Another One Year

One year ago today, I said "yes" to dating you while we were sitting on Janns Steps @ UCLA that fateful Friday night right before combined UCLA/USC GOC.  Little did we know that just about 3 months later, our relationship would end.  These days, and tonight especially, the pain of breakup is especially heavy.  My heart is filled with grief and pain, my tears have been my food, I am very sad and feeling so fragile.

I wish I could "wake up" from this bad dream and all the pain and inward hurt would disappear.  If only it were that easy.  It's times like these that I don't mind dying so that I could be in Heaven free from this suffering and pain. 

Through it all, I know the Lord is with me, even if I don't feel it.  I need to keep turning to God and lean hard on Jesus because I have no strength left inside of me, no more "fight" in me.  But I won't give up.  When I am very weak, and my own heart fails me, I turn to the One who is strong in my weakness, the One who is greater than my heart.

This too will pass, someday.

God Caused the Breakup

https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/what-getting-dumped-says-about-you

Helpful article I read today.

"But the reality of God’s sovereignty always trumps the terrifying myth of “The one that got away.” With God, there’s never one who gets away. Unrequited love is God’s protection, his plan, his care."

Even though it may seem to me that he broke up with me, today I am reminded of the fact that God made us break up.  It's been a painful emotional hurricane, but my broken heart can find rest and gradual healing in the sovereignty of my Loving God.

LORD, I Give You My Heart

This is my desire To honor You Lord, with all my heart I worship You All I have within me I give You praise All that I adore Is in You Lord, I give You my heart I give You my soul I live for You alone Every breath that I take Every moment I'm awake Lord, have Your way in me

BE STILL, MY SOUL

Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

7 months

Waiting.  For healing.  For him.  For You.

Lord, I'm ultimately waiting on You...

Flashback to March 7.  I wrote this one day after the breakup earlier this year:

"Even through intense trials, remember that God is still faithful, steadfast in unwavering love, kind beyond all measure, committed to us with covenental love until the very end of the age.  He is wise, sovereign, and in control of every single event in our lives.  When we are weak and heavy-laden, he carries us tenderly like a Shepherd to his sheep.  When our hearts are aching, he soothes it with the healing balm of his own Word and precious promises.  When things don't make sense to us, we must cling onto what we still know to be clear and true - that God sent His son Jesus to die for our sins so we can be made right with God, and that He loves us forever.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  God sees you exactly where you are, He will meet you there.  He only does what is the absolute best for our lives.  As ones who believe in God, may we be comforted by His great love this very moment."

Oh my soul, dwell on these truths about your God.  Remember!

Chewing on this

"Waiting silently is the hardest thing of all... But the things that we feel most deeply we ought to learn to be silent about, at least until we have talked them over thoroughly with God."

Hills and Valleys

I've walked among the shadows
You wiped my tears away
And I've felt the pain of heartbreak
And I've seen the brighter days
And I've prayed prayers to heaven from my lowestplace
And I have held the blessings
God, you give and take away

No matter what I have, Your grace is enough
No matter where I am, I'm standing in Your love

On the mountains, I will bow my life
To the one who set me there
In the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there
When I'm standing on the mountain, I didn't get there on my own
When I'm walking through the valley, I know I am not alone!
You're God of the hills and valleys!
Hills and Valleys!
God of the hills and valleys
And I am not alone!

I've watched my dreams get broken
In you I hope again!
No matter what I know
Know I'm safe inside Your hand

Father, you give and take away
Every joy and every pain
Through it all you will remain
Over it all!