Yeah I think that was one of the big highlights of my day. Today was yet again long, tired, busy. But in the end all that was needed to be done was done for the most part, all by God's grace.
Sam graduated from middle school today -- he played in the orchestra AND sang in choir AND was a graduation speaker. Way to go, overachieving little bro. I was the family cameraman who recorded stuff and took pics. There were a couple times during the ceremony where I felt so emotional and wanted to tear up. I literally watched my cutie-pie baby brother grow up before my eyes... and now he's 14, finishing middle school, and about to start a new chapter of his life as he tackles through the next 4 years of a jungle called HIGH SCHOOL. After family lunch celebration at our old time favorite Our Court's Cafe on Clement St, I went to CCSF (my last day) for a recital in my keyboard harmony class. Then afterwards I had to rush back to Sam's school via bus (cuz I dont got my own car yet but that might change in a month or two) to drop off my camera so he could take pics at his 8th grade dinner dance.
Finally when all my obligations of the day were fulfilled, I spontaneously hopped on the 38 Geary bus and eventually ended up at Ocean Beach. It was super windy and cold at the beach, but at the same time it was also clear and lovely with blue skies and sunshine :) I wanted to watch the sunset.
It was at the beach that I met with my Lover. There I sang Him praises while listening to mp3 player and prayed outloud to Him for a long time. There's been lots on my mind these days, but now was alone time with my Lover. I also prayed a long time for someone whom I don't know yet, but will soon enter my life in God's perfect timing :)
Didn't quite get to see the sunset. I was getting super cold (I had dressed relatively light because it was more warm and sunny early in the day during graduation) and my parents wanted me home soon (dad told mom about this girl in Oakland who got shot the other day riding her bike or something. Gee thanks for the 411, dad -___-) So I went home.
But the alone time at the beach with God was good. Try it sometime :)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
It's Finished.
I'm finally done, at least for this semester. Had my last final exam this morning and I just emailed my last assignment to my professor. WOOOEY -- my brain is DEEP-FRIED and I'm quite exhausted, not just from school but everything else too. But now I can finally (physically) rest. Thanks for all the prayers everyone! I know many of you have been praying for me these past few days and I do appreciate you all deeply from my heart!
♥ And now I'm going to run off with my Lover and talk to Him ~ thank Him, confide in Him, sing praises to Him, read His sweet words... ♥
And then it's gonna be nappy-time :] I think I only slept like 2.5 hours last night...
(-.-)Zzzzz
God is so good.
♥ And now I'm going to run off with my Lover and talk to Him ~ thank Him, confide in Him, sing praises to Him, read His sweet words... ♥
And then it's gonna be nappy-time :] I think I only slept like 2.5 hours last night...
(-.-)Zzzzz
God is so good.
Monday, May 23, 2011
They Are Home.
Can't say I'm totally relieved though. It's been a stressful evening, especially the past few hours waiting for them to call me because I had no idea when they were landing. Their flight got cancelled? switched? delayed? I don't even know... called the airline company and they told me that the flight should have landed this afternoon at 4pm. I was like wtheck??? Ugh.. where are they? Why didn't they call.. But whatevers... important thing is that now they are home, safe and sound. Thank God.
In the meantime, I started to develop a slight throbbing headache, probably due to all this pent-up stress that's accumulated, not to mention the mega rush from taking 2 exams today and the lack of sleep last night. To make things worse, Sam literally sneezed like 78 times tonight (and counting) ever since he came back from school. Said his orchestra stand partner got him sick. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel sickly/sneezy myself. Really hope I don't get sick right now -- 8:00am final tomorrow morning!!
After hugging my mom and exchanging a few words with her, I told her I'll talk to her more tomorrow. There's much that I want to say and tell her - esp about everything that's been going on the past 2 weeks - but I purposely left it at just a few words. I knew that if I said anything more, I would end up tearing up and that would make my mom feel really bad, and I don't want that. I know I must be careful with my words and bite my tongue and not say things rashly or out of impulse or emotion or even end up getting mad and taking my frustrations out on mom. She's my beloved 媽媽! God, please give me wisdom, discernment, humility and help me to love and respect 媽媽, especially when I catch up with her tomorrow/during the week. But for now, back to studying for Physiology...
