Blame, Accusation, and Misunderstanding Are Hurtful

What hurts more than being rejected by the person you (used to) like?  Being rejected AND being misunderstood and accused of something that was not your intention.  That happened tonight.  Not the first time.  It hurt me that he sounded so bitter and vindictive over the phone.  I could tell when his words come out that way, I could hear the anger and upset in his voice.  It also made me uncomfortable how he's been acting a bit differently around me the past couple times I've seen him.  Though I was hurt, the blow tonight was not as severely felt as times past (thankfully).  My heart was wounded, but I didn't feel like it was bleeding this time.  Maybe because God has grown me to be tougher and more resilient and less sensitive (which I normally am).  Maybe because this isn't the first time I've felt hurt from his words and actions, maybe it's because I've already been disappointed so many times (not just in him but in sinful broken sinners in general), maybe because I've accepted that we all have sin and fall short of God's glory and are not perfect people.  We always think better of ourselves than we really actually are.  No one is good and sinless, no not one except Christ.

I was sad that he felt that I was blaming and accusing him during our talk from Saturday.  It felt like he was accusing me of that.  And I didn't even know he was upset and harboring ill-feelings towards me until we talked on the phone tonight after he so blatantly rushed away after dropping off the CBS flyers.  (I was really hoping he could help me carry some groceries I had bought upstairs, like the four 2-liter bottles of soda pop and the huge watermelon that Omelia assigned me to bring on Friday.  I don't normally like asking for help unless I really needed it, and so when I did but was "turned down" tonight, the rejection felt pretty horrible.  I also had to make 3 trips to my car and it was dark outside.)  I tried to explain myself, but he didn't seem convinced initially.  I honestly wasn't trying to blame him or point fingers.  In fact, all the time I blame myself or attribute fault to me rather than him because deep down, I'm always still defending him and thinking/believing the best about him.  At least I try to.  Because that's what love does: it believes the best about people.  But he kept questioning me with, "Really?  But you had said..." and insinuated that I was being confrontational and was expecting an apology from him.  He kept adamantly holding onto his claim of me blaming and accusing him.  When I brought up things like "You did apologize for your actions and thoughtlessness" (because he did!  And I thought he was genuine), he said things like "Well, that was what you wanted to hear..." and even put words in my mouth.  Things that, in fact, did not directly come out of my mouth.  But somehow that's what he had perceived and read into.  Was he right?  No.  But can I blame him for misreading/misunderstanding me?  The flesh in me wants to say "yes", but the (humble?) part of me wants to say "no".  At least not entirely.  I believe that if I am a true Christian, then I should always strive to show grace and forgiveness and overlook so in this case, I should do that for him... right?

At the beginning of June I honestly did really feel like I was moving on from the breakup (by God's grace), but towards the end of June my heart relapsed.  I take responsibility for not guarding it as tightly as I maybe should have, but is it wrong to also attribute responsibility to him for the ways he was interacting with me?  Is that unfair?  Is that called "blaming"?  He was indeed really nice and kind, he seemed more relaxed and happy and energetic, even more so than when we were dating.  He seemed interested in my life and what was going on in my life... There were certain times when I would wonder about his intentions because I genuinely did feel things and I was unsure about whether or not those feelings were mutual.  I know I shouldn't have read into anything he did but I eventually did (?).  I must have.  Even though I warned myself over and over again not to.  Can you blame me though?  What's a girl to do if the guy she still liked, whom she didn't even want to break up with in the first place, was really nice and kind to her, and she saw him pretty frequently over a time period?  Isn't it natural to think that maybe there was hope that he might be interested in pursuing something more than friends with her again?

Well I've learned the hard way, after getting burned again, that the answer still is NO.  The door is still closed.  That it is never a good idea to read into things.  That one should never assume anything unless someone says it.

Lord, please please help me to move forward and to not look back.  I'm trying to get with Your program and not dig my heels in the ground in rebellion.  I don't want to be knocking or forcefully turning the doorknob of a door that You have already closed.  Help me to accept.  I truly do want to honor You and love You and obey You.  I really do want to move on from this breakup and want my heart to be healed completely by You.  You see my heart and You know what's going on inside of it.  You see the pain, hurt, confusion, fear, sorrow.  You know my deepest desires and You know what is best for me.  I want to keep trusting in You and Your promises.

Lord, take away my longing or give me that for which I long.  The LORD answered, "I must teach you to long for something better." - Elisabeth Elliot

Return of My Tears

After work today I went up to the 8th floor of the parking lot - otherwise known as the roof - and sat there alone, crying.  I have been feeling sad about something recently.  Someone, actually.  My sadness made me cry out to God, earnestly pleading for Him to help me.  I asked God to help me channel all the desires and affections that I feel for him towards Him.  I asked God to help me trust in Him and to believe that He really has the best in store for me.  Even though my heart was grieving and filled with sorrow, God still gave me a lovely view to feast my tears-filled, water-y eyes upon.  The sky was mesmerizingly beautiful as the sun was setting behind the clouds - spreading it's bright orange hues across the sky, making it look softly golden.  The sky and it's beautiful colors were the first thing that I noticed as I stepped out of the hospital elevators onto the outdoors plaza level.  Even though I felt physically exhausted from a yet another busy work shift, I thought to myself: I have to go to the rooftop in order to get a better view of this breathtaking sight.  

