First Tears of the New Year

I realize that as each new year comes around, one resolution that I use to always make is to not cry. Of course, I always end up breaking this resolution. By now, I have realized that for me, this is a pretty unrealistic goal to achieve and perhaps not one I should be setting for myself in the first place.

I'm not saying that I'm a total cry-baby, but sometimes I can be an emotional person. For instance, if I see something really sad and heart-gripping, or hear about the plight and exploitation of innocent people in Third World Countries (ever hear about the black market organ trade that goes on in the Philippines?), or if something really messed-up and unjust happens to me and nobody seems to understand or believe me, I will cry. And of course, when I (unintentionally) hurt somebody or make someone mad or upset or disappointed in me. But these days, the tears don't come outta my eyes AS EASILY anymore. It really depends on the severity of the situation and how crummy I'm feeling at the moment. Trying to be more emotionally resilient while still remaining emotionally healthy. But to me, I really don't think there's anything wrong with crying. Unless it's over a boy. JUST KIDDING XP

So today, I actually "teared" a little while apologizing to my mom about something. This was what happened:

Mom had a day-off today and wanted to deposit two checks. The Citibank on 9th and Geary closes at 1pm, and because of poor timing to leave the house at 12:45pm, I had to run fast to the bank to deposit both checks in time. To condense the whole story, thankfully I made it in the nick of time to deposit the checks. However, it turns out that the transaction was done in the wrong account. As soon as we step foot out of the bank, my mom (clearly unhappy) claims that she had already told me which account she wanted, but I honestly do not recall her ever saying that. Almost immediately, I raise my voice at my mom in the middle of the street, since neither of us relented to admit fault. I could have cared less if people were staring or if someone I knew so happened to walk by. The next thing I hear myself say was, "I'm not going to Walgreen's with you anymore, I'm going home", and I take off.

On the walk home, I was in quite a mad/upset mood with only a slight tinge of guilt. By the time I got home, the guilt really started to kick in. Even if my mom had not communicated clearly to me (or if I had misheard her), that was no excuse for my attitude and the way I spoke to her. I realized that in the heat of the moment, I sort of just let my anger and frustration get the better of me. I knew I had to sit down, write out what actually happened and how I reacted, confess, and eventually apologize to my mom when she came home.

So when mom came in through the door, I waited awhile for her to settle down and then I apologized. At first it was fine, no wetness in the eyes. But after my mom started fending her case, I don't know exactly how the lacrimal glands in my eyes got activated, but tears began to stream down as I explained to her that all in all, I was mainly mad at myself because I had failed to please her. I was frustrated because mom was disappointed in me. I HATE letting my mom down.

After the "I'm sorry", things were okay and we watched a movie together. =)