GAHHH MY BRAIN IS SOOOOOO FRIED!!! "@__%"
In the meantime, I started to develop a slight throbbing headache, probably due to all this pent-up stress that's accumulated, not to mention the mega rush from taking 2 exams today and the lack of sleep last night. To make things worse, Sam literally sneezed like 78 times tonight (and counting) ever since he came back from school. Said his orchestra stand partner got him sick. Oh great, now I'm starting to feel sickly/sneezy myself. Really hope I don't get sick right now -- 8:00am final tomorrow morning!!
After hugging my mom and exchanging a few words with her, I told her I'll talk to her more tomorrow. There's much that I want to say and tell her - esp about everything that's been going on the past 2 weeks - but I purposely left it at just a few words. I knew that if I said anything more, I would end up tearing up and that would make my mom feel really bad, and I don't want that. I know I must be careful with my words and bite my tongue and not say things rashly or out of impulse or emotion or even end up getting mad and taking my frustrations out on mom. She's my beloved 媽媽! God, please give me wisdom, discernment, humility and help me to love and respect 媽媽, especially when I catch up with her tomorrow/during the week. But for now, back to studying for Physiology...
GAHHH MY BRAIN IS SOOOOOO FRIED!!! "@__%"
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Last Night of Parentless
The past two weeks have been far from easy for me. When my parents first told me a couple months back that they were going to be gone for 2 weeks in May and it would just be me and Sam in the house, I was all excited and celebrating and "Whoohoo-ing", thinking that this freedom/independence would be quite enjoyable and that taking care of Sam would be a piece of cake. After all, I have been such a good and responsible and capable big sister to Sam for the past 14 years (and still am), I pridefully thought outloud to myself and to my parents. And so I reassured my folks that everything will be a-okay and that I'll have everything under control and that they have nothing to worry about... Boy was I wrong.
Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.
For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.
I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.
Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!
I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.
I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!
God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.
Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)
Don't get me wrong. Our house didn't burn down and Sam's not starving or anything. And I do in fact enjoy this whole absence of parental units (at least temporarily). It's just that my parents so happened to pick the two weeks in which I was very busy and a lotta stuff happened plus final exams weeks to be out of the country. I really didn't realize that being responsible for so many things - let alone a whole other human being - would be this stressful. I don't mean to complain and deep down, I truly am thankful for this experience. I actually kinda wish my parents were gone longer because after this Thursday I'd be done with school. I think I'm just a little tired and stressed and overwhelmed - physically and emotionally - by all that has been happening the past couple weeks. I even started crying tonight while I was eating dinner in silence with Sam =( Don't feel bad or sorry for me, though. I think a part of my crying was for selfish reasons. I think I was feeling sorry for myself, and we all know that self pity = no good.
For the majority of these two weeks, I realized that I actually felt very unappreciated by Sam, considering "all that I've done" and "sacrificed" for him -- i.e. rushing home after a looong tiring day at school to cook dinner for us and then also washing everything afterwards because Sam also has homework to do, staying up late to correct his essay instead of doing my own work, making trips to his school because he forgot something, waking up early just to make him lunch, picking him up from places, worrying sick when it was dark out and he still didn't come home, checking in with him and asking him how his day went to make sure he's enjoying his last days of 8th grade and is not being bullied by mean kids or taken advantage of by the most popular girl in school who so happens to be his "bf", etc etc... But then I caught myself in my tracks as I was journeying down this lane of self pity and pride. I realized that if I expected Sam to appreciate me for "all these things" I do/did for him, then that's selfish love. And selfish love is not real love at all.
