I cried A LOT today. Multiple times, too. Just like waterworks. My eyes sorta sting right now and I kinda feel dehydrated.
Got into a fight with both my parents about church stuff... ICA and my home church. Feel conflicted in my own heart in terms of where God wants me to be to continue growing and serving. Realized that I still had a lot of resentment in my heart and upset towards some people/situations of the past. Felt guilty about applying to nursing school and for potentially having a career (is full time ministry the way to go?). Also felt useless/unproductive/fruitless about myself in terms of ministry. I'm also really physically exhausted and tired of always feeling that I'm rushing - rushing home from school, rushing to hop on BART to get to Berkeley, rushing so I could meet up with people, rushing to get work done and actually get sleep. Just was really angry and frustrated today. I had so much rage in me that I actually started to hit and kick the wall. I just wanted to shout or break dishes or punch something. Unacceptable behavior, yeah I know. I'm just confused about what God wants me to do at this point in my life. All I want to do is obey, but I don't hear His audible voice. Wish I did. Would be so much easier...
Guess God's just been surfacing many things all at once. I've noticed that's how He usually operates in my life. For some reason when it rains, it pours. Kinda overwhelming. But I know and trust that He won't give me more than I can handle.
Right now I guess I'm feeling kinda sensitive and emotional. Also felt a great deal of self pity today, which is not good.
Just gotta keep praying, trusting, believing in GOD. If you're reading this, please pray for me too. Thanks.
Jeremiah 29:11-14 and Proverbs 3:4-5. All the way.
prayed/ing for ya. hang in there
ReplyDeletethanks bro, really appreciate it! awww wish you could come to Yosemite with us this weekend!
ReplyDeleteFrances Jie, love you so much! I read this entry earlier and been thinking of you in my time with God, i had something i wanted to tell you but i forget..
ReplyDeleteBut about feeling guilty for applying for nursing school and going for a career, I feel you and have felt the same way recently. I'm wanting to please my parents and be able to support my family, but at the same time I feel like I might be disobeying God by doing so. But I sometimes think of what a friend said to me, that God's will isn't always "religious mountain," that He can use us mightily in any sector He places us. We just don't have the same scope of view that God has and maybe can only see ourselves being really used by Him as a full-time missionary. In these times when His will seems so hazy and confusing, it's actually pretty sovereign because He's using the haziness to draw us to Him and wholeheartedly seek His will. I actually smiled a bit reading how desperate you are to know His will..not a pleasured smile, but a God smile! cause this confusion is totally orchestrated by Him so we'll keep asking and seeking. It would DEFinitely be easier if He just told us, but what His heart wants is you to spend time seeking Him in sincerity and intimacy. : )
Also about feeling unproductive in ministry..I'm also in the same state (it's cool how similar we are in spiritual seasons, i guess, so we can bless eachother with what God tells us!). I feel guilty sometimes too that I'm not doing ministry right now, but I remind myself that there are different seasons in every believer's walk. Something Brittany Nesbitt said at WC this year blessed me a lot, that there are times when you're not really bearing fruit because God's working on you. It's a natural thing with vines. We've got to be pruned deep once in a while and it's pretty hard to bear fruit when God's doin His work. It looks like He's working on you and me right now jei, what a precious time to just rest in His hands. Praying for you jei, hang in there while He's doing His thing, it'll be over soon!<3
LOVE YOU so much too, Felicia! your post and God's love made me smile in comfort too. praying for you as well, mei :]
ReplyDeletePrayed for you. In the mean while, keep trusting in God and keep your faith in Jesus.
ReplyDeleteJustin
謝謝, JUSTIN 阿哥!
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