And I'm thankful I did.  Praise You, God.  All glory, worship, and praise be to You forever.

More love to Thee, O Christ, more love to Thee!

I Shall Not Want

I Shall Not Want   by Audrey Assad
From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From a life of worldly passions
Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood
And from a need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me O God
Deliver me O God

From the fear of serving others
Oh, and from the fear of death or trial
And from the fear of humility
Deliver me O God
Yes, deliver me O God

And I shall not want, no, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want
When I taste Your goodness, I shall not want

Eyes, Heart, Hope Fixed on You Alone

Dear God,

I am giving it all to You - my heart, desires, feelings, hopes, disappointments, sadness, pain, how I feel about K... I commit and recommit it all to You.  Only with You is my heart fully safe, protected, and perfectly loved.  I will continue to love You alone with all of my heart, mind, soul, and strength.  I will continue to trust You and serve You in this season of (indefinite) waiting.

I love You,
Frances

Determined to be Joyful

By God's grace, I've been very happy the past couple of weeks.  I know a big reason is because I was presented with many opportunities to serve God, my church, the children in VBS, brothers and sisters in Christ.. all of this naturally brings me much joy and happiness.  But I'm also wondering if my joy was partially being derived from another reason (another person, specifically), because in the past several weeks I happened to have seen and interacted with this person a LOT.  Ministering alongside this person has always been fun, joyful, meaningful, rewarding, and I realize that being around this person makes me very happy and brings me much laughter (which hasn't always been the case, as earlier in the year this person also brought me much pain, sorrow, and seas of tears)... But I know that I've been very happy around this person lately, and that's what I've been dwelling on mostly.  The present and not the past.  However, the past few days I'm also realizing the real danger this situation poses to my heart, which (until very recently) was on the road to recovery and healing from the breakup, or so I thought.  Have I done a poor job guarding my heart?  Have the triple-iron bolted fortresses of steel surrounding my heart already toppled down?

I haven't cried in a while, but on the phone with my dad at first I shed some tears while telling him about this person and how my heart feels.  It may be stupid, but I asked my dad through choked-back tears, "What's wrong with me? Is it because I'm not pretty enough? Because I'm so big and fat? Because I'm not "quality girl"?"  He let out a loving chuckle and exclaimed in Chinese "Silly girl! Of course not, my daughter!" in Chinese.  But still, I couldn't help but feel a familiar sadness of longing and rejection fall on me like a thick blanket of smoke - heavy, yet hard to get rid of.  Oh how I really do not want to be back in this predicament!!!  I really want to have joy that's not contingent on my circumstances.  And I don't want to lose my joy because I don't get something I want.  Rather, I want to always carry a responsibly jubilant expression to God at any and every point in time.  That is the type of heart posture I want - that I can rejoice because my focus is on the Gospel, on Christ, on the things above - not on earthly things, not on circumstances.  My jubilation has got to be directed towards God and His Word.

Oh LORD, teach me to rejoice even now!  I long to worship You.

A Letter

Dear FH,

Not sure when you're going to show up in my life - if you've already appeared, or if we have yet to meet.  But whoever you are, I hope and pray that you will help me be more like Christ my Savior, and that I'll be able to do the same for you, and that together we will love Him better and more than when we were separated.  I hope we can be more effective servants of Christ together, be catalysts for each other's sanctification, be tremendous blessings to the (universal and local) church and family of God, faithfully minister and share the Gospel of peace to the lost as lifetime ministry partners (yay!), raise up (spiritual and biological) life-long disciples for Jesus, bring one another countless joy and laughter and deep companionship and genuine fond affection not based on the superficial and fickle things of the world.  I hope we can be an emblem of biblical love, the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love, constantly loving one another and being compassionate and forgiving, just as in Christ God forgave us.  Let us spend and be spent for the Gospel!

I have been praying for you for many years, and will continue to do so!  I'm excited for the day that God has ordained for us to meet and wed.  But I am reminded that even if it never will be, my life is still good... because I've already got Christ, and He is sufficient.

Love,
Your FW

Happy but Nervous

That's how I currently feel when I'm around him.
Still praying about it and trying to be still, trying to wait patiently, all while trusting in God.

On My Mind

I've been thinking about you every day this week, which inevitably leads me to pray to God about you every day too.  What does this all mean??!!

Oh heart, my heart, I cannot follow you. For you are highly deceitful and sinful, full of strong feelings and fickle emotions that cannot be trusted.  I can but trust only One, and to Him I am turning and asking for clarity, patience, restraint, guidance, faith, discernment.

I am waiting on You, oh Lord my God.  Please grant me wisdom.