I thought of my mom -- how she always does/did those things for me and more, and yes even though I do appreciate her a lot a lot, I don't think she expects appreciation back from me. I am quite convinced that even if I didn't appreciate her, she would still go on doing all those selfless acts of service for me. Yeah she'll probably be hurt, but she would still go on loving me without expecting anything in return. Then I thought of JESUS and how He was constantly loving people unselfishly when he walked the Earth. He loved everyone he met and talked to and hung out with and took care of soooooo many people, like thousands and thousands. Jesus only thought of loving God and others and didn't care for Himself to be loved back by people because he knew his identity. He knew he was the Son of God and that he was God's super duper beloved and precious child. Jesus was the Great King, yet he was also the epitome of servanthood (how ironic). And Jesus loved everyone perfectly without needing or expecting to be appreciated or loved back in return. He knew he was loved by God and that was enough.
Sighhh. Looking back on these two weeks, I've learned a lot. God's taught me much (about life lessons, pre-motherhood, loving people, about myself, about my brother, etc). I learned how crappy of a job I did as a sister-Mom. I'm humbled to say that I actually do semi-suck at it and if there was anything that I did right or well, it was all because of God's grace -- nothing from my own self. I know that more often than not I can be quite the over-protective sister and a part of that comes from not trusting God with Sam (a part of this is also inherited from my over-protective but super loving mother, if I may add). I lack the faith to trust that even though I cannot protect Sam from all evil and harm and make sure that he is safe and sound 24/7, God can. And God does take care of Sam. I also fail in the area of trusting Sam enough. Yes of course I trust him because he is my brother and my own blood, but what I mean is maybe I don't give him enough credit of being a "big boy" and being able to fend for and take care of himself... It's just that I love him so so soooo much and want the best for him. And now I'm crying because I feel so bad for all the mistakes and times I blew up in anger and frustration and yelled at him during the past two weeks and even tonight. Oh! I'm such a horrible big sister! God, please please redeem all my mistakes and failures!!!
I remember Moon said that the best way to love other people is to keep loving God. And a big part of loving God is trusting Him. Perhaps that's a lesson that I need to keep on learning. If I truly love Sam, then I need to discern the times that I should just let go and let God handle it because it is out of my control. Sam is not mine -- he belongs to God. And God loves Sam the best. My biggest prayer for Sam is that he grows up to be a man of God, a man grounded in the Word, a man who will love God and know God and follow God all the days of his life.
I think Sam does appreciate and love me deep down in his heart. And yes, there was a a few times this week when he said "Thank you sister". Perhaps he's still a bit young to know how to express his appreciation to me in a way that I would feel super loved by. But in any case, I should not expect that of him (nor of anyone) anyway. I want to continue to love Sam the way that God loves me, and that is unconditionally. Sam does not have to do anything to earn or deserve my love, nor does he have to return anything back to me. I know that I am incapable of loving unconditionally, but I ask the Lord to give me the grace to love Sam and others the best way I possibly can and in ways that they receive love best. And Father God, I ask You to forgive me for my strong feelings of entitlement and for being so calculative of the things I did, for seeking love from others (in this case, my own brother) instead of being so secure and satisfied in Your Love for me, which you lavishly pour down on me all the time. Please cleanse me and renew me God and strengthen me. I need Your help. I need You!
God, I also want to thank You so much for Samuel. He is truly one of the biggest loves and most important things of my life, and my life has been sooooo rich and joyous because of Sam! Thank You for such a wonderful delightful awesome little brother.
Dear friend, if you're reading this could I please ask you to pray for me? Tomorrow I have two exams to take and one more the next day. Tomorrow night I also need to pick my parents up from the airport. Right now my brain is a bit overwhelmed, stressed, tired, and I feel I have no time to study/cram anymore. Will you please pray for me as the Spirit leads you? Thanks. But I will be okay, I know it. When I went to take a shower at first, I looked up at the many post-its of Bible verses and praises that I stuck onto my bathroom mirror and was reminded that Jesus is all that I need. He is my love, my comfort, my peace, my rest -- my everything :)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
When “Doing Good” Isn’t Really “Doing Good.”
Really awesome read on LOVE (no not the romantic type per se... more like on loving God and loving others). Taken from Donald Miller's blog. Check it out.
http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/
http://donmilleris.com/2011/05/04/when-doing-good-isnt-really-doing-good/
Psalm 23 - Rewritten
God is my Perfect Lover and Provider, I shall not desire love from people
He makes me lie down in peace and quiet, in deep solitude and serenity
He restores my tired, crazy, mad, anxious, disquieted soul
He guides me to do the right things because He is holy
Even though this is sucky right now and I'm feeling a mix of emotions that fluctuate like crazy and I'm so distracted,
I won't be afraid. Thank God You're with me. Your word and Your promises and love comfort me.
