Convictions and Revelations from God

I've been audiobooking/reading the book of Matthew and am really convicted by Jesus's words and teachings. Seeing his disciples' little faith in their Discipler (even though they walked and lived with Jesus and saw Him perform miracles with their own eyes! How could they still have little faith if they witnessed such miraculous wonders, I wonder to myself...), I don't judge them but rather relate to them because even though God's been faithful to me in the past (in fact my whole life), I too often times have little faith and still doubt. Doesn't really make sense. In addition to it be not pleasing to God, I'm thankful God has convicted me to see the futility and foolishness in doubting Him. And when Jesus rebukes the Pharisees calling them "crooked, corrupt, adulterous generation"... my heart is pricked too because I know full well that out of my own evil heart has come lots of sin. As I'm reading, I wonder how Jesus felt leading those 12 disciples whom He always referred to as "you of little faith". Wasn't he disappointed and frustrated at them (I know I would be), yet he still loved them enough to die for their sins... doesn't really make sense to me because it's just so not-of-this-world. Another part that stood out to me is found in the miracles of the massive feedings of 4000 and 5000 in Matt 14-15, the verses that said "They all ate and were satisfied". The food that Jesus provides SATISFIES (literal and figurative). I need to always remember that and need to quit trying to fend for myself. 

The past couple months God has really shown me the smallness of my faith through various situations and trials He's allowed. Ultimately, that has turned me to repent, turn to His Word, and pray daily asking for the faith to believe and trust God.

God continues to minister to my soul using His own Word through the Bible. Last week He used Proverbs 3:5-6 to bring a big breakthrough in my thinking... This passage commands me to TRUST in who? The Lord. With what? With ALL my heart (not merely a portion, not even a large portion, but rather ALL of it, WHOLEHEARTED in the truest sense of the word) and to NOT lean on my own understanding.  Even though I had memorized these verses since I was a small child, God's wise words still hit me afresh.  I realized that I had been appraising the breakup according to my own understanding... I didn't fully understand why it happened, what I did wrong, what he did wrong, why God had to allow it.... not that we were perfect but I really felt that the both of us did indeed trust the Lord the best we could together during dating, so if we did that, then why did the relationship have to end up in breakup?... I didn't understand and so I was using my own understanding to try to make sense of it.  BUT... God's Word here tells me to trust Him and NOT in my own understanding.  Bam.  My searching mind not-understanding was suddenly quelled and it was as if in that moment I understood.  I mean, not that I understood exactly what happened between us and all that had "gone wrong" in the relationship (yes, I have learned and am learning but to pinpoint every single reason that led to breakup, I don't think I would be able...) but rather, I understood that I do not need to understand everything before I obey God's command to trust in Him with all my heart.  And I was convicted that that was something that I had not been doing.  Because when I lean on my own understanding, I am not trusting God.  You can only do one or the other.  The verses continue by telling us to acknowledge Him in all our ways (acknowledge: to know intimately, to desire His presence) and the promise to claim is that He will make our paths straight.  I know that straight paths do not mean rainbows and sunshine and all my dreams come true, but straight paths do come from God and are part of His will, and I want to be on the straight paths that God prepares for me (even if they are comprised of a bunch of crooked paths which only look straight from a bird's eye point of view) as I continue to practice His presence daily, acknowledging that He is with me in every moment, every situation, every trial, every instance of every day of my life.

Wellspring of Grace

He Giveth More Grace

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,

To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,

When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,

When we reach the end of our hoarded resources

Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,

Our God ever yearns His resources to share;

Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;

The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,

His power no boundary known unto men;

For out of His infinite riches in Jesus

He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

I came across this precious jewel of a hymn that I've never heard of before, but its lyrics are so beautiful and God-pointing. They really hit my heartstrings, too, as I've felt at the end of myself so many countless times this past (school) year, 2016-2017.  I wrote down these lyrics immediately, several times actually, and pondered the words.  Sometimes my wandering heart "forgets" about God's generous, giving, gracious character.  Instead of seeing Him rightly as who He is, I sinfully see Him as a distant, nonchalant, stingy God who withholds good things from me.  How absolutely wrong and foolish for me to think that even for a second!  His Word tells us in Psalm 84:11 that no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly, whose walk is blameless.  This hymn reminds me that God loves to give and give, He loves to bless and bless His children who are obedient to Him.  And His infinite resources will never be depleted.  He is the Wellspring of Grace.

Life, and Death

Today, while my brother turned 20, another brother went Home to be with the Lord. I never met the latter but know he was a man of God and attended my church's seminary. He responded to the Lord's calling and became a pastor at another state after graduating TMS. Apparently he was diagnosed with bone marrow failure and suffered greatly physically before his last breath. My heart is saddened for his wife and two sons that he left behind. I along with many others of the church are/will be praying for comfort.

How does a believer cope with and accept death of a loved one who was also a believer? There is definitely overwhelming hope that they will meet again in Heaven... but in the meantime, how will living the remaining days on earth without them be like? I know it's been done (my own EWG small group leader Lois has been a widow for many years and though it's not that she doesn't miss her Ernie, she is still as content and as much of a Proverbs 31 woman you will ever find who's also 87 years old). I know the answer is Jesus. I just don't know "practically", as in firsthand - experientially - how it will be like. I know it's very very hard and painful, and it's definitely not doable for the faith-less.

2017 has been a very crummy year circumstantially. Many tears, many griefs, many disappointments and let-downs and failures. Many deaths - of people and of relationships.

"Our lives have been turned a direction we did not expect, yet our faith is being perfected. We are comforted also by the fact that God knew all our days before there was yet one."

