I've been thinking about love, forgiveness, Christ, K... Even though I've been genuinely trying to move forward for the past many months ever since the breakup, if I'm honest with myself, deep down I still have affectionate feelings for him (which I try hard to conceal). But I've been thinking about what my mom and another older sister said about truly loving someone and wanting the best for that person. Even if that might mean I am completely removed from the equation, which is so hard to to do and not what my heart and flesh desire. I know my heart would break and be crushed even further than it already is if I learned that he is pursuing someone else. BUT... though heartbreaking and painful, I want to be okay and bless that. I want to love him the way God wants me to - to truly LOVE him more than I love myself. That includes desiring the best for him (even if that isn't me), to be happy if he is happy and well, to rejoice for/with him if he finds someone else better for him, even if I'm hurting and dying inside. I want to strive to love him like this. This is the love of God.
I want to have faith that this kind of self-effacing, God-honoring, God-trusting, sacrificial love will yield lasting fruit of peace and joy, as I continue to seek to live according to God's will. His good, pleasing, and perfect will for me.
The Lord continues to work in my heart. I am daily learning to be still, keep a quiet heart before God, trust Him wholeheartedly (especially during trials and difficulties), and wait upon Him patiently. I have decided that I will guard (by that, I mean LOCK UP big-time) my heart until God makes it clear that it's okay to "give" it to someone. I will continue to fight to move forward. I will continue to pray that God will enable me to not be bogged down or discouraged by the past - painful and scarring as things have been. Jesus makes all things new. In Him I have hope. In Him I place my trust.
2017 has been a very rough and trying year circumstantially. Filled with colorful and painful, painful trials. Burnout at work, stressful relationships, breakup, loss, conflicts, death, health issues, injuries, traffic citations, difficult transitions, physical/mental/emotional pain, etc. Lots of crying and tears. Sorrows upon sorrows. Alas, this year is coming to an end soon. Though I'm not sure I look forward to the new year or future as much as I look forward to Heaven... God, help me to continue to fight the good fight of faith. ><>
Friday, December 1, 2017
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Another One Year
One year ago today, I said "yes" to dating you while we were sitting on Janns Steps @ UCLA that fateful Friday night right before combined UCLA/USC GOC. Little did we know that just about 3 months later, our relationship would end. These days, and tonight especially, the pain of breakup is especially heavy. My heart is filled with grief and pain, my tears have been my food, I am very sad and feeling so fragile.
I wish I could "wake up" from this bad dream and all the pain and inward hurt would disappear. If only it were that easy. It's times like these that I don't mind dying so that I could be in Heaven free from this suffering and pain.
Through it all, I know the Lord is with me, even if I don't feel it. I need to keep turning to God and lean hard on Jesus because I have no strength left inside of me, no more "fight" in me. But I won't give up. When I am very weak, and my own heart fails me, I turn to the One who is strong in my weakness, the One who is greater than my heart.
This too will pass, someday.
I wish I could "wake up" from this bad dream and all the pain and inward hurt would disappear. If only it were that easy. It's times like these that I don't mind dying so that I could be in Heaven free from this suffering and pain.
Through it all, I know the Lord is with me, even if I don't feel it. I need to keep turning to God and lean hard on Jesus because I have no strength left inside of me, no more "fight" in me. But I won't give up. When I am very weak, and my own heart fails me, I turn to the One who is strong in my weakness, the One who is greater than my heart.
This too will pass, someday.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
God Caused the Breakup
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-getting-dumped-says-about-you
Helpful article I read today.
"But the reality of God’s sovereignty always trumps the terrifying myth of “The one that got away.” With God, there’s never one who gets away. Unrequited love is God’s protection, his plan, his care."
Even though it may seem to me that he broke up with me, today I am reminded of the fact that God made us break up. It's been a painful emotional hurricane, but my broken heart can find rest and gradual healing in the sovereignty of my Loving God.
Helpful article I read today.
"But the reality of God’s sovereignty always trumps the terrifying myth of “The one that got away.” With God, there’s never one who gets away. Unrequited love is God’s protection, his plan, his care."
Even though it may seem to me that he broke up with me, today I am reminded of the fact that God made us break up. It's been a painful emotional hurricane, but my broken heart can find rest and gradual healing in the sovereignty of my Loving God.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
LORD, I Give You My Heart
This is my desire
To honor You
Lord, with all my heart
I worship You
All I have within me
I give You praise
All that I adore
Is in You
Lord, I give You my heart
I give You my soul
I live for You alone
Every breath that I take
Every moment I'm awake
Lord, have Your way in me
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
BE STILL, MY SOUL
Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.
Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Friday, October 6, 2017
Monday, September 25, 2017
Flashback to March 7. I wrote this one day after the breakup earlier this year:
"Even through intense trials, remember that God is still faithful, steadfast in unwavering love, kind beyond all measure, committed to us with covenental love until the very end of the age. He is wise, sovereign, and in control of every single event in our lives. When we are weak and heavy-laden, he carries us tenderly like a Shepherd to his sheep. When our hearts are aching, he soothes it with the healing balm of his own Word and precious promises. When things don't make sense to us, we must cling onto what we still know to be clear and true - that God sent His son Jesus to die for our sins so we can be made right with God, and that He loves us forever. He will never leave us nor forsake us. God sees you exactly where you are, He will meet you there. He only does what is the absolute best for our lives. As ones who believe in God, may we be comforted by His great love this very moment."
Oh my soul, dwell on these truths about your God. Remember!
"Even through intense trials, remember that God is still faithful, steadfast in unwavering love, kind beyond all measure, committed to us with covenental love until the very end of the age. He is wise, sovereign, and in control of every single event in our lives. When we are weak and heavy-laden, he carries us tenderly like a Shepherd to his sheep. When our hearts are aching, he soothes it with the healing balm of his own Word and precious promises. When things don't make sense to us, we must cling onto what we still know to be clear and true - that God sent His son Jesus to die for our sins so we can be made right with God, and that He loves us forever. He will never leave us nor forsake us. God sees you exactly where you are, He will meet you there. He only does what is the absolute best for our lives. As ones who believe in God, may we be comforted by His great love this very moment."
Oh my soul, dwell on these truths about your God. Remember!
Chewing on this
"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."
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