You give me opportunities to reconcile and resolve conflicts with those whom I struggle to get along with, love, and forgive
You always give me the best, my life overflows with Your blessings
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And forever I will be with You, my Lord and my God
He makes me lie down in peace and quiet, in deep solitude and serenity
He restores my tired, crazy, mad, anxious, disquieted soul
He guides me to do the right things because He is holy
Even though this is sucky right now and I'm feeling a mix of emotions that fluctuate like crazy and I'm so distracted,
I won't be afraid. Thank God You're with me. Your word and Your promises and love comfort me.
You give me opportunities to reconcile and resolve conflicts with those whom I struggle to get along with, love, and forgive
You always give me the best, my life overflows with Your blessings
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life
And forever I will be with You, my Lord and my God
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Day 6 of Parentless
Woke up around 9am this morning, even though I think I went to bed really late last night, like close to 4am I think! I don't even remember what time. But I stayed up watching LOTR: The Two Towers (extended DVD version). Just finished Disc 1, half-way there. I've been meaning to watch that after watching LOTR: The Fellowship of the Rings. Plus, I really wanted to get my mind off something so I figured a good movie would help...
I guess I'm sorta tired but I'm okay. Did Bible study with Sam before he took off to meet his friends at Beach Chalet. Such a busy 8th grader, that boy. Yesterday he just came back from his 8th grade class trip to Six Flags Marine World, and today he's going to his friend's bday party at Great America and not coming back till late. But I'm kinda glad that there's so much going on for him. I want him to have fun and enjoy his last days of middle school. But yeah... was super glad to have the chance to study God's Word with him this morning through examining Apostle Peter and his character. (Last night I attended my friends' fellowship in Chinatown and we did a character study on Peter through difference passages of the Bible. I thought it was a very good study so I wanted to share that with Sam.)
Heading out to Berkeley later this afternoon. Gonna catch up with some people so pretty looking forward to that, and then I'll be sleeping over in Emeryville at Vicky's with Moon (wish Michelle was there!!!). Girls' night = fun fun fun! :D
Was listening to this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story (a few of my friends posted stuff on their fb so I decided to check it out). Hearing the story behind her song, I was touched by this quote:
"Could God possibly be blessing us through NOT giving us the things we are praying for?"
Was chatting with a friend online on the topic of surrender. He shared:
Well, whatever that's going to happen... I know that I am blessed.
I guess I'm sorta tired but I'm okay. Did Bible study with Sam before he took off to meet his friends at Beach Chalet. Such a busy 8th grader, that boy. Yesterday he just came back from his 8th grade class trip to Six Flags Marine World, and today he's going to his friend's bday party at Great America and not coming back till late. But I'm kinda glad that there's so much going on for him. I want him to have fun and enjoy his last days of middle school. But yeah... was super glad to have the chance to study God's Word with him this morning through examining Apostle Peter and his character. (Last night I attended my friends' fellowship in Chinatown and we did a character study on Peter through difference passages of the Bible. I thought it was a very good study so I wanted to share that with Sam.)
Heading out to Berkeley later this afternoon. Gonna catch up with some people so pretty looking forward to that, and then I'll be sleeping over in Emeryville at Vicky's with Moon (wish Michelle was there!!!). Girls' night = fun fun fun! :D
Was listening to this song called "Blessings" by Laura Story (a few of my friends posted stuff on their fb so I decided to check it out). Hearing the story behind her song, I was touched by this quote:
"Could God possibly be blessing us through NOT giving us the things we are praying for?"
Was chatting with a friend online on the topic of surrender. He shared:
just fyi
if you ever get to the point where it is clear that you're not going to get it
either in a specific instance or overall
then if you've been preparing your heart for that
there's a certain quiet satisfaction at least
in that peace
Well, whatever that's going to happen... I know that I am blessed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)