Having No Merit

Pastor John Piper's words of having no merit. May this also be my confession.

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/my-happy-confession-of-having-no-merit

Hard to be Still

My heart and mind is super struggling to Psalm 46:10 right now. I feel angry and moody and I want to blow up or just leave.

Found this somewhere online. It's deep.

Be still.
And know that I Am.
God.

Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know that.
Be still and know.
Be still
Be.

*deep heavy sighhh*

Reflections

Copy and pasted from an email I wrote to a leader.

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Being home has been a little hard for me. The past few days I've been spending a lot of time in reflection over the past year and quarter, giving thanks and praises as well examining and listing out the areas I would like to grow in 2012. I was really honest in telling God that I felt sad and tempted to feel discouraged as to why I don't have any disciples in America (yet), and how I really desire to be in Kyrgyzstan right now to be with my beloved students whom I helped lead to Christ and soooo desire to help them grow. I feel like I still labor the way I did overseas and that my heart posture is the same, but for whatever reason God did not give me any Faithful Available Committed Teachable girls (yet). Like some of the LT missionaries who have shared, I too feel like Hannah in the Bible -- barren, with no (spiritual) children. But I think God helped me realize an even deeper problem, which is buying into the lie that because I don't have any disciples (at least in America), I am worthless and not "as good" or as mature as the other Christians who do have disciples, and that God is less pleased with me because I don't have external fruit to present to Him. I wrongly believed that having disciples is my way of earning God's favor. I thought that God was disappointed with me. I am coming to realize that this is not the Truth...

I want to make disciples of all nations and bring glory to God... but even more, I just want to keep on seeking God and knowing Him. I really want to keep drawing near to God and knowing Him more and not be so focused on serving and "doing", which is naturally what I like to do. In some ways, ministry can be dangerous for me. I don't like being "idle" and being still and not doing anything. But Psalms 46:10 tells us to "BE STILL and know that I am God." Though it is always my desire to serve God and live out the Great Commission, I'm convicted that I need to keep learning how to rest and abide in Jesus -- standing firm on His Word, promises, and Truth. I pray that He can grow me in areas of humility and grace -- to be okay with serving Him in whatever little or big capacity that He has called me to, and to faithfully serve and live before an audience of One, not seeking man's approval.
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Thankful for Skype/Google Video

Today I'm really thankful because I got to catch up with two girls that I really really love, both who are far away from me right now. One in Ontario, Canada and the other in Beijing, China. But I'm thankful that we are sisters in Christ so in case we don't get to see each other face to face again in this lifetime (which I prayyyy hard that won't be the case) we get to spend eternity with each other in Heaven!

Blessed to be a Blessing

I'm so very happy and thankful when I can be a blessing to others and make people smile :]

http://victoriousliuser.blogspot.com/2011/12/childlike-faith.html

What I Want for Christmas

1) an end to sex trafficking
2) world peace
3) to be in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan
4) to return to China on missions
5) to go on V-SET again next summer
6) that Sam would have a deeper love relationship with Jesus
7) that mom and dad would have enough money in case I cannot support them
8) greater personal faith in Jesus
7) a car

DONEEEEE!

PRAISE MY LORD JESUS!!! I'm finally done with my first quarter of Nursing graduate school at UCLA!!! ALL BY HIS GRACE. 'Tis been quite the journey. Many transitions, many blessings, struggles, ups and downs, battles. But now I can rest for a few weeks before it all begins again.

Spent a few hours this afternoon at the beauuuutiful Getty(sburg) Museum. The view was breath-taking. And the moon was so round and distinct! It was fun being at the museum with good funny company :]

Went back and had our Bruin ICA Christmas party. Thankful that people actually enjoyed my "lame" White Elephant gift that I whipped up last minute: anatomy coloring textbook, Pokemon collection book, a brand new HP computer mouse, a Christian magazine from Berkeley... all inside a bright yellow Trader Joe's whole grain cereal box haha! Plus, I added a handwritten poem :) Then some of us stayed after and watched Captain America.

Gonna head to bed soon and wind down. Reflect on today, this whole quarter, the year... God's been so good, constant, faithful. Last night I only got two hours of sleep, but for some reason my body hasn't shut down yet. I'm tired but it's like I still have some energy... strange.

Planning to wake up around 5:00am to watch the lunar eclipse! The action starts 4:45am when the earth first starts to cast its shadow on the moon, total eclipse begins at 6:06am and ends at 6:57am. Yup I did my research. Haha what can I say, I'm a quasi- stars and planets geek :P Well not really but I do appreciate and am super fascinated by space and stars and God's handiwork :D

Wow it feels soooo surreal that it's actually Winterbreak. Time seemed to have gone by slowly but at the same time, fast.

almost there

last night the last thing i read before bed was My Utmost For His Highest - Dec 7. the title was repentance.

spent a lot of time this morning in bed after waking up in repentance. prayed and read Psalm 51 and end of Psalm 139. prayed through Psalm 51.

thank You for your forgiveness, Jesus. Your kindness leads me to repentance. thanks for always letting me run back to You and welcoming me back with open arms.

now im at the Nursing lounge studying with two of my classmates, Mary and RJ. they're probably two of the oldest people in my program but they're soooo kind and awesome.

it's only 6:30pm and im already falling asleep! =/ just opened my 2nd can of Coke. tastes good but sooooo bad for your body. i can feel my teeth rotting as i consume this carbonated black-colored high fructose corn syrupy drink -___- but it contains caffeine so it's supposed to help keep me awake... at least a little? i dont drink coffee so i dunno how well caffeine actually works on me

two more exams tomorrow and then ill be DONEEEEE! oh joy

clinging onto Jesus as i push through. im almost there...