. And suddenly, it was as if something clicked in my head and I experienced a great epiphany. Wow. The biggest idol in my life is my own self! Knowing this truth was definitely a powerful discovery. I realized that all the things that I have idolated all served the purpose of bringing me satisfaction, wealth, glory, and acceptance from man. Everything revolved around ME. As I confessed to God, to my sisters, and to myself that the greatest idol in my life is my own self, I felt very selfish, evil, and sinful to be yearning for all those things and elevating them above God. As Pastor Wevodau quotes, there are many counterfeit sources of life (idols), things that feel safe and controllable, but it is only Jesus who is the true vine, the true giver of life. After my sharing, all the sisters in my small group including my small group leader all hovered around me and laid hands over me to pray for me.

Another topic that Pastor Wevodau talked about was identity, which is something that I’ve always had issues with. In the past, I found my identity in all the wrong places, such as my accomplishments and competence, activities that I’m involved in (such as clubs, organizations, and even ministry/church), my busy schedule as a student, etc. I was quite performance-and-good-works driven and found self-worth according to the world’s standards, in addition to the perfectionistically high standards that I often set for myself. I also struggled a lot with guilt and fear, always falling into the trap of self condemnation whenever I messed up or sinned against God or people. Pastor Wevodau challenged us with two questions, “Are you a sinner trying to be a saint? Or are you a saint who sins?” Initially, I thought I was clearly the former, a sinner trying to be a saint. But P.W. said that people who are that way view sin as a huge obstacle that they have to overcome themselves in order to win God’s favor. But as John 15:3 reads, “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.” Thus, since we have already been purchased by the blood of Jesus Christ, we are no longer seen as unclean sinners before God but rather, saints who are already made clean. Therefore, we can all be seen as saints who sin rather than sinners trying to be saints. And in terms of my identity of who I am, instead of seeing myself through the common lenses used by the world, I hope to continue to find my identity in being my child-of-God self.

In the “Pursuing Intimacy – Abide with Christ” session, one thing that I got out of it was that people often like to be productive with their time and thus, want to get a lot of things done. There’s constantly a battle between the high performance dynamic and the simplicity of abiding in Christ. However, P.W. encouraged us to “creatively waste time with God”, whether it be through quiet times, or taking walks and enjoying God’s creation, or meditating on His word, or just “chilling”. I thought that was pretty cool. Another thing that was mentioned was how it is every woman’s fear to be undesirable. Or perhaps people in general (men and women) have this fear, which causes us to wonder, “Are we desirable? Are we worth pursuing?”, which often times lead to role reversals (such as women pursuing men instead of the other way around). But God wants us to know that for Him, there shall be no role reversal, for He is the Divine Pursuer and He chases after us because He wants to know us and love us.

On the second day of the conference, there was also a time where brothers and sisters separated and did a gender-specific activity. The sisters spent time in Isaiah 43 and did the “trust-fall” where each of us had to go onstage, read Isaiah 43:1-4 out loud, and fall backwards with a straight back like a plank into the sturdy arms of many sisters who were to catch the falling sister. I was the first one appointed to go and in all honesty, even though I really wanted to “trust” my sisters and even knew in my heart that “of course they’re not gonna let me fall”, somehow when I got onstage my heart was beating fast and legs were trembling in fear. As I was reading Isaiah 43:1-4 during that terrifying moment onstage, I barely soaked in what I was reading. But today, as I was doing my quiet time in the morning on the same passage, I was really able to marinate in God’s sweet words and felt so dearly loved. (read from journal condensed version of Isaiah 43:1-4)
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned… For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I give Egypt for your ransom, Cush and Seba in your stead. Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I LOVE YOU, I will give men in exchange for you, and people in exchange for your life.”
So many times we hear phrases like, “God loves you!” and “You are so loved by God!”, but where does it actually say so in the Bible? So I thought it was super cool how in Isaiah 43:4, God directly tells us, “…because I love you…”!

So I've made many commitments throughout this Winterbreak as well as during Winter Conference, commitments that I sincerely hope to keep with the help and grace of my God. One huge commitment that I have resolved to make is to give my heart fully to Jesus. Before I even start thinking about surviving this semester with flying colors or applying to nursing school or going on overseas missions or investing in a relationship with someone or anything in the tomorrow, I want to completely surrender my heart to Jesus and be submissive and obedient to His call. I ask that all my desires and yearnings and thoughts of ME ME ME just fade away as the call from Jesus may become louder and clearer.

(Sorry, this last paragraph is sort of a repeat of the ending of my previous blog entry, but I needed to wrap up this sharing somehow. Plus, I don't think anyone in my fellowship reads my blog or even knows that I started one =P)