UC Admittance 2nd chance

Wednesday April 26, 2017, 7:45pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UCLA
Friday, April 28, 2017, 3:35pm - Sam tells me he got accepted to UC Berkeley

Sam also got accepted to UC Irvine and UC Davis, so he has a bunch of good universities to pray over and choose. Praise God, Your ways and plans are truly the best for us. Please keep granting us the faith to wait on Your timing.

Maybe this could be written on my tombstone

Words borrowed from the great late William Borden:

No reserves. No retreat. No regrets. Apart from Christ, there is no explanation for such a life.

Lord, my sincere prayer to You before I go to sleep tonight is that You would grant me the resolve to live with all my might FOR YOUR GLORY.  These days I find it hard to live, silly and strange as it may sound. Trials and difficult circumstances have revealed the substance of my faith.  I need so much more of You every minute.  Please increase my faith.  Help me to believe in You and Your best plans for me, to stand firm on Your promises, even though I might not see nor understand at the moment.

Help me to live by faith and not by sight. -2 Corinthians 5:7

When I die, if anyone even remembers me, I want to be remembered by my faithfulness and obedience to God.

Secret Heartache

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12

It's still hard sometimes at Friday night Bible studies, seeing him from afar, but him not seeing nor noticing nor coming up to talk to me.  I try to not let it show as I converse and fellowship with other GOCers or newcomers.  Not sure what's going through his mind, sometimes I wonder if I ever even cross it anymore.  The words coming from his mouth on the night of the breakup "Don't wait around for me" still haunt me sometimes with a fresh sting each time, yet that was what he said.

For a while, you had me.  Did you not want to keep me?  Was I not worth it to you in the end?  Why...?

Moving on and letting go is not easy for me, but the necessary and right thing to do right now.  I must trust and obey God and keep my eyes focused on Him only right now, no one and nothing else.

Learning to Entrust to God

Tonight I invited Alice and Frank over for dinner since momma is in town to take care of me.  She cooked us all a nice Burmese dinner. Fralice really enjoyed the meal (first time having Burmese food), we even gave them leftovers to bring home. They were very content and happy, we all enjoyed the delicious meal that momma so lovingly and sacrificially prepared.  I couldn't help her much because my leg had been cramping from a long day of walking and driving.  She was very kind to let me rest, even encouraged me to do so.  All day I was looking forward to Fralice's arrival for dinner.  Momma and I share the same God-given spirit of hospitality; we both derive great joy from cooking for and feeding people.  All day I was also thinking about one particular brainy scientist whom I've had to consciously force myself not think about so much these days.  I was sad because a large part of my heart really wanted to invite him to come join us for dinner too.  After all, he is still my brother in Christ and we are commanded in Scripture to love the brethren deeply.  And I wondered about his dinner plans, after a long tiring day in lab.  I don't doubt that he can take care of himself, but that still doesn't remove my constant desire to care for him :( I admit that I miss making him food, miss having him over, miss spending time together, miss him and his presence...  But the heart is deceitful, and sometimes it desires things that - though not sinful - are not wisest nor best.  In the end, I made the decision not to invite him - not because I didn't want to - but because I decided it was not the best to do so.

When Fralice arrived, before we went upstairs to reunite with my cooking momma in the kitchen, I boldly asked them if we could pray right then and there at the bottom of the stairwell.  I asked if we could pray together for my dear brainy scientist brother who has been heavily on my heart.  They graciously agreed and so we closed our eyes and I prayed aloud.  It didn't take much for teardrops to form and silently trickle down my cheeks, even though I tried hard to feign being non-emotional.  I prayed that K would have food to eat tonight, a healthy dinner, that he would not feel lonely or sad or excluded, that he would understand if he found out that I invited Fralice and not him.  I told the Lord how I felt and gave him my sad, longing heart - asking Him to do for K what I so wish I could do but cannot at this moment.  I asked God to continue to help me (us) navigate through this difficult time.  I thanked God for loving and caring for K wayyyyy better than I could ever; though he's often on my mind, he is on God's mind 24/7.  I am learning to entrust K to God, not just him but I am learning to give all that I love and treasure to the Lord because only with God are my treasures kept safest and soundest.  Unto the Lord is where everything is best kept and taken care of.  It is where they rightfully belong anyways - not for me to keep nor clasp tightly to.

I am convicted that if you truly love someone, then you would give him/her to the Lord.  I am learning to do that with K now, even though we are not together anymore because the Lord has taken our relationship away.  I wish I learned this better when we were still dating, but I'm glad at least I learn this now rather than never.  Lord, though we are apart, I still desire to love K the way You want me to - with a pure and genuine love mimicking that of Christ's, always wanting the best for him rather than myself (which would be a selfish kind of love, which I'm naturally good at giving).  Even though my desire to love him is strong and true, I confess that sometimes I do not know how to go about loving him in the best way.  God, will You keep showing me and teaching me, especially since we are still in the same Bible study and serving side by side in the same ministry?

At the same time, while I learn to love better, teach me to protect my heart; to not give even a sliver of it away and to keep my guards way up and firm - double duty gates of steel - until I receive a clear signal and affirmation from You.  Never again do I want to experience heartbreak from a broken relationship, but I know I do not have control over these matters.  I trust You will bring the deepest most complete form of healing in Your perfect time as I continue to patiently wait upon You.

Suffering

God, you see me.  You know what I am going through, and it has been tremendously difficult.  I am suffering and it has been very hard to endure day by day.  Often times I don't feel like I have faith left to persevere.  Would you increase my storage of faith?  I don't want to be a Job's wife.  I refuse to renounce You.  I want to stand firm until the very end, against all that the Enemy